Anger.
Is a mask for sadness.
A thick, invisible, bone-like, structure one wears to mask the tears that have dried due to numerous amounts of pain.
This pain is sometimes caused physically, but more often than not it is caused by the people one loves and allows into their heart.
An angry heart is protected by its mask and allows no one in to remove it because no where on the timeline of life has anyone ever protected the one that wears the shield.
An angry life is as life who trusts nothing and no one.
A love-less life.
A sad life.
A life without love is a sad life indeed and when sad for long enough without a protective guard, one creates a mask from the depths of the soul unfortunately resulting in an unmaluable form which covers the heart.
The desire to love is held dear beneath many layers and cannot nor will not escape until the mask is removed and the sadness is dealt with.
Only then, can an angry heart love again.
Removing an angry mask requires trust - and the lack of trust is what got it there to begin with.
I really think that when a life is held in such an angry regard, for so long, one begins to stop caring as well.
The loss of hope and hidden love behind so many pages of this mask creates a careless and carefree life often resulting in dangerous and wreckless behavior.
The Hag.
The boastful bitch who casts spells upon many but never allows the spells to draw out her inner soul and runs at the first sight of the casting.
Her heart requires a patient healing love.
Healing love with open mind.
Willing to look past judgement.
Sometimes, one will find a love who fits all the descriptions but her wounds and her damaged heart will push the love away and she will lose that love.
An angry life is life filled with a lack of trust, filled with sadness, grief, guilt, loneliness, a loss of hope, and loss.
Oh, the loss.
The many of losses.
Never being able to hold onto anything too long. Never being able to obtain a grasp on anything worth helping to remove the mask in a reaction to the fear.
Fear of pain.
Fear of loss despite the massive losses.
They turn to no one and eventually no one will turn to them from the many times they have pushed and pushed away.
And inside all one can tell themselves for reassurance is,"Oh, well. Fuck it!"
-Lr.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Little Miss Sunsihine...
I think we are always, at all times, especially as women, supposed to shine. Never a dull day is ever expected from beneath the surface. Use your beautiful skin to smile. If your skin isn't beautiful be sweet enough to where it doesn't matter so when he kiss your cheek he expects to taste sugar and not you. Oh, but it must be you. Make it be a part of you, they say. They say what is ladylike. No true colors shown.
Be forgotten. Be mysterious. But be truthful. So I suppose we are supposed to appear to be mysterious. So the one's who have no truth to tell must seem as though there is some unGodly truth hidden in the walls behind her vagina while those of us with truths that would seem mysterious are doomed because we reveal our truths and therefore become less interesting because now we only APPEAR damaged and incapable.
I was told as a young adult that men are stupid and incapable of handling our skeletons so therefore we, as ladies, should never share our demons with our men. Meanwhile, in a young relationship, I was told by a man that I was to tell him everything because how can one know if he is in love without knowing his lover inside and out?
So, to whom do we listen? Neither successful enough to lead by example. Neither respectable enough to give credit for truth in experience.
Perhaps it's up to me to follow my own guide and wisdom and accept myself as broken and unfixable.
Not mysterious enough to continue remaining silent because then one is always accused of being a liar.
Not innocent enough to speak truth because then one is only seen as a vessel of baggage.
Are we not allowed to be hurt in our lives? Are we supposed to forget the pain and continue making the same mistake?
I wish I knew how I was viewed.
Too intelligent? And now an intimidation?
Too sensitive? And now seen as weak?
Too silly? And now too immature?
Too different? And now too complicated?
Too loving? And now too easy?
Too giving? And now easily taken for granted?
Because my understanding is it's not everyone else with the problem, it's you.
But then you meet someone who completes you and understands you, and he tells you it's not you, it's them. That society is dead. But then tells you he doesn't want to commit to you because you're not perfect enough.
Not particularly in those words, but essentially he's never found anyone perfect enough to settle down for. Or excuse me, get tied down.
WHO THE FUCK IS TYING SOMEONE DOWN?
I'm throwing in the towel. I'm fed up. I'm so over this sad pathetic world of loneliness. I miss being child.
I spent time with an old crush yesterday who opened my eyes to more... He misses being a child and I couldn't even remember being a child. I never got to live and enjoy a carefree life. I always judged and made too many mistake. My mouth is what always got me in trouble whether it was for saying too much or always saying too little. I feel stupid because I never understood discretion. I never understood what it was like to verbally modest with the exception of when it came to giving myself credit for anything. His response to me not remembering being a kid was," You need to go fuck a psychologist."
