I looked in the mirror at my ass in leggings and didn't even recognize my own ass. I've lost a shit ton but keep refusing to weigh myself because the scale is a fucking bitch.
I never last long with any promise I keep to myself but with everyone else I manage to keep them...
I don't understand why I continue to fuck myself up.
If it's not physically then it happens mentally and it fucking happens a lot.
I don't even speak about it anymore because apparently according to Seth I'm emotional and sensitive. So why share anymore.
I don't understand. I used to be complete numb to the idea of tears and love and romance..
And now I find myself glamourizing the idea of being a wife and having children.
I don't know if it's me growing up or if it's the fact that I'm fucking single and lonely.
Did you know...
You can sleep with a man every night for years and even if it's the same one for 3 years and another for 7 months, it can still result in loneliness. Who fucking knew?
Your whole life as a little girl you wonder what it's like to love someone and hold them while you sleep, but then you do it and you do it for a long fucking time and BAM! what do you know?? You're still fucking lonely. Because it's not the figure or the company that's going to make you less lonely. It's fucking you. You and your fucked up brain just have a way of taking a fucking detour around every moment you use to make yourself happy and it finds a way to make you feel fucking miserable again. Bored. Annoyed. Tired. Fatigued. Lazy. Lonely. Lost.
Like you take a deep sigh and look at everything around you in disgust. So you start throwing shit away. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
in the fucking trash.....
Everything.
Every single fucking thing.
Food.
Furniture.
Clothes.
Shoes.
EVERYTHING!
People.
You forget people. You forget yourself and you forget what makes you happy.
I'm bored
Go do something.
What the fuck do I like to do.... says me pathetically as though someone else is going to know the fucking answer!
You piece of shit go figure it out.
You have a sex life. You sleep with a man every night. You have a few friends [good ones who care] around you. You have your aunt around the fucking corner. You have money. You have a car. You have shoes. A new fucking purse. Your hair is growing out. You studied. You have everything you said you needed to be happy and yet.. what are you doing?
Blogging about how you have fucking everything you thought you needed and you're still fucking miserable you piece of fucking shit!
Ungrateful shit!
Ugh....
Why do I do this?
Routine.
Starbucks.
Again.
Smokes.
Coffee.
Scarves. [finally]
Out.
And alone........
-LR.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Can you take the heat?
Can I take it now that I know the answer?
Haha no..
Now just time to wait for second best in hopes of a better ending...
Oh fucking well..
Wall's back up. I'm closed off.
No love for me
Fuck Romance.
-Lr.
Haha no..
Now just time to wait for second best in hopes of a better ending...
Oh fucking well..
Wall's back up. I'm closed off.
No love for me
Fuck Romance.
-Lr.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Yuletide Endings...
Seth is gone. Still a friend but not a lover.
I asked him.
I'm too emotional and sensitive.
There you have it.
He wants his promiscuity and I want love.
Great friend.. I'm just not for him.
Oh well.. sometimes the pieces just don't fit ya know..
I asked him.
I'm too emotional and sensitive.
There you have it.
He wants his promiscuity and I want love.
Great friend.. I'm just not for him.
Oh well.. sometimes the pieces just don't fit ya know..
Friday, September 13, 2013
Solemnade...
Is it right to want to disown people you love for your own happiness?
I mean.. is it right to want to detach from your own relatives because of jealousy or because of the fact that you can't continue to look at them without hating yourself?
I'm having a huge dilemma.
And I finally want to be selfish because I feel that my final chance at happiness may be threatened by the relationship I've always wanted to have.
A conflicting battle between love and love.
It's really scary to see all that you would sacrifice...
But when the chances of achieving what you want are as scarce as this.. it's like killing your family dog for food in a time of famine..
But obviously not as extreme.
Time will tell...
-LR
I mean.. is it right to want to detach from your own relatives because of jealousy or because of the fact that you can't continue to look at them without hating yourself?
I'm having a huge dilemma.
And I finally want to be selfish because I feel that my final chance at happiness may be threatened by the relationship I've always wanted to have.
A conflicting battle between love and love.
It's really scary to see all that you would sacrifice...
But when the chances of achieving what you want are as scarce as this.. it's like killing your family dog for food in a time of famine..
