A Stepping Stone...

I've never broken the "girl rule".  I've had it done to me numerous amounts of time... But never have I done it.. Well... I suppose there is a first time for everything.  Except I did it to my favorite and beloved sister.  I never really wanted anything more than a father [a real one] and a sister.  I finally got super close to her and I've never had a bond like this with any other family member in my whole fucking life.. and well...

I broke the girl rule.  The most fucked up thing.. is that I think my best friend told her.. But I dunno.  I think he thought that she wouldn't care.. because he didn't know how she really felt because she's always joking around... well.. I dunno.  It was weird. 

She texts the "person"... "So, when are you gonna make a move on LR?"

Of course he freaked out because he thought I broke the "pinky promise" .  Well, fuck.. I didn't.. We still hooked up once I told him I didn't freakin tell her anything... And then now.. for the last couple days... he's been completely avoiding me... Lol..


Go figure...

I'm always that girl who calls out your flaws, screams them out, shows you that I know them, and then I accept them.  In time, I make you feel good about them, and then soon enough you embrace them.  Then you gain a whole confidence in yourself while I sit here left in the dust as you take off to the next.

I've always been a stepping stone. 

I don't want to love anyone.  I don't want romance anymore.  I just want to be alone in my little home with my black surroundings, making art, being weird, and hiding.. Fuck people..

Anytime I make a connection... I am always left alone.. Well... I don't give a fuck anymore. That's what my crazy, psycho cat is for.  That's what art is for.  Besides... who really needs people?  I  mean.. temporarily, yeah... but really...

Humans are humans and they always fuck up.. So it's best to just become a hermit and stay away from the gold.  


Expect nothing and you will never be hurt.  Be around nothing and you'll never have to worry about your high expectations from people.

I'm starting to care less and less. When "The Artist" comes back for a moment we can continue our obsessions and create "art" momentarily til he goes back to his domain and keeps to himself as well; sharing images of false realities over email. 

Hopeless.

Hopeless Romantic.

Sleepless.

Sleepless Romantic.

Idealist.

-LR

Keep Running up that Hill...

You just keep running and running... or eating and eating.. or fucking and fucking. He doesn't give a fuck about you.. Are you kidding.. He's only fucking you.  He likes the vibrant personality in her. The innocence.  The sensitivity. The naive personality that one will ruin in the future.. but he can enjoy that for the time being.  Why would he want you?  You... Haha you were easy.  You were simple. You were no challenge.  She was drunk. You weren't. Sure it took him this long... but when he did... you were easy.. It's an exploration. That's what he sees in you. expanding his experience to pleasure someone like her so they can live happily together.. They're just using you. 

I've lost over 12 lbs. I'm back in the 150's again.  My fucking scale is broken and last I checked I was 158 but I'm smaller than I was that day. I'm popping pills like no one's business and smoking like a god damn chimney.   I still haven't made it to therapy. Not since August. I don't want to go. I'm thinner.I'll go back when I lose all my fucking weight and after my senior project show.  And when she asks that fucking question... "Are you eating? Are you restricting? Are you binging and purging?"  ....

Lol. Maybe I'll laugh. Who cares what the fuck I'm doing.  I'm beginning to embrace my flaws.  I have so many.. I might as well stop pretending like everything is going to get better and make them get better just where they are.  I might as well fucking embrace the broken stained porcelain because there is no glue in the world that can clean it and make it new again.. When porcelain brakes, there are chips that fall and no one can find them and place them back perfectly because they are delicate flakes which fade away with the simplest amount of pressure.  There is nothing out there that will make me new a again. I am ruined so embrace it! Display it. Use it. Move it. Make it into art!  Turn it into what you find "beautiful".  It's fucking gross and you know it... but when you put it in a clear acrylic box and throw a bright light above it at an angle, all of a sudden it's worthy of being displayed in the finest of galleries and soon it will be recognized as a beautiful piece of our history. 


but it'll be dead.  Just a broken piece of molded powder....

...dust...

-LR