Hopeless. Broken. I've just had it with my heart. It's too soft to continue to remain on a broken path.
I was told to stop rushing my life and to sit back, relax and enjoy mine day by day. How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy myself in my shit filled apartment? Alone? You like being alone. I've been alone my entire life. While you're sitting here with numerous people calling you and asking you for help that you may not want to give... at least you have people who count on you. No one takes me serious enough to even think about calling except for people who don't even listen to what I have to say anything.
It's like I'm a walking fucking joke. Good enough to call for a good fuck.. but not good enough to keep around for romance. Nothing serious anyway. Never thought of as a wife. Never thought of as anything good but a tight little vagina who fears nothing in the sack! Yeah talk about keeping it interesting. I'm condemned because I have a sexual appetite like no tomorrow?
I just wanna be fucking numb. This is why women become strippers and porn stars..
They're fucking numb, but still loved by men.
I just want to be fucking numb.
-LR.
Be forgotten. Be mysterious. But be truthful. So I suppose we are supposed to appear to be mysterious. So the one's who have no truth to tell must seem as though there is some unGodly truth hidden in the walls behind her vagina while those of us with truths that would seem mysterious are doomed because we reveal our truths and therefore become less interesting because now we only APPEAR damaged and incapable.
I was told as a young adult that men are stupid and incapable of handling our skeletons so therefore we, as ladies, should never share our demons with our men. Meanwhile, in a young relationship, I was told by a man that I was to tell him everything because how can one know if he is in love without knowing his lover inside and out?
So, to whom do we listen? Neither successful enough to lead by example. Neither respectable enough to give credit for truth in experience.
Perhaps it's up to me to follow my own guide and wisdom and accept myself as broken and unfixable.
Not mysterious enough to continue remaining silent because then one is always accused of being a liar.
Not innocent enough to speak truth because then one is only seen as a vessel of baggage.
Are we not allowed to be hurt in our lives? Are we supposed to forget the pain and continue making the same mistake?
I wish I knew how I was viewed.
Too intelligent? And now an intimidation?
Too sensitive? And now seen as weak?
Too silly? And now too immature?
Too different? And now too complicated?
Too loving? And now too easy?
Too giving? And now easily taken for granted?
Because my understanding is it's not everyone else with the problem, it's you.
But then you meet someone who completes you and understands you, and he tells you it's not you, it's them. That society is dead. But then tells you he doesn't want to commit to you because you're not perfect enough.
Not particularly in those words, but essentially he's never found anyone perfect enough to settle down for. Or excuse me, get tied down.
WHO THE FUCK IS TYING SOMEONE DOWN?
I'm throwing in the towel. I'm fed up. I'm so over this sad pathetic world of loneliness. I miss being child.
I spent time with an old crush yesterday who opened my eyes to more... He misses being a child and I couldn't even remember being a child. I never got to live and enjoy a carefree life. I always judged and made too many mistake. My mouth is what always got me in trouble whether it was for saying too much or always saying too little. I feel stupid because I never understood discretion. I never understood what it was like to verbally modest with the exception of when it came to giving myself credit for anything. His response to me not remembering being a kid was," You need to go fuck a psychologist."
Hopeless. Broken. I've just had it with my heart. It's too soft to continue to remain on a broken path.
I was told to stop rushing my life and to sit back, relax and enjoy mine day by day. How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy myself in my shit filled apartment? Alone? You like being alone. I've been alone my entire life. While you're sitting here with numerous people calling you and asking you for help that you may not want to give... at least you have people who count on you. No one takes me serious enough to even think about calling except for people who don't even listen to what I have to say anything.
It's like I'm a walking fucking joke. Good enough to call for a good fuck.. but not good enough to keep around for romance. Nothing serious anyway. Never thought of as a wife. Never thought of as anything good but a tight little vagina who fears nothing in the sack! Yeah talk about keeping it interesting. I'm condemned because I have a sexual appetite like no tomorrow?
I just wanna be fucking numb. This is why women become strippers and porn stars..
They're fucking numb, but still loved by men.
I just want to be fucking numb.
-LR.
Torn and Tangled...
I'm torn between two facts and two options.
