Concrete Vanishing...

Ever have that feeling that you've been working on becoming something you're entire life only to find out that you want none of it anymore?

Ever been beat to hell emotionally, physically, and verbally, all at the same time in 3 hours?

Ever been so anxious and so confused that you can't eat?

Ever been so full from a salad that you pace in your hallway for 5 mins and know you won't stop until it's gone?

Ever felt like you're the only going through all of this at the same time?

Ever feel like you're screaming underwater at a BBQ and everyone is watching but no one can hear you and they all think you're playing a prank but really you're dying?

Ever want to be 100 lbs and look at a donut in front of everyone and call yourself fat so all the other people can look at you and admire you're control?

Ever run with shin splints?

Ever felt so much in one fucking night ... and then felt so fucking numb after you don't even know how you were able to be hurt in the first place?

Ever wonder when and how you're going to die?

Ever wish you could grow wings and fly away from all of it feeling weightless and disaster free?

Ever hate yourself for eating bread?

Ever count calories like dollar bills from tips?

Ever sleep in your car on Christmas wondering if some guy will just come and "get it over with"?



Have you?

Then what are you doing?

How are you fixing it?

Did you get better?

Did you want to?

Oh, you did?





There's the difference... This shit has become the norm... nothing is new anymore.. Nothing is safe anymore.... nothing is REAL anymore...

When can I wake up from my dream?

When can I leave this shit hole?

What the fuck am I here for?

7.5 billion.....

BILLION







What's one less gonna hurt.... Vacancy rates?



Anyone want a black cat? He pissed on my telescope cover....

He's dead to me.

LR

ChatRooooooooooomsss......

I found a pro ana/mia chat room......
It's like the old episodes of one of those cartoons... "Good Idea/ Bad Idea".....

I'm not sure yet..

But we are eating 70 cals a day for the rest of the week.. working out 2 hours..

So far I've had 5.... I'm cutting tuna out of my lunch...

Grapefruit only.. black coffee.. tea.. water....

Til Friday..

Scale hasn't budged for 3 days.. I need a push.. I've already got 30 minutes in..

Is there anyone out there anymore?

Just wondering if I'm speaking to blank space now days since everyone has recovered...

Not who... but what...

80
50
80
120
130
200
----------
660

Not too bad....

at least it's under 800.....

Ugh...

walked for 25 ran for 5....

still doing crunches, sit ups, squats, push ups, leg lifts, and planks tonight...

we'll see how things go in the morning...

This weigh in was pretty shitty,....

I see more loss than what is on the scale.. but that number is so important...

["I won't date a girl who ways more than me....." ]

he's 130.....

How did I end up like this? Where did my strength go?

I was so close a few years ago... I was sooooo fucking close... But that fucking bladder infection ruined everything. I ruined everything.. I ruined me..
I need this. I need this more than anything.. I never want to give up.  Someone pump me up!

I'm SO FAT! IT'S FUCKING GROSSS!!!

I hate my body. I hate my face. I hate my fucking hair....

Maybe we just learn to hate ourselves to a point where we just don't give a fuck anymore and then wake up and look fucking gross.. have a reality check and realize that we've been snoozing... no more hitting snooze... I can't afford to.

I'm mean... look at me.. what the fuck am I anymore?

No Budging...

weigh in is stuck again... I guess I have to work harder

no tuna today.
1/2 grapefruit only.
deal, fatty

Losing or Lost?

The saddest part about it all is that I'm proud of myself.

I ate 1 grapefruit
2 lattes
2 teas
and 1/2 can tuna with cayenne pepper.



No purging today....

Work tomorrow at the new place...

Kinda excited.

I like work because it keeps me busy...

Ugh... where is everyone?

Venting...

Apparently when you go to Pro Ana chat sites and vent.. they bash you to hell and call you a wanna...

I just don't want to struggle with all this shit anymore.

I found Seth with another girl on his birthday. I tried to kill myself 3 times at his apartment.. There are a lot of things I don't want to get into detail about .. but let's just say.. in the midst of it when I told him I wanted to marry him..

He said:

ARE YOU CRAZY?!? I wouldn't marry you! You're fat, lazy, and I would never be with anyone who weighed more than me.

I haven't been eating again.

I've lost 15 lbs in 7 days... I've been walking/running in the morning and I've been working out every night before bed.

I can't do this anymore. I can't be fat anymore.

I ate a salad today because he's worried...

I purged.

I purged 2 days ago.

I told my friend .. she's worried..

I don't want to worry anyone.. so I'm not telling anyone about today. Just you.

I'm a wanna...

I wanna be fucking perfect again.

I don't care anymore... I have scars to prove it.