Birthday Pool Party

Some stupid bitch is showing up to a friend's birthday party knowing I'm going to be there. I really hope she doesn't start shit today!

Not to mention.. I feel pretty gross today.

Ugh.. I feel disgusting.

Get a hold of yourself.

Intake so far.....Diet coke and cigarettes. I have to get through this!

Hidden in My Shell

It's almost hilarious how bad I feel like I'm torturing myself everyday.  Everyone else around thinks I'm getting better because I don't lose my temper as often. 

I feel like I've just learned how to hide it all better. I don't feel better. I feel worse. I feel like I've grown a new obsession that I will never get out of because regardless if I gain weight I will always hate myself for eating.  I ate today.  I drank a laxative.  I have work in the morning. I'm on the diet pills that gave me a bladder infection last summer. I can't stop. I won't stop.

I need to buy diuretics but I have to go to the store when I'm not with the bf because he will know.  He knows a tad but I don't htink he realizes how bad it is.  He thinks it's a cleanse... I call it compensation. 

I've been too comfortable for too long.  I've been letting myself be here for too long.  If you really want it, you'll fucking hurt for it.  And that's where my realization has taken me. 

I remember honoring my hunger pains. I remember drinking water to try and make the grumbling go away. I remember telling people I wasn't hungry then they believe me then I regret telling them cuz I was dying to eat but happy I controlled myself but I couldn't say anything cuz it was too late. 

Where is "that" girl?  I feel like I'll never be there.. I feel defeated. I never wanted to stick my fingers down my throat. I never wanted to be that girl. I just never wanted to eat.  I never wanted it to be a real problem. 

But apparently some things aren't enough and time calls for drastic measures sometimes to get what you really want!

It's called sacrifice!  I hate my body. I really hate my fucking body

My thighs are jiggly and touch and smush and smash and sweat! It's fucking disgusting! My gut rolls when I sit and jiggles when I walk! My arms are like flaps in the fucking wind when they're not covered! It's sick! It's fucking gross! I never thought I'd ever be this and now that I'm there I hate myself that much more! I'm not better! I hate myself more than ever!

I don't want to live in this skin anymore. I just want to rip it all off and feed it to all the fat fucks who told me I couldn't!

The only "right" way to do this is to refrain from it all. CONTROL!

CONTROL your fucking mouth.
CONTROL your fat fingers.
CONTROL your fat thighs.
CONTROL your fat arms.
CONTROL your nasty legs.
CONTROL your double chin.


EMBRACE your cheek bones.
EMBRACE your collar bones.
EMBRACE your wrist bones.
EMBRACE those who are there.
EMBRACE those who are better than you!

EMBRACE your CONTROL!


I can't fucking be this anymore! I can't be in this disgusting, fat, lard ass, of a body! I can't keep on going like this! I need to be there! I've needed it for my entire life!



FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT


Tomorrow:
Diet pill
Vitamin B6
Vitamin B12
Vitamin A
Diuretics

0 cal drinks
apple
melon
and coffee.

I can't take this shit anymore.

The lies and have just begun...


My anxiety has never been like this...

Bad Palette

Do any of you have that friend you want to like but hate sooo much. Like she just gives you a really bad taste in your mouth.  I guess at that point you wouldn't really call them a "friend".  There is a girl I know who was really fun to hang out with but then after a certain amount of time you listen to what she is saying and the entire time she is being extremely condescending...

There are times where I want to punch her in the mouth and tell her to shut up! she thinks the's the shit because she slept with a shit ton of men and did a bunch of drugs and is now living with her "also ex addict" boyfriend in some small ass apartment they can barely afford and claims to love life..

I find it to be a crock of shit cuz she'll be the first one to tell you how to live your life which tells me she is clueless knowing a way to live hers. UGH.  Then I see her stupid FB posts which just drives me insane! Everyone one I talk to that knows her loves her because they buy into the fake bullshit..

I dunno.. Fuck her.  Fuck all of them.  They be calling me when they see how pretty and perfect I've become!

First of my pills is already a success.. Can't wait for tomorrow's weigh in. 

Tell me what is the most you've lost in a month?(30 days)


What is the most you have ever heard of lost in a month?? (30 days)

-Your friendly fat blogger,

LR

It's not unrealistic if you shut the fuck up and do it!

Diet Pills

So that I have my diet pills again I can finally shrink to nothing.. hopefully by my birthday. These things kill the shit out of my appetite.. I plan on flushing the days I don't have work so anything I do eat will come out by the time my next weigh in comes in the am. 

Rapid, unhealthy, weighloss,.... who cares right? As long as it's gone. As long as I wither away with it. As much as others say this will not end my problems.. I'm not looking to end my problems.. I just want fat to be one less thing I need to worry about. 

Soon my life with end in perfection.  Then I will be at peace and at ease.  

Stay Strong pretties..

-You friendly fat blogger

-LR.

Are you B&P?

"Are you binging and purging?" asks my new therapist...

"No." I replied, even though it clearly stated on the paperwork that I have currently been using laxitives as compensation due to feeling overweight...

[*changes subject super fast*] 

I don't know how I get away with this.. but I do... It slipped out and I covered it up pointing out a more serious conversation and project ... negative thinking and suicidal thoughts...

If you ever wanna get outta talking about purging... change the subject... to something that sounds more severe.... haha

Today I had a peach, and 5 chocolate covered pretzels.. I drank a double dose of Milk of Magnesium this morning on an empty stomach. I feel powerful. I have to go to bed in 2 hours cuz I have work at 5 am.

-ME.

Mondays

I have always found that Mondays are definately the best days to begin yet again! I am a failure at life.


My Stats :

HW: 197
LW:115
GW: 110 [at least]


CW: fat as fuck [168.3]

I had under 1000 cals today I didn't add EVERYTHING but I estimated 850. 