I'm torn between what's right and good for me.
I'm torn between want and need.
I'm torn between fantasy and reality.
I'm torn between love and hate.
I'm torn between love and lust.
I'm torn between youth and growth.
I'm torn between friend and foe.
I'm torn between speaking and thinking.
I'm torn between fate and desire.
I'm torn between obligation and opinion.
I'm torn between morale and temptation.
I'm tangled in a web of what I want, what I need and pleasing others.
I'm tangled in a mess of what I know and what I want.
I'm tangled in net of catching fish in the sea that may be tempting but could cause sickness if not prepared properly.
I'm tangled in what I've created.
I want to flee free and never look back, but I still need the presence of his essence to continue feeling as though I'm worth anything.
The Vampire love I've always wanted and the vampire I always wanted.
A match with a match and match with a match.
Different wants. Natural enemies.
Fuck.
I think I may have done it in for myself again.
The commercial and actual.
The look and the life.
Waiting vs. Getting.
What's worth it anymore?
You've really done it this time, Lisa.
You've really fucked your brain.
You're all fucked up and soon you'll be left with nothing and neither.
Meant to be alone, I suppose.
-LR
I'm torn between what's right and good for me.
I'm torn between want and need.
I'm torn between fantasy and reality.
I'm torn between love and hate.
I'm torn between love and lust.
I'm torn between youth and growth.
I'm torn between friend and foe.
I'm torn between speaking and thinking.
I'm torn between fate and desire.
I'm torn between obligation and opinion.
I'm torn between morale and temptation.
I'm tangled in a web of what I want, what I need and pleasing others.
I'm tangled in a mess of what I know and what I want.
I'm tangled in net of catching fish in the sea that may be tempting but could cause sickness if not prepared properly.
I'm tangled in what I've created.
I want to flee free and never look back, but I still need the presence of his essence to continue feeling as though I'm worth anything.
The Vampire love I've always wanted and the vampire I always wanted.
A match with a match and match with a match.
Different wants. Natural enemies.
Fuck.
I think I may have done it in for myself again.
The commercial and actual.
The look and the life.
Waiting vs. Getting.
What's worth it anymore?
You've really done it this time, Lisa.
You've really fucked your brain.
You're all fucked up and soon you'll be left with nothing and neither.
Meant to be alone, I suppose.
-LR
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Comments...
I just want to take a break from my shit life and tell all my Readers that you are all very important to me! I hope you love what you read and your feed back is greatly appreciated. You guys really help me feel less alone. And even those who read and don't comment or know what to say, I can still see that I get readers and that alone makes me less alone.
Though I may know none or one of you physically, nor personally, I must say that I feel very close to you because I share my darkest and deepest feelings on here that sometimes I share with no one. As "anonymous" as this blog may be, these are very real posts and I want you all to know that nothing on here is fake. If you all personally knew me, you'd all know that this is the real me! I am as real on here as I am in person, however, I share a lot more personal and deeps thoughts with you and I just want to share how special that is to me.
Thank you all for your generous, non-judgmental comments and opinions! I welcome all of them.
:)
-LR.
Though I may know none or one of you physically, nor personally, I must say that I feel very close to you because I share my darkest and deepest feelings on here that sometimes I share with no one. As "anonymous" as this blog may be, these are very real posts and I want you all to know that nothing on here is fake. If you all personally knew me, you'd all know that this is the real me! I am as real on here as I am in person, however, I share a lot more personal and deeps thoughts with you and I just want to share how special that is to me.
Thank you all for your generous, non-judgmental comments and opinions! I welcome all of them.
:)
-LR.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Can a girl get her nookie and eat it too?
My life is an ironic basket case.
I even think it's ironic that my last post was my 69th post.
I feel like I lack progress though things have been getting better.
I miss being kissed.
I absolutely love making out.
I miss it.
I told Seth that I wouldn't be having sex with him if we don't kiss anymore because I feel like a fucking prostitute.
So last night we went to bed and he was naked...
It didn't happen.
I just felt like that was the right thing to do for myself.. but at the same time I wanna have sex. I'm a horny toad with a sexual appetite like a 15 year boy pressured to be the last one to lose his virginity. I haven't gotten sex outta my system one bit.
But again.. I say...
It's ironic.
I don't wanna be fucked liked the only female rabbit in heat.. but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
I need to be taken care of! Like fuck!
