Do you notice me?

I feel like I'm in my apartment wasting away.
Seth is still around of course.
I couldn't let him go if I tried.
I dunno what it is anymore.
But now..

I'm losing my fucking mind.
I hallucinated.
I fucked freaked out and for my manager of my apartments involved and everyone else. I heard him in his apartment when he said he went to vegas.  I head him. I heard his phone. When the manager of the apartment complex in which I live opened his place because Seth called him,
We searched the whole fucking place and no one was there.
I still heard people after we left and told Seth I didn't believe that his wasn't in there. And he said.. you saw the place it's empty. I'm not FUCKING there!
He wasn't there. I didn't eat or sleep for two days because I didn't want to miss the moment I'd see him get out of the car and walk up stairs. If I didn't see him walk up to his door I would probably still believe to this day that he was in there.  My aunt was worried. He was worried but pissed.

I haven't been eating really and there other day I ate a sandwich, cheese and crackers, and purged all of it.
I've never purged this often.
I don't know what's going but I can't lie and say I'm not proud of myself. 
My aunt came to job right before my lunch break and made me eat a fucking burger. So today I'm doing better. Coffee. A frap to be honest and open. 
I can make these gross calories last all fucking day. 

Do you ever neglected?
Do you ever feel stuck?
Like you're talking and no one hears you.
You just get cut off.
You just stop.
Everyone tells you what they think you should do with your life and you have to listen because if you don't you'll end up with nothing. Am I the only one who never fucking grew up?
Seth is 36. Acts like a child and it's okay.
I'm 26. I act like a fucking child and it's not.
I don't get it.
I'm not ready to grow up.
I want to go back to my childhood and get back what was taken from me.
Living how I please with no one telling me what the fuck to do.
I feel stuck.
Have sex everywhere. Smoke where ever, whatever, and when ever.Sleep. clean, shower, eat when the fuck I want.
I just want my life to myself. LET GO! but I don't want to be alone. but I don't want anyone here with me. Seth is perfect cuz he lives next door. I just wish he saw in me what I saw in him.
I'm tired of selling my fat ass.
If he doesn't want me, then there's nothing I can do. His loss... I think. granted: I don't WANT to lose him.. but I think at this point.. it's either going to continue the way it's been.. or it's inevitable. Oh well.
Another person telling me what to want .. another thing I can't have..
UGH!  I just want everything to be better, and perfect. PERFECT! UGH!
I don't think it's unrealistic because my ideals are not complicated! What the fuck?

-LR

The Great Escape...

They call it the great escape because of its numbing power.
When you sit in your silence and greet all who shall pass.
You smile and you shine.
And inside your heart melts away.

Yes, we all feel pain inside.
And none of us know where to go.
And we never know what to do
When we're faced with that place between a dream and reality.

But we always wish it was a dream...
Not the dream...
But a dream...
One, where we can wake up..
Sit up..
Stand..
Go to the bathroom sink...
Splash water on our face...
Dry it off..

And go back to sleep...