Sunday, May 6, 2018


I thought I was going to bring in new beginnings.. but it seems like each new beginning is just a reminder that I'm more invisible than ever before.  I'm not appreciated, wanted, adored, admired, needed, inspired by...

I feel so worthless and unsupported.

I don't know what I can do anymore.. I've done everything.. It's all a fucking waiting game.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

At Which Point?..[also made 2 or 3 years ago and was never published]

At which point am I supposed to give up?

I can't have anything.

I'm slowly giving up and no one hears me.

I'm in a box, alone... and no one hears a peep.

A glass box with muffled screams coming from the inside.. It's a wonder I've made it this far.

I have a headache.

I'm just a waste of space and a waste of a heart and a brain.

Why can't I just be happy like the rest of the world?  Why was I so alone and miserable my entire life?

I don't deserve this... but apparently I must deserve since shit never seems to stop happening.. I must have been the lucky star, born on the lucky day at the lucky hour of [this person is too much bullshit].

I think I'm dying.

A post made 2 years ago that was never published...

Italian red wine.
No make up.
No life.
I've cut off my entire family.
I've cut off my friends.
I cut off the boy.
I hate my life.
I hate my body.
I hate my world.
I wish I could run away from all of it.
I want to disappear.
I appreciate my readers.
I was offered to write on another blog to contribute.
I appreciate it.
I don't know whether to take the offer.
These are my real feelings.
I am a real girl alone in the world somewhere in California.
No one knows I exist.
I lost my job.
My world is crumbling down around me.

My Spiritual Journey...

"The founders of ----------------- established the first perish in ------------ because of the amount of Aether in the air."

I live in an area that is beautiful and by the beach.  There is lots of light, everyone is nice, sunny, bright, and laid back.. Being a vampire from LA, this can get a little... well... Pretty fucking annoying actually...

I love the beach. Every New Moon, I manifest with my friend, who I met here, over the phone, because she moved to the Midwest.  We'll name her Dalia. Dalia is the friend I've been wishing for since I left my first high school.  She is perfect! and has helped me grow spiritually in so many ways.  I can't thank her more! She has been fucking GOLD!

I've been studying a lot of Occult subjects and using divination tools to help me balance out my life.

I believe you can't truly begin a true spiritual journey without the death of the Ego.  In order to have the death of the Ego, you have to have suffered to the point of actual death.  When you face it, and you're able to recover, you see the world in a completely different light.  COMPLETELY!

But until you've been there, I don't think you can truly appreciate nothingness as much as you can if you have. 

Being here, I have learned so much along the spiritual path I've been traveling.  And while I've been doing all of this.. my family and friend relationships have been relentless.

I just came home on Monday for the first time in 2 weeks. My car is a fucking disaster and so is my room.  I walk in my room after a VERY long day since I was visiting with family visiting from out of state, and of course it's to a shit ton of chaos ... my cousin and his gf... the bells on all the fucking doors.. the voices.. the space in the house that echos people's voices.  I'm just so over the chaos.  I can barely relax anymore.. These people have no respect for anything I say.. nor my personal space. I had to put a lock on the door.

I just cant wait to move out of here.  I hope Seth and I really get through all the shit that happened over the weekend and I hope we are able to rekindle the fire that has kept us close for 5+ years.

But only time, hard work, and patience will tell...

Saturn retrograde [for 5 months beginning today] says look inside yourself for answers. 

Pluto retrograde [for 5 months beginning Sunday] says look at past hurts and finally heal; big transformation.

I hope...

I just really fucking hope.

Sometimes... that's all we fucking can do.

Good night, lovelies <3


PS.  Time alone is key to completely filter out the influences of external forces. Without the filter, life will completely consume you and shit you out without a plan.  The true secret to life is sovereignty. You do you, boo! 

The Background Story | How I got Here...

One year ago, February 2017, I moved here with the idea that I would live with my grandmother for a little over a year to save money and get back on my feet.  Though the time may be on track...  NOTHING was anything as simple as the way I expected it. 

In 2016 I was a hot fucking mess. The year started off with me questioning my relationship. I was teaching kids art and trying to figure out how to move back to LA.. not just LA county. I was finally back down to a size 6 and I was feeling good about it.

I wasn't eating meat except sushi and fish, no bread, no carbs, no starches, no sugars, very little dairy, white cheeses only, and anything I ate was organic or non GMO.  I obviously didn't drink soda and mainly drank black coffee, an occasional latte, tea, and organic raw milk.  I was on and off of diet pills and just completely invested in getting back on my old routine schedule I had been praying to get back on since I ever left it. 

I was waking up at 6 am every day and having a power hour and really making my time count.  I got my first art job helping paint a job on a set for a local high school. I was working with a friend of mine from college.  My life was finally going the way I wanted it to... Or so I thought...

One day, while painting on the set, we decided we were going to drink beer.  Well, me and this friend got into a heated discussion a couple days before that and she embarrassed me in front of students.. so I was a little salty...  I wasn't feeling too shabby so I took a couple sips of my imperial stout and was done. I capped it and put it back in my bag.  My hand reeked of alcohol.. so I figured since they give DUI's out like candy, I should take the freeway home just in case.. even thought I wasn't even drunk... nor had I even been drinking.. I TOOK TWO FUCKING SIPS! Anyway.. My paranoia made me think of beer smells etc so I took the freeway. 

As I'm on the freeway, it's Friday night, about 1:30 am.. prime time for drunkards driving.. so I stayed in the slow lane to avoid the havoc... and BOOM.. I hit a fucking black lab and completely totaled my fucking car.. I had just gone down to liability too because I couldn't afford full coverage.. so.. I was super fucked.  I called a local tow truck company, Seth came to my rescue AGAIN! and we towed the car home.