Seems like no guy can hold up his end of the bargain!
What happened to marathon sex?
What happened to seeing how long we can go and how fast we could bust a quickie..
Or maybe that was just MY initial sex life entrance..
Maybe I was just horny fucking freaked because I was fucked up in the skull.
I dunno. I wouldn't consider myself a whore because I always want sex to be with the same person.. but jesus.. can a girl get her nookie and eat it to?
We don't speak of sexual preference.. everyone just assumes..
NEVER make assumptions.
I've been drinking.
I even think it's ironic that my last post was my 69th post.
I feel like I lack progress though things have been getting better.
I miss being kissed.
I absolutely love making out.
I miss it.
I told Seth that I wouldn't be having sex with him if we don't kiss anymore because I feel like a fucking prostitute.
So last night we went to bed and he was naked...
It didn't happen.
I just felt like that was the right thing to do for myself.. but at the same time I wanna have sex. I'm a horny toad with a sexual appetite like a 15 year boy pressured to be the last one to lose his virginity. I haven't gotten sex outta my system one bit.
But again.. I say...
It's ironic.
I don't wanna be fucked liked the only female rabbit in heat.. but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
I need to be taken care of! Like fuck!
Seems like no guy can hold up his end of the bargain!
What happened to marathon sex?
What happened to seeing how long we can go and how fast we could bust a quickie..
Or maybe that was just MY initial sex life entrance..
Maybe I was just horny fucking freaked because I was fucked up in the skull.
I dunno. I wouldn't consider myself a whore because I always want sex to be with the same person.. but jesus.. can a girl get her nookie and eat it to?
We don't speak of sexual preference.. everyone just assumes..
NEVER make assumptions.
I've been drinking.
Monday, July 22, 2013
A little love never hurt anyone...
because all the times you were hurt it wasn't love.
The best feeling in the world is not good enough for some or is too good for others.
Seth is too good for me.
Period.
I'm not special enough.
Never have been\.
Never will be.
I'm so lonely. I've always been alone and just when I find someone who knows and understands that kind of loneliness, it turns out, that he's still too good for me. I'm just not that special.
I don't understand why the most hurt always end up the most lonely. It's a fucking mind fuck!
It's like we try so hard to be perfect for someone perfect and we eliminate all the horrible things to lessen the process of finding "the one". And well sure.. maybe there is never "the one" but we can find "one" who makes us feel special enough to think so.. but then what if you find them, and they end up telling you that they've never met anyone perfect enough for the perfection they've accomplished?
How are you supposed to feel about it then?
It's like just when you though you were perfect enough.. you come to find out that there is still more you can do.
Perfect is never good enough and Good enough is never good enough.
I guess I just have to accept that concept into my life and move the fuck on.
What ever happened to hesitant kisses and anticipation? That nervous feeling of butterflies you get when you feel the breath on your neck and the kisses on your ear. the breath in your ear. The gentle touch of a man's fingers along your hairline. The butterflies that take over when you gaze into his eyes. Does he feel the same? Was it special moment? or a moment he shares with everyone? Was it just initiation process? Was it just the beginning and then things are expected?
Don't kiss.
You'll get too attached.
What is this? Pretty Woman?
Have I become a financial asset to a company and now business is just business?
Never pretty enough. Never hot enough. Never good enough. Never ever good enough.
I guess the one's with pure hearts and damaged souls always end up alone.
two heads and not enough blood to run both.
But women are crazy cuz they bleed for 7 days and don't die right? YEah...
I wish I was born with a dick because I wouldn't give a fuck.
It was just easy to move on and find a new fuck.. but girls supposedly don't want him right. even though a girl told him he looks like ryan gossling.
THE NEW FUCK HYPE GUY!
Go be free! be freer than me because I am a fucking slave to my god damn heart and I can't fucking take it anymore. So before you fall in to a god damned trap like I did just save yourself the fucking expereince of more pain anf more guilt and just avoid it all! Love is god damn crock of shit!
It doesn't exist mutually it only exists as a one way ticket to loneliness.
I'm sick of this heart game!
I sick of it all.
No more fucking
No more relationships!
Just fuck it all...
Buy a gun instead of dating!
There's my finest advice for the living who have never loved.
Take it from me..
Boys aren't worth it!
Neither are Men.
And boy, oh boy, it's fucking ironic...
it's so ironic.