But obviously not as extreme.
Time will tell...
-LR
Possession Progression...
Supposedly...
When a man randomly begins to hold you in your sleep or lay on top of you or throw his leg on you, it's his inner possessiveness showing. He doesn't want you to go.
Dominance.
It's a very sexy thing.
I suppose that's what's been going on.
I'm not saying it's happening.. but I hope it's happening.
I'm waiting out for this one.
Many of times I don't feel that it's worth it.
But then there are those moments..
And he's there.
Waiting..
Wondering why I haven't texted.
Cuz he wants me there just as much as I want to be there.
I just need to remember that when my skull is about to explode.
-LR.
When a man randomly begins to hold you in your sleep or lay on top of you or throw his leg on you, it's his inner possessiveness showing. He doesn't want you to go.
Dominance.
It's a very sexy thing.
I suppose that's what's been going on.
I'm not saying it's happening.. but I hope it's happening.
I'm waiting out for this one.
Many of times I don't feel that it's worth it.
But then there are those moments..
And he's there.
Waiting..
Wondering why I haven't texted.
Cuz he wants me there just as much as I want to be there.
I just need to remember that when my skull is about to explode.
-LR.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Initializing the Internal...
For what seems like for good.
I feel like I'm no longer able to speak about the problems which bother me.
There is no pin point. I'm just a sad girl who lives in a sad little apartment.
There's no room for me next door. There no room for me anywhere.
Such an inconvenience. Such a fuck up.
It's the simple things that really begin to add up.
Like breaking glasses, spilling water, burning food, and forgetting to call back.
It's all these really stupid little things that constantly pound in my fucking brain and don't let me sleep.
And when you release the poison into the air, it becomes everyone else's poison and they become sick. It's not fair to them so why should I say anything?
Especially, when everyone is constantly surrounded by their own problems, why should I burden them with what seem like mediocre bull shit.
It seems like through out my entire life I've always felt like people were very dear to me and very special but yet I never, ever felt like the special one.
Never the keeper.
Just always the step in between.
Glad I could help you see what you needed to in order to help you find what makes you happy.
Glad I could be your fucking stepping stone and your escape. Glad I could please you.
I'm sorry you could be more than just a phase.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the one you saw like I saw you.
Why should I even be sorry anymore.
That's why I'm here I supposed. For people to use. A human fucking garbage can no different from your average whore on some corner.
Tell me your problems-I'll listen.
Tell me your issues-I'll turn them into practical uses.
Tell me your insecurities-I'll make them into your most attractive attributes.
I feel so used.
So glad I could be your fucking band aid.
While I bleed and wait for the bandage and doctors to come I'm constantly being ripped of my skin to heal the wounds of those who meaningfully enter my life.
Glad I could help.
No, really, I am.
Too bad you're gone.
I never too calculus.. despite the fact that I'm good at math, I never went that far, however,
I know limitations
Limitations
Illuminations
Delusions
Absoultion
Destruction
It's time to let go.
"The time had come!" the walrus said. - Alice in Wonderland, Disney
I've always had old hands and when I got older so did they.
Now that the fat is finally disappearing I can see them again and they look much worse than they did as a child. No man wants a woman with old, worked hands.
No man wants a hard woman.
No man wants a fast woman.
Easy.
But Hard.
An oxymoron to it's finest degree.
The Real Juliette, ladies and gentlemen.
Everyone around me is a couple with the exception of the one I've been mouth fucking/fucking for the last 6, going on 7 months.. technically a year.. and he's never had a girlfriend nor will he probably ever have one.
Well, there's always my luck...
Maybe I fixed him. I mean, that's how it usually works anyway. There will be one or two more and then BAM!!!!!!
Here comes the wedding bells. Match maker with no match.. story of my fucking life. How many more people do I need to fix before I'm fixed? I've been single for over a year.
Holding out for what??
I don't even know anymore.
A distant memory of what I thought was love only to have found out that this is not love making.. it's fucking.
It's just sex.
Oh, to be held again.. To be kissed. GOD, to be fucking kissed. That initial hesitation and then that final grasp for air when you take the most passionate touchings into account. That moment of liberation.
