I think I've decided to finally let him go.  I was bound by his eyes. I fell into his snake pit.  I became one of the other girls. I hope I'm not as forgettable as some.  I hope I meant more than the average notch in the bed post.  I hope I meant more...

I have to let go of the things I cannot control. I can no longer control myself against his will. I am drawn to him worse than that of the seduction of a drug.  I am lost in him. In love without words.  So many things unspoken but written and every time I see him I want to share my new found heart and admiration but I know it will make him pull away. Make him more distant because he's already gone.

He used to kiss me. All the time. He made a kissing sound in my ear and really drew towards me. The minute I opened up he withdrew.  I am torn.  More than friends yet not quite lovers.

He's taken a deep piece of me.  Forever. He's had a piece of my sister and now that the subject was finally brought to light he laughs and it's a constant reminder that he will never be mine.  He used to send her pictures. He never sent me a picture.  I am not his match. He's reminded so elegantly. He speaks with me. He is intrigued by my mind sometimes but I know that it's only temporary. 

"I've never felt so loved."
"No one has ever showed me love like that before."
"That was definitely as first."

It's only sex. A seductive dream that every girl who has ever made mistake wishes she could keep in the palm of her hand.

"Can I keep you?"

He'll be there when you fall. He'll be there to make you smile.. but not anymore.  I've caved. I'm predictable. The most insulting image has become of me in the eyes of the one I've loved most in my life.  I have never felt so torn.  I have never been so broken.  I have never felt so alone.

He was sensitive. He was sweet. Now he just fucks me.  He talks to me like one of his whores.  I'm not.
So last night I slept alone. In my own bed. I slept alone. I'll weep alone. I've wept alone. 

Like the first one, he casts out all of the light that surrounds me.  The negative light of the outsiders. Us against the world. We became one for a moment. He protected from the life that corrupts us.

If I could add all my previous lovers, he would be everyone. All the good. But with all the good, this one by far stings the most.  I have never felt so alone. So withdrawn.  I've never felt so cold.

Can you fix me? He fixed me.  It was all for show. It was all for fun. It was all so that two lonely free birds no longer felt lonely and while one wants to stay free with the other, the other wants to remain free from all.

I am no longer a special gem but a used syringe decaying in the epitome of a lost heart.

tired

I'm so tired of people taking me granted. I'm so tired of people not seeing what they have before them. I'm so sick of giving my all to everyone and no one realizing everything that I'm doing. I'm tired of them just getting used to it because I give and give and give so much. I'm so sick of pleasing people. I'm hate that I'm the kind of person who is happy making other people happy.  I give so much of myself to see people smile or to satisfy one's needs or wants but all in all in the end I'm the one who ends up unhappy.. because the things I do don't make them happy anymore. The happy feel they had turns into expectations when all the things I did we pluses and additions to what I SHOULD be doing.  I'm so tired of everyone around me. I need to go away for a while. I need to move away and let go of everything and everyone. If I knew that the person really appreciated me and was always genuinely happy and appreciative of all the things I did and do for them, I don't think I could ever be unhappy.  If at least ONE fucking person wouldn't turn these "favors" into expectations I would think I was fulfilled in life.. I have YET to meet someone like that..

Otherwise.. I'm just considered a EASY pushover who is easy to take advantage of.

I am the kind of person who will bend over backwards and forwards for the one's I love and care about and I don't mind doing one bit. I give everyone I care about my all and all I expect in return is appreciation that doesn't turn into expectation.

My family... gone.. been gone.. friends.. pfftt.. I barely have any anymore. 

Then there are men..

I guess I'm just too easy.  My heart is an open wound waiting for more masses of men to pour salt on..

I guess I'm just too easy.  My heart is a fool and my brain is fool for allowing my heart to take it over.  When will I ever learn? I don't think I ever will. Which is why i need to get away .. move on.. move forward.. move away. 

Well, if you wanted to push me away.. you sure as fuck did it!

I'm not one of your trashy friends you can just fuck and hear them tell you how amazing you are. 

I'm a god damn human who accidentally fell in love with you. 

My fucking bad..

I guarantee it WILL NOT happen again.

I'm done with people. I fucking hate people.

I need to alone for a while. And I really mean a fucking WHILE!  I'm over this shit! So done.....


I'm moving away. I'm not telling anyone where. I'm not telling anyone with who.. I'm changing my name, email, facebook, phone number, car and residence.. and maybe even my profession ... so I can stay the hell away from the society I've gotten to know a little too well. I'm over this bullshit attachment shit! Abandonment issues my ass.... Wanna see abandonment? I'm abandoning society..

I've never been so fucking serious about anything in my entire fucking life..

Farewell public.  Hello me! I've missed you. 

-LR.

Done, Dead, Dust

Happy mother fucking Cinco de Mayo.

I think I’m finally beginning to hate this month.  I hate Spring because every year it’s a god damned reminder of the worst time of my life. 
Yesterday I heard that fucking Filter song that usually sends me into a whirlpool of fuck you’s .
Last night "Mr. Awesome" said he was a hopeless romantic. I laughed and said yeah right.  A hopeless romantic who doesn’t commit! I’m sure…
He said yeah! I love romance. 

He won't commit.  He just won't and I can't sit hear another day thinking I keep hearing people over there when he's not even home half of the time. I'm losing my fucking mind over a fucking penis.  I just hate that he takes away all of my darkest shadows when he's around and he always does too.  I can't be that for him.  I don't think anyone can.  This is what I get for opening my fucking legs again. This is what I get for giving in! I should have fucking said no!