You fuck up.
You fix yourself.
You fuck up and fix yourself.
You find someone who matches the perfect description of everything you've ever wanted in your life and he... well he just doesn't want you.
FRIENDZONED TO THE MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Bye, Love.
It was fun while it lasted.
Really fun...
It'll never happen again and soon it'll be like it never happened.
-Lisa Rowe
The best feeling in the world is not good enough for some or is too good for others.
Seth is too good for me.
Period.
I'm not special enough.
Never have been\.
Never will be.
I'm so lonely. I've always been alone and just when I find someone who knows and understands that kind of loneliness, it turns out, that he's still too good for me. I'm just not that special.
I don't understand why the most hurt always end up the most lonely. It's a fucking mind fuck!
It's like we try so hard to be perfect for someone perfect and we eliminate all the horrible things to lessen the process of finding "the one". And well sure.. maybe there is never "the one" but we can find "one" who makes us feel special enough to think so.. but then what if you find them, and they end up telling you that they've never met anyone perfect enough for the perfection they've accomplished?
How are you supposed to feel about it then?
It's like just when you though you were perfect enough.. you come to find out that there is still more you can do.
Perfect is never good enough and Good enough is never good enough.
I guess I just have to accept that concept into my life and move the fuck on.
What ever happened to hesitant kisses and anticipation? That nervous feeling of butterflies you get when you feel the breath on your neck and the kisses on your ear. the breath in your ear. The gentle touch of a man's fingers along your hairline. The butterflies that take over when you gaze into his eyes. Does he feel the same? Was it special moment? or a moment he shares with everyone? Was it just initiation process? Was it just the beginning and then things are expected?
Don't kiss.
You'll get too attached.
What is this? Pretty Woman?
Have I become a financial asset to a company and now business is just business?
Never pretty enough. Never hot enough. Never good enough. Never ever good enough.
I guess the one's with pure hearts and damaged souls always end up alone.
two heads and not enough blood to run both.
But women are crazy cuz they bleed for 7 days and don't die right? YEah...
I wish I was born with a dick because I wouldn't give a fuck.
It was just easy to move on and find a new fuck.. but girls supposedly don't want him right. even though a girl told him he looks like ryan gossling.
THE NEW FUCK HYPE GUY!
Go be free! be freer than me because I am a fucking slave to my god damn heart and I can't fucking take it anymore. So before you fall in to a god damned trap like I did just save yourself the fucking expereince of more pain anf more guilt and just avoid it all! Love is god damn crock of shit!
It doesn't exist mutually it only exists as a one way ticket to loneliness.
I'm sick of this heart game!
I sick of it all.
No more fucking
No more relationships!
Just fuck it all...
Buy a gun instead of dating!
There's my finest advice for the living who have never loved.
Take it from me..
Boys aren't worth it!
Neither are Men.
And boy, oh boy, it's fucking ironic...
it's so ironic.
You fuck up.
You fix yourself.
You fuck up and fix yourself.
You find someone who matches the perfect description of everything you've ever wanted in your life and he... well he just doesn't want you.
FRIENDZONED TO THE MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Bye, Love.
It was fun while it lasted.
Really fun...
It'll never happen again and soon it'll be like it never happened.
-Lisa Rowe
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Midnight Saddness
"We suffer everyday. What is it for? These crowns of illusion..."
"It's only you who can tear me apart."
Seth and I argued like never before. I told thank you for the help but I think I need to do the rest on my own.
I'm too stubborn for my own good and it'll be the finalization to my own catastrophe.
I cleaned the fuck outta my kitchen today. I cleaned the fuck outta my living room today.
I'm tired of everything. I wanna throw away all my shit. I wanna disappear. I have a feeling he's not coming back anymore.
He detaches easily.
Good bye true love.
I'll regret this in a month.
When he's fucking someone else through my wall again.
I wish I could find the balls to slit my wrists and bleed to death.
It's hilarious because no one knows that I feel this way.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
I think I'm too curious to die but too hopeless to live.
I'm so over everything. I'll just sit in my apartment and rot.
Hah! I fucking hate myself.
-LR.
"It's only you who can tear me apart."
Seth and I argued like never before. I told thank you for the help but I think I need to do the rest on my own.
I'm too stubborn for my own good and it'll be the finalization to my own catastrophe.
