Secrets diving in like memories from a foreign vacation.  It's hard to focus on what's around me anymore. I'm constanly in an obsessive world that no one hears or sees. I let little words seep out to see their reactions and they never catch on. If you avoid the subject long enough. they give up.

"I just don't."
"I just don't."
"I just don't."

Imagine that... a world where you never have to answer questions that are asked.... I never thought I'd live in that world. I never thought that was a possibility.  

I really hope the book does me justice.  I've found a number of things to be triggering lately.

My mother lost her storage unit because she's still married to that asshole of a step-father of mine... and well.... she lost ALL of our pictures.. My prom pictures are gone, my childhood pictures are gone, he childhood pictures are gone, all of my awards from school are gone, all of my certificates, first place awards from varsity track, all of my old report cards, and drawings, and things I've ever given to my mother... LOST!

FOREVER!


lol... what else is going to be "taken" from me?


lol .. it's a matter of time.. My clock is tick tick ticking away....

This is a nice game I like to play....


Fuck the world and fornicate..

I hate myself when I look in the mirror.

stuck...

I gave up on the ABC cuz I fucked up too much.  I'm just gonna stick to 2468 everyday from now on. 

I hope the rest of you are hanging in there. I hope you are doing better than your fellow failure... me.  I've lost which is good.. 5 lbs in 3 days.. but now I'm stuck. My met. is so sensitive now. It stops at the sight of no food. UGH! I hate this shit. I read up on a lot of shit, and I think I'm gonna switch from diet coke to sparkling water.  I think I need to just suffer for a while. Fuck the taste. I only eat to live.  I need to stay on that.

I'm a fucking fatso.  I want to hit at least the 130s in the next month and a half, and 110 asap. my ultimate goal is 100. I was reading on a site that that's what I would have to weigh in order to see thin.  So there ya go! 100 it is. 

It was so fucking sad... the bf came up to me today and told me he didn't understand my status update on FB and was like.. so I have no idea what's going with you lately... what did that mean.. and I told him I forgot.. I mean.. how am I supposed to explain why I laughed at irony in my status. there's a lot...

I went to a bar the other with a really good friend from HS [his dad died 2 days ago]  and his other bff was asking me.. so how are you? I was like.. "uhhhhhh... lol um..... I'm alive and breathing." 

She's like yeah , but how are you....
I was like that's been a hard question to answer lately.  Then I told him that I lost 5 lbs from the 10 i gained from getting fired, in 3 days and he's like.... LR, are you eating? I'm like.. yeah.... well, like.. a lot less, obviously.. he's like 5 lbs in 3 days is a lot and I worry about you...

No worry here!.... [in my head I'm thinking... no worry here, I'm just starving that's all cuz I'm extremely disgusted by my ridiculously gross body that I've let get to shit over the years and have done everything to stop and I can't... ]

I never wanted to resort back to starving myself, because my old best friend from hs told me it was bad for me and I really am a people pleaser at times..

But here I am.. I beat myself up over everything..

And I WONT stop til I'm 100 lb. Momma's not here to stop me anymore. 

I just can't wait to here them tell me how thin I am again.. I want them to question me so I can lie to them and tell them I eat ice cream all day.

tomorrow is easter and my mom is making ham..lucky for me, I don't like ham.... so I'll be eating veggies.....  I also get to leave early.. they are so fucking oblivious it's ridiculous... I'll do this.  she praises me when I'm thin..

She used to call me skinny minnie... and when I hit 149 and was size 7 again she started saying it again.. and it felt good to hear her say something good about me for once.

I'm 163 today.. I fucked up bad....

I was 168 at the beginning of my period..

I have about 3 more days til the period is over, then I'll begin diuretics and pills etc, and I found all these foods with met boosting ingredients in them... 2468 for the rest of my life...

100 is around the corner.  I just have to stay strong and shut up!

<3 Stay strong, lovies.. I hope you all hang in there..

After all, Fatties don't need to rule this place any longer.. let's make a difference..