I can't believe how close I got and then fucked it all up! I was 149.7 then lost my fucking job and lost my fucking mind! I gained and lost and gained and lost and now I'm back to my fat lard ass self! I can't wait to bypass all of this again!

The purging and restricting begins today! I every fucking reason to do it.  Why brake down over being fat when you can starve your way to being fucking happy for once?

I'm doing this time. I'm losing a lb a day! cuz a lb a day keeps my fat rolls away.

You have no idea how bad things have been around me. talk about triggers.

I guess I tried to do it right this time by exercising and eating "healthy" HAH! Whatever the fuck "that" means anymore!

I went to lunch with the bf and his dad and his dad mentioned something about the large amounts of food I eat...

Then later this weekend we saw his brother and his gf. His gf is the tiniest fucking thing in the god damn universe and she's even had a kid! WTF!

So instead of getting mad like normal.. I got vindictive....

I'll show them.. Eat too much? Not tiny like "Herine"? K....

Not anymore. I'm back! And this time nothing and no one will stop me!

This time I'll be 110 and then 100 and then 90 until all the gross fucked up horrible thoughts go away and I can listen to music the way I used to. I can float into an abyss and dream of what will then be "happy" and "painless".

Today's Trigger:

Flashbacks, models, Wintergirls, Music, HS memories, subtle hints of self destruction that have been hinting at me from every vision in front of me.

Welcome back ED. I've missed you! Although I hate you! Let's finish this creation.  Let's paint the fucking canvass and have a little fuck when it's all done and ready to be admired.

-LR. 

Minus 3 lbs.

I am 165.5. I guess that's good since I lost 3 or so pounds.  I'm taking my cheaper diet pills to get me through. I start my new job on Monday.  The bf is bringing home toilet paper today so I think I'm gonna flush tonight.

I have an ab sculpting Pilates video and I've been doing that too.  Today I've only had 410 cals so far.  It's 4:30 pm. So, hopefully tomorrow will show even more results.  It's amazing how awesome diet coke is!

I recycled to get more diet coke.  I can't take it. I'd rather have diet coke than gas in my car right now.. I know that sounds horrible but it's so true!

Anyway... Tell me where you guys are. I want to hit 150 by my birthday July 10..... We'll see, right?

-LR

I weighed in today. I couldn't help it! I HAD to know. .. I'm too ashamed to even tell you how much I weigh. It's gross. I woke up and did pilates. Then I had oatmeal with blue berry's and organic green tea.  I'm going to flush today with milk of magnesium.

I plan on cleaning all day to keep me distracted and when I get tempted, I'm running to 711 and buying diet coke. I'm drinking water and green tea until then and burning cals while cleaning.  I guess you can say I'm back to basics.  Dinner tonight... I'm thinking the melon I have left over from 2 days ago, water, and diet coke. 

The BF is sick so this makes temptations WAY more manageable to get back into the game. 

No more fat! I'm about to get my starve on!!!!!!!!

I'm playing "THIN" in the background for some motivation and I plan on having an hour reading sesh of "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson, cuz it's the best thinspo book I've read so far besides "Wasted"

Does anyone know anything about the Fiona Apple CD that is supposed to be coming out in July??????? Is this a rumor or is this legit??

-Fatty McFatterson [LR]

Good news, Bad news...

Last I checked I was 161.  I don't where I stand today because I've been deathly afraid of what the scale is going to say cuz I know I gained during my period. I'm on day 6 so I should be done soon.   I hope I finish tomorrow.  I can't stand these craving and this bloating.  I can tell in my wrists etc that I haven't gained A TON.. but I feel super bloated and gross.

We're out of toilet paper and my bf doesn't get paid until Sunday [the 10th] so we're super fucked.  When I get my check, I'm buying my fucking pills. I need to pay car insurance, my cell phone bill, and I need to fix the AC in my car, then get caught up on rent, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be a fucking fatty for another birthday in a row! I always fuck up around this time of the year.

I think me and the bf are going through a major depression and the apartment and everything looks like it's being effected.  Things are messy, and I'm fatter. I really just want to be there already .. hopefully by Fall Semester..

I'll weigh in at the end of the week so I can have a weekly goal, but I'll work on it by then so I don't see that I've gained.

I'm going crazy.  Trying not to care has just made me binge like mad! I think I'll cleanse tonight.. I can flush all this shit out and smoke my appetite away.  I can't stand looking at my gross face and thighs anymore. I feel very gross today.

Ew.

-Blubber Flabby Abs.

Long time no see...

I got a new job.  I went in for the interview today and I got it. Yae! I won't say where cuz I'm paranoid as shit.  I don't know how much I weigh. I haven't weighed in. School finished the week before last and now that I have this new job, I hope I will be beyond busy to stay preoccupied til I get my first paycheck to buy my pills again.  With out those diet pills I feel useless. I feel fat and gross. 

It's okay though, because it will all melt of once I'm busier than fuck.  I have my new dance video and I hope All of it will fall off with the dance moves.  My apartment doesn't have air so that should make it harder. After all those who are fat deserve to suffer right? If I would have never gained, I wouldn't have to go through this. 

In my interview I even mentioned losing weight...wtf? Sometimes I think people see right though it and can see straight to my soul and I feel so insecure when they look in my eyes cuz I feel like they'll see everything.  I thought I didn't get it at first, but I just kept playing the "wall" game where I put a wall over all my insecurities and keep playing like I'm TOTALLY FINE! 

Well, I did get it, And I will work hard to get promoted so I won't get fired, and I will work my ass off so I can stay here and be the best I can be!  Wish me luck!


I want to be the perfect soldier.... in the war against food.


-LR