I was in shock for about 2 days and then finally was able to calm down.. kinda.. I still have a hard time on the freeway in first lanes.  I had a little PTSD for like month.. dicussed it with my therapist and tried to deal...

Well, no car meant, no job.  I couldn't finish the art job. Seth was angry... I had to use his car for everything...  and ask him for rides to get everywhere... I was just in a pile of shit.  Well funds began dwindling and I had to find a way to make money so I decided Uber was an okay form of transportation and Seth offered to take me to work if I needed it. 

So I got a job at a local retail clothing store ... Hot Topic.  I was an assistant store manager. I got hired in as a manager which never fucking happens there.. and I was excited...  I was so jazzed!  I had always wanted to work at Hot Topic.. not to mention I was the fucking Assistant Store Manager!!!!! Anyway..

So .. to fast forward .. My boss hated me.. my staff hated me for instilling discipline in their customer service and cleaning skills... and eventually, I was fired for working off the clock for 15 min.  It was shit! I was pissed...  meanwhile, a temporary ASM who was there to help revamp the store.. and who also stole shit all the time.. replaced me.. I was super disappointed and depressed. 

Luckily, Seth had just fixed my car so Uber was the way to go! I decided I would work Uber! Why not?? I mean it was easy money right? 

No. Not for me.  Not full-time anyway.

A couple months or about one month before I got fired, Seth got a notice that he had to move...  Stupid management company was a piece of shit and took sides with orges without hearing Seth's side of the story... Unbiased, Seth really was in the right... but hey.. What ever.. it's over now, right?  So along with me losing my job etc. Seth had to move.. no longer neighbors.. I was so fucking sad! There was just sooo much fucking drama and chaos.

Oh and I also crashed his car too and my insurance company totalled out his car.. and he got a good amount of money for it.. and that's how we were able to fix my car..

Anyway... then money was dwindling again.. and I couldn't afford my apartment because I wasn't making enough with Uber..... the anxiety affected me to the point I began not being able to leave my apartment.. I felt afraid, alone, and threatened by the world.. I couldn't even go to Target without a 30 minute crying meltdown in the car because I was deathly afraid of pretty people..... Ugh.. Seth had to prep talk me on the phone to walk inside. and then I'd walk in and be shaking with terror.  It was horrible.. I couldn't go in for TOOTHPASTE!  fucking horrible!

Around Thanksgiving.. I went and visited my grandmother.. I was hesitant for a lot of reasons... but she offered me to come live with her.. she said my cousin, who I really don't get along with very well.. wasn't allowed to come back .. and that it would be nice to move down to the beach etc and that I needed to be around family because of the panic attacks etc.. that I needed to be closer to family ....

I put my 30 day notice in in Jan.. and was out by Feb 2. 

[SIDE STORY REALLY QUICKLY]  I have been dehoarding my life for 5 years if not longer.. so I have a lot of stuff.. but nothing near as bad as the tv shows.. just pretty much a pack rat.. but still downsizing as I heal more. 

Within 2 days... my grandma saw the amount of boxes I moved temporarily, and what I said was temporarily, in my room and she already wanted me to go.. so I pretty much got kicked out 2 days after living there.. I was already regreting this fucking move..

a month later and 2 weeks.. my cousin moved back in...

It has been a fucking shit show!

Anyway.. I should be moving by the end of April.. all my shit into a storage.. and then I'll be couch bouncing until I find a room to rent or a studio .. Preferably studio.. but CA is the most expensive place to live.. so don't move here.... Cuz it fucking sucks if you don't make enough money to rent your own place....

I will create another to explain my cousin in a nutshell another night.  I don't feel like getting into that right now.


Next Post: My spiritual journey and my current today life.


New Beginnings...


It's been a while.

I miss this blog. 

I decided to come back because, honestly, I have no one anymore... I mean.. I guess I have people around me who want to care, but no one who actually gets it.  It's actually been a really fucking tough year. 

I'm fatter than hell.. I don't even know where to begin anymore.. My life is such a fucking mess.  I have learned so much about my surrounds that I feel like an entirely new person and I supposed I'll be displaying that soon.

I'm really ready to come out of my shell but not like I did before. 

I'm for the world to see the really me, but I'm not going to show myself off.  I'm just going to remain subtle and just do it.

Geez.. this blog brings back so many memories and honestly, I miss the people who used to follow it. 

I miss my friends I had on here. 

Life is so fucking lonely now.  And I can't even express it anymore because I'm so fucking misunderstood. 

It's like... If I said, " I don't want to wear the white wool coat." Everyone will yell at me as they're throwing white wool coats at me and helping me put them all on at the same time..

Like, what the fuck.. I can't ever get a fucking break.

I moved in with family...


I moved to a city/county 100+ miles away from where I've always grown up [My whole fucking life]

I'd say that was problem number 2.. but actually.. I met a really awesome friend here and I love my job.  I miss Mister.  [Yes, we are still a thing...][...kinda...] [that's anoter entry worth... ]

But I guess... I can use this as a platform to express my day to day after fucking being here for a god damn, gruesome, horrifying, depressing, chaotic year.

You have no fucking idea.


PS. I am alone now.  It is just me.  I have been on a spiritual journey to balance the marital union in the self. I manifest my destiny.  I define me.  I am in control of my path, my path, my light, and I'm making it happen. 

Saturday, October 24, 2015

No more...

Maybe no one give a fuck anymore.