Saturday, October 24, 2015

No more...

Maybe no one give a fuck anymore.

Monday, October 19, 2015

We can still support each other.. All's we gotta is avoid each other...

As you may have guessed...

Things with Seth have just progressively gotten worse and better.


It's fun.

"When it's it's good, it's REALLY good; when it's bad, it's REALLY bad."

Let's just say... Coping methods.

Bad habits and bad coping methods..

I've lost 30 lbs

Avoid the obvious.

Empty stomach is an empty heart.

Feel nothing and you'll never get hurt.

I'm in a dark-er place now..

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


I've been fasting for 4 days.

I've lost 6 lbs so far.

I have convinced myself that I don't need food. That my body will eat up all the fat and use that energy.  I feel better not eating. Powerful. Happier.

No food = no feelings = no pain.

I wish I would have figured this out sooner.
Like before all the shitty weight gain over time and through the tragedies.

Before I met Seth.

We're still seeing each other.

I guess,

I told him today that we needed some time away from one another because I hate the way he talks to me.  I've figure out that it's emotional abuse.

Well, it was emotional, physical, and verbal.

But I deserved it.

I tried to kill myself and he saved me.
Out of anger he lost control because I scared him.

But ultimately, I did deserve it.

I have a phobia of certain public places.  I can't be around pretty people or I freak out and want to go home.  I can't be around really skinny people because I get really anxious and want to go home.  I went to the store the other fay and left because there was a really pretty girl walking with her boyfriend.

Are these my new triggers? Because he called me fat? [ which he denies, now, by the way]

I had a panic attack last night at his apt.  I was in his living room. It was 4 am.  He was asleep. I was alone.

I had a nose bleed today.

I was late to work because we were arguing and I left to go back home.

I feel kinda numb today....

But I like it..

I had a flashback the other night.

It was horrible.

First one in years..

What happened?

Is it sad that I'm happy about this huge trigger?

I'm comforted by all of this...

I can't believe it... but I can.. I remember the emptiness like HS.
I remember the safe feeling knowing that I can say no.

I don't need food.
As long as I stay hydrated.. I don't need food.
I need water and coffee.

I have plenty of fat to burn for an energy source. I have Seth convinced that it's me getting in touch with my primate ways.  That if we were still hunter gatherers we wouldn't eat half as much if we had to hunt for our food. So I'm only eating when I'm hungry.  And I know that when I'm hungry, I'm most likely thirsty since I have so much fat.

Fat is first to go.. then muscle..

I have A LONG way to go still.

One day at a time.


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Concrete Vanishing...

Ever have that feeling that you've been working on becoming something you're entire life only to find out that you want none of it anymore?

Ever been beat to hell emotionally, physically, and verbally, all at the same time in 3 hours?

Ever been so anxious and so confused that you can't eat?

Ever been so full from a salad that you pace in your hallway for 5 mins and know you won't stop until it's gone?

Ever felt like you're the only going through all of this at the same time?

Ever feel like you're screaming underwater at a BBQ and everyone is watching but no one can hear you and they all think you're playing a prank but really you're dying?

Ever want to be 100 lbs and look at a donut in front of everyone and call yourself fat so all the other people can look at you and admire you're control?

Ever run with shin splints?

Ever felt so much in one fucking night ... and then felt so fucking numb after you don't even know how you were able to be hurt in the first place?

Ever wonder when and how you're going to die?

Ever wish you could grow wings and fly away from all of it feeling weightless and disaster free?

Ever hate yourself for eating bread?

Ever count calories like dollar bills from tips?

Ever sleep in your car on Christmas wondering if some guy will just come and "get it over with"?

Have you?

Then what are you doing?

How are you fixing it?

Did you get better?

Did you want to?

Oh, you did?

There's the difference... This shit has become the norm... nothing is new anymore.. Nothing is safe anymore.... nothing is REAL anymore...

When can I wake up from my dream?

When can I leave this shit hole?

What the fuck am I here for?

7.5 billion.....


What's one less gonna hurt.... Vacancy rates?

Anyone want a black cat? He pissed on my telescope cover....

He's dead to me.


Tuesday, June 9, 2015


I found a pro ana/mia chat room......
It's like the old episodes of one of those cartoons... "Good Idea/ Bad Idea".....

I'm not sure yet..

But we are eating 70 cals a day for the rest of the week.. working out 2 hours..

So far I've had 5.... I'm cutting tuna out of my lunch...

Grapefruit only.. black coffee.. tea.. water....

Til Friday..

Scale hasn't budged for 3 days.. I need a push.. I've already got 30 minutes in..

Is there anyone out there anymore?

Just wondering if I'm speaking to blank space now days since everyone has recovered...

Monday, June 8, 2015

Not who... but what...


Not too bad....

at least it's under 800.....


walked for 25 ran for 5....

still doing crunches, sit ups, squats, push ups, leg lifts, and planks tonight...

we'll see how things go in the morning...

This weigh in was pretty shitty,....

I see more loss than what is on the scale.. but that number is so important...

["I won't date a girl who ways more than me....." ]

he's 130.....

How did I end up like this? Where did my strength go?

I was so close a few years ago... I was sooooo fucking close... But that fucking bladder infection ruined everything. I ruined everything.. I ruined me..
I need this. I need this more than anything.. I never want to give up.  Someone pump me up!


I hate my body. I hate my face. I hate my fucking hair....

Maybe we just learn to hate ourselves to a point where we just don't give a fuck anymore and then wake up and look fucking gross.. have a reality check and realize that we've been snoozing... no more hitting snooze... I can't afford to.

I'm mean... look at me.. what the fuck am I anymore?

No Budging...

weigh in is stuck again... I guess I have to work harder

no tuna today.
1/2 grapefruit only.
deal, fatty