I cleaned the fuck outta my kitchen today. I cleaned the fuck outta my living room today.
I'm tired of everything. I wanna throw away all my shit. I wanna disappear. I have a feeling he's not coming back anymore.
He detaches easily.
Good bye true love.
I'll regret this in a month.
When he's fucking someone else through my wall again.
I wish I could find the balls to slit my wrists and bleed to death.
It's hilarious because no one knows that I feel this way.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
I think I'm too curious to die but too hopeless to live.
I'm so over everything. I'll just sit in my apartment and rot.
Hah! I fucking hate myself.
-LR.
Thrice Thinking Twice
Wake Up.
No Response
Summer days are becoming almost as lonely as Summer nights.
How do you make the constant broken record of bullshit stop in your brain.
"He doesn't want you!"
"Get over it."
"You let him do that to you."
"You don't deserve to be happy."
"Whore."
"Fat Whore."
"You Monster!"
"I am unprotected. I am vulnerable. I lack protection. I will never be safe. Only safe behind my walls of protection. And yes it's lonely. But I'd rather be lonely than be hurt again."
"He's gonna hurt you even though he says he doesn't want to."
I need to get away.
It's not that love hurts. It's just I've never felt real love before.
How can one be secure in themselves when they've never felt the warmth of real love.
What I thought was a glimpse of real love was only a fucked way of saying I wanna fuck.
"It's all over now."
This is what adulthood has become.
A lonely fucked up world of no one responding to your most vulnerable text messages.
They tell you to open up. You demand that they get over that idea because you know what happens when you open doors.
You end up having a lot of fun drinking with friend until it's time to lay alone again in an empty ass apartment with a mean shit head of a cat. You lay down your head. You try to close your eyes. Turn off all the lights. Set your alarm because even though you don't have work there's a lot of work to do. OCD. Germaphobe. In and out. Up and Down.... "Women are all over the place..Most of them anyway."
You toss your pillows. You switch pillows. You hug pillows. You punch your pillows. You get angry and then
BAM!!!!!!!
All the thoughts of all things you said when you opened up come in like fucking flood behind a broken dam and your world is upside down again.
You fucking whore.
You dirty disgusting whore.
You are a horrible person.
He doesn't love you.
You're so pathetic.
And then the gates let in the flood to point your stomach is turning from all the pain.
Broken heart.
Broken childhood.
Broken Brain.
You text because you were told,"I'll always be there for you. "
No one responds.
You cry harder. Begging the universe for a fucking escape. Where are the pills? You don't have any. There's nothing to take this pain away. Nothing!
Where's the broken glass?
You threw it all away.
Where's the blade?
Oh, wait! You're not supposed to do that, right?
So you send someone else a text. The last one you opened up to. No response.
Time to cry harder I suppose.
No one "really" fucking cares.
You're just left to rot in your fucking tears at 26 years old crying over fucked up shit that happened to you when you were 5 and when you tried to fucking grow up at 14.
GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING SORRY ASS CUNT BAG!
Wake up in the morning with hopes in the god forsaken Universe that everything will be okay in the morning.
You wake up [alone]. You get up [alone]. You make your way into the kitchen to finish the project you started a week ago. And then BAM! All hope is gone again. The universe and the world has let you down again.
No Response.
No change.
No smile.
No reason.
Just the same fucking broken record replaying the same fucking song.
I just wanna hold me breath until I pass out. Preferably under water.
I wanna disappear. Show this world just how fucking invisible I can really be.
I give up.
I miss the sweet little girl who used to wake up at 5 a.m. and exercise.
The one who set rules on herself. Who had dreams. Who had hopes.
I hate this brainwashed, bitter, angry woman I've become. If I could slit her throat, I would.
Just a heads up...
The world doesn't have patience for the hurt ones.
Pain fucking sucks.
You begin to clean. You see him.
"Are you okay?"
[in my mind I say," That would have been more of a legitimate question last night or this morning before you got dressed, don't you think?]
But what you really say is," Just fucking grand!"
"Cheer up."
"Oh, yeah overnight."
You are still alone.
Always alone.
Alone, to live your fucked up misery.
No one wants to hear your problems.
I hope I get hit by a fucking bus.
-Lr.
P.S. Think THRICE before you open your heart. Think a million times before you ever reveal your most painful secrets because exactly what you thought was going to happen, does.