I feel sick to my stomach....



btw... fiona apple is great thinspo music.. just saying... When I listen to her songs, I get super pumped... cuz she's been there .. I've been there... and I'm fuckin back... You have no idea how fucking sad I am.. I'm not gonna lie.. Lol. I feel like crying with a fucking smile.. I can't even cry anymore.. I couldn't cry over my friend's dad's death.. my bf was like LR it's okay to cry over this....

... i changed the subject and made us both laugh....

I don't cry.

I fucking derserve it.

I'm a horrible fucking person who doesn't deserve food or a tear..

i've never hated myself so much. 

lol.

People who live in the past....

...are people like me. 

I was comfortable in my skin. I was "normal".  I just wanted to be thin.
I went to bed on time, woke up early, did what I needed to do when no one was looking. I was controlled.

I'd go to be no later than 10; wake up at 4:30 stretch and get dressed by 5.  Yoga at 5 - 5:30. shower at 5:30 6: I'd get out and get dressed.  6:30 I'd leave for school and start class at 7.  I was perfect. I was ready. I was an "adult" I was 115.

I had about an inch left on my stomach that had to go and about an inch on my arms as well. I was so close..

I'd work out every morning and every night. I never ate quesadillas, fried chicken, chorizo, sliced cheese, greasy food, donuts, super sugary foods/drinks, or fattening things...

I categorized food and made it a point to eat the same or less as my brother who is 6 years younger than me and was like 6 - 13 at the time......


I was strong. 


That girl got swallowed by a drug addict who's guilty pleasure turned her rancid.  He bisexuality trapped her in a rut she'd never get out of.  So she became numb. She did meth. She smoked pot.  She tried coke.  She loved coke. Coke makes you pretty. Coke makes you skinny. Coke makes you perfect! I was becoming perfect. Until the money ran out. Then I'd binge and binge. I took boxes of laxatives in one week. I was dying. I could see it in my face. I had to go home. I to get out. My apartment was killing me.  So was my gf....but she loved me. I didn't love me. I couldn't love her.  I needed to leave. I was fat. I was gross. I was rancid I was uncontrolled. 

One day I was browsing on the internet and I found Ana.  She was pretty angry with the way I'd treated my body.  She constantly reminded me through dreams and flashbacks what it was like to perfect. I was perfect. She knew me when I was perfect.  She loved me when I was perfect. I loved me when I was perfect.  I loved Ana.  She was perfect. 

I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted. I can't look in the mirror without feeling shame. I hate my body. I hate my fat. I hate my disgusting breathing vessel full of smothering grossness.  No one around me REALLY understands the HATE I have for my fucked up body.  How could anyone want me? How does my bf sleep with me? How does he look at me? 

And compliments... Oh, fuck the compliments...

I'm sick of them.  I'm sick and tired of them all. I'm tired of people trying to convince me that everything is okay when it's not.  it's sickening...

I lie somewhere between doing it right and being stuck in the empty world.  I know what is wrong and I often get confused, but I can't stop. Not now.  I'm not close enough......

I'm never good enough....

It'll never be good enough...

I'm tired of being the failure everyone told me I would be. 

I deserved it.

Fuck up, Fuck down

I suppose fucking up the 1st days of ABC wasn't TOO bad.. I did lose 2.2 lbs after all.  I am also PMS-ing HARDCORE and I should be starting with in the next day or so.

Tomorrow is 300 cal and I already have plans to spread out snacks for the day, stay busy with laundry, school, and therapy, and then finish off the night hanging out with bf and his bff, and drinking a cup of coffee..

With the workout plan, I should lose again even though I went over.  I hope I don't fuck up tomorrow.  I can't start off like this.. This is boot camp, damnit!

Anyway, I hope all you lovelies are doing better than I am. I'm curious to know what's going on.

Add a link to my comments  v v down below and I'll go follow your blog. 
[IF YOUR BLOG IS INVITE ONLY... my email address is BoneisBeauty@yahoo.com.  I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU!]

Take care, and Stay Strong, beauties! <3