It's a matter of time before I end up fucking committed.
I have no room for anyone in my life anymore.
I have no more room for more pain.
Enough is enough.
No Response
Summer days are becoming almost as lonely as Summer nights.
How do you make the constant broken record of bullshit stop in your brain.
"He doesn't want you!"
"Get over it."
"You let him do that to you."
"You don't deserve to be happy."
"Whore."
"Fat Whore."
"You Monster!"
"I am unprotected. I am vulnerable. I lack protection. I will never be safe. Only safe behind my walls of protection. And yes it's lonely. But I'd rather be lonely than be hurt again."
"He's gonna hurt you even though he says he doesn't want to."
I need to get away.
It's not that love hurts. It's just I've never felt real love before.
How can one be secure in themselves when they've never felt the warmth of real love.
What I thought was a glimpse of real love was only a fucked way of saying I wanna fuck.
"It's all over now."
This is what adulthood has become.
A lonely fucked up world of no one responding to your most vulnerable text messages.
They tell you to open up. You demand that they get over that idea because you know what happens when you open doors.
You end up having a lot of fun drinking with friend until it's time to lay alone again in an empty ass apartment with a mean shit head of a cat. You lay down your head. You try to close your eyes. Turn off all the lights. Set your alarm because even though you don't have work there's a lot of work to do. OCD. Germaphobe. In and out. Up and Down.... "Women are all over the place..Most of them anyway."
You toss your pillows. You switch pillows. You hug pillows. You punch your pillows. You get angry and then
BAM!!!!!!!
All the thoughts of all things you said when you opened up come in like fucking flood behind a broken dam and your world is upside down again.
You fucking whore.
You dirty disgusting whore.
You are a horrible person.
He doesn't love you.
You're so pathetic.
And then the gates let in the flood to point your stomach is turning from all the pain.
Broken heart.
Broken childhood.
Broken Brain.
You text because you were told,"I'll always be there for you. "
No one responds.
You cry harder. Begging the universe for a fucking escape. Where are the pills? You don't have any. There's nothing to take this pain away. Nothing!
Where's the broken glass?
You threw it all away.
Where's the blade?
Oh, wait! You're not supposed to do that, right?
So you send someone else a text. The last one you opened up to. No response.
Time to cry harder I suppose.
No one "really" fucking cares.
You're just left to rot in your fucking tears at 26 years old crying over fucked up shit that happened to you when you were 5 and when you tried to fucking grow up at 14.
GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING SORRY ASS CUNT BAG!
Wake up in the morning with hopes in the god forsaken Universe that everything will be okay in the morning.
You wake up [alone]. You get up [alone]. You make your way into the kitchen to finish the project you started a week ago. And then BAM! All hope is gone again. The universe and the world has let you down again.
No Response.
No change.
No smile.
No reason.
Just the same fucking broken record replaying the same fucking song.
I just wanna hold me breath until I pass out. Preferably under water.
I wanna disappear. Show this world just how fucking invisible I can really be.
I give up.
I miss the sweet little girl who used to wake up at 5 a.m. and exercise.
The one who set rules on herself. Who had dreams. Who had hopes.
I hate this brainwashed, bitter, angry woman I've become. If I could slit her throat, I would.
Just a heads up...
The world doesn't have patience for the hurt ones.
Pain fucking sucks.
You begin to clean. You see him.
"Are you okay?"
[in my mind I say," That would have been more of a legitimate question last night or this morning before you got dressed, don't you think?]
But what you really say is," Just fucking grand!"
"Cheer up."
"Oh, yeah overnight."
You are still alone.
Always alone.
Alone, to live your fucked up misery.
No one wants to hear your problems.
I hope I get hit by a fucking bus.
-Lr.
P.S. Think THRICE before you open your heart. Think a million times before you ever reveal your most painful secrets because exactly what you thought was going to happen, does.
It's a matter of time before I end up fucking committed.
I have no room for anyone in my life anymore.
I have no more room for more pain.
Enough is enough.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Keep the Silence; Keep the Peace...
Just got off the phone with my grandmother..
The one who used to save me from my mental demons.
She kidnap me and we'd go to lunch and eat Chinese chicken salads.
She said this age [26] was her enlightening age. She learned so much at this age. She really enjoyed this one the most.
This is NOT the case with me.
I miss things going back to normal.
Wait.. what's that? Normal?
This is the best it's ever been..
"Supposedly"
It's sad to even admit that.
I have no food in my apartment.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Seth asked me this morning [when I woke up in his bed]
If I ate as a reply to me saying,"I feel weak."
I should have never told him anything.
Now everyday is bombarded with stupid questions like
"Are you okay?"
"How was day?"
"Was today better?"
"Did you eat?"
Ugh! NO NO NO
Hence the reason I never wanted to tell you anything. Cuz I knew you'd bring it up.
Leave me alone.
Just go away!
Let me rot in my pathetic [un-paid-for] apartment.
I wish I could fade away into bones and disappear.
He's so tiny. Why would he want to fuck a cow?
I wouldn't....
Scale = 157
But my size is the same as it was when I was 148...
I don't understand.
It's gross.
Fuck food.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
Just me.
-LR.
The one who used to save me from my mental demons.
She kidnap me and we'd go to lunch and eat Chinese chicken salads.
She said this age [26] was her enlightening age. She learned so much at this age. She really enjoyed this one the most.
This is NOT the case with me.
I miss things going back to normal.
Wait.. what's that? Normal?
This is the best it's ever been..
"Supposedly"
It's sad to even admit that.
I have no food in my apartment.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Seth asked me this morning [when I woke up in his bed]
If I ate as a reply to me saying,"I feel weak."
I should have never told him anything.
Now everyday is bombarded with stupid questions like
"Are you okay?"
"How was day?"
"Was today better?"
"Did you eat?"
Ugh! NO NO NO
Hence the reason I never wanted to tell you anything. Cuz I knew you'd bring it up.
Leave me alone.
Just go away!
Let me rot in my pathetic [un-paid-for] apartment.
I wish I could fade away into bones and disappear.
He's so tiny. Why would he want to fuck a cow?
I wouldn't....
Scale = 157
But my size is the same as it was when I was 148...
I don't understand.
It's gross.
Fuck food.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
Just me.
-LR.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Daddy Daddy
Daddy Daddy
pay my rent
Be the one
Whom I call to vent
Daddy Daddy
He calls last night
Calls me fat
and to keep up the fight
Daddy Daddy
Called me today
fat again
a little exercise wouldn't hurt
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I was 5?
While the beast with my mom touched my thighs
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I lived
because I was awfully close
I wish I hadn't
Daddy Daddy
Why did you leave
Fight for me
Stop making fun and hug me
Daddy Daddy
I'm fucked up now
Can't make you proud
I'm just your fat cow
Daddy Daddy
I wish I were dead
Did you know
I never sleep in my own bed
Daddy Daddy
put the beer down
Cuz you're an asshole
when you're not around
Daddy Daddy
I feel sick
Sick from the saddness
Death by dick.
pay my rent
Be the one
Whom I call to vent
Daddy Daddy
He calls last night
Calls me fat
and to keep up the fight
Daddy Daddy
Called me today
fat again
a little exercise wouldn't hurt
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I was 5?
While the beast with my mom touched my thighs
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I lived
because I was awfully close
I wish I hadn't
Daddy Daddy
Why did you leave
Fight for me
Stop making fun and hug me
Daddy Daddy
I'm fucked up now
Can't make you proud
I'm just your fat cow
Daddy Daddy
I wish I were dead
Did you know
I never sleep in my own bed
Daddy Daddy
put the beer down
Cuz you're an asshole
when you're not around
Daddy Daddy
I feel sick
Sick from the saddness
Death by dick.
Monday, July 1, 2013
You're fucking sick!
I thought I was getting better.
I thought everything was going to be okay.
I just feel gross now.
I'm embarassed.
I'm annoyed.
I purged today.
I want to be empty. I am empty.
I'll never be good enough for anyone else.
I'm damaged goods.
No one wants damaged goods.
-LR
I thought everything was going to be okay.
I just feel gross now.
I'm embarassed.
I'm annoyed.
I purged today.
I want to be empty. I am empty.
I'll never be good enough for anyone else.
I'm damaged goods.
No one wants damaged goods.
-LR
A Secret; Can You Keep It?
I told him my secrets. His eyes filled with hatred. Then he wanted to fuck me again, sucked on my tits while I sucked his dick and then we called it a night.
He said his assumptions are correct and that nothing has changed.
But I've changed. I can't love him anymore. I'm dirty now.
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