So easily faded into the darkness of the lustful bedroom.
I guess some of us were meant to be alone. For good...
-LR.
I feel like I'm no longer able to speak about the problems which bother me.
There is no pin point. I'm just a sad girl who lives in a sad little apartment.
There's no room for me next door. There no room for me anywhere.
Such an inconvenience. Such a fuck up.
It's the simple things that really begin to add up.
Like breaking glasses, spilling water, burning food, and forgetting to call back.
It's all these really stupid little things that constantly pound in my fucking brain and don't let me sleep.
And when you release the poison into the air, it becomes everyone else's poison and they become sick. It's not fair to them so why should I say anything?
Especially, when everyone is constantly surrounded by their own problems, why should I burden them with what seem like mediocre bull shit.
It seems like through out my entire life I've always felt like people were very dear to me and very special but yet I never, ever felt like the special one.
Never the keeper.
Just always the step in between.
Glad I could help you see what you needed to in order to help you find what makes you happy.
Glad I could be your fucking stepping stone and your escape. Glad I could please you.
I'm sorry you could be more than just a phase.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the one you saw like I saw you.
Why should I even be sorry anymore.
That's why I'm here I supposed. For people to use. A human fucking garbage can no different from your average whore on some corner.
Tell me your problems-I'll listen.
Tell me your issues-I'll turn them into practical uses.
Tell me your insecurities-I'll make them into your most attractive attributes.
I feel so used.
So glad I could be your fucking band aid.
While I bleed and wait for the bandage and doctors to come I'm constantly being ripped of my skin to heal the wounds of those who meaningfully enter my life.
Glad I could help.
No, really, I am.
Too bad you're gone.
I never too calculus.. despite the fact that I'm good at math, I never went that far, however,
I know limitations
Limitations
Illuminations
Delusions
Absoultion
Destruction
It's time to let go.
"The time had come!" the walrus said. - Alice in Wonderland, Disney
I've always had old hands and when I got older so did they.
Now that the fat is finally disappearing I can see them again and they look much worse than they did as a child. No man wants a woman with old, worked hands.
No man wants a hard woman.
No man wants a fast woman.
Easy.
But Hard.
An oxymoron to it's finest degree.
The Real Juliette, ladies and gentlemen.
Everyone around me is a couple with the exception of the one I've been mouth fucking/fucking for the last 6, going on 7 months.. technically a year.. and he's never had a girlfriend nor will he probably ever have one.
Well, there's always my luck...
Maybe I fixed him. I mean, that's how it usually works anyway. There will be one or two more and then BAM!!!!!!
Here comes the wedding bells. Match maker with no match.. story of my fucking life. How many more people do I need to fix before I'm fixed? I've been single for over a year.
Holding out for what??
I don't even know anymore.
A distant memory of what I thought was love only to have found out that this is not love making.. it's fucking.
It's just sex.
Oh, to be held again.. To be kissed. GOD, to be fucking kissed. That initial hesitation and then that final grasp for air when you take the most passionate touchings into account. That moment of liberation.
So easily faded into the darkness of the lustful bedroom.
I guess some of us were meant to be alone. For good...
-LR.
I'll Fight a Fight with Lonelieness...
Til the depths of my wrath begin to fade I'll fight the fight with loneliness until the darkness fades.
Until the light shine through my sheers I'll fight the fight with lonely tears.
When the sun resonates so bright the loneliness will lose the fight.
My back will arch, my head will rise, for this is when the loneliness dies.
Finished reaping what I've sewn, this time will come, and I'll have known
All the greatness that resides within me.
Until the light shine through my sheers I'll fight the fight with lonely tears.
When the sun resonates so bright the loneliness will lose the fight.
My back will arch, my head will rise, for this is when the loneliness dies.
Finished reaping what I've sewn, this time will come, and I'll have known
All the greatness that resides within me.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Nothing and No One...
I've also come to find out that no one needs you in your most solemn part of life and you're supposed to not need anyone.
You are expected to care for yourself fully and just deal with the hardships that come with being alone.
You are expected to cope with the constant watch over yourself with the high expectation of a good inner voice.
Introversion vs. Introspection.
It's bizarre to me that people still expect the average 18 year old to be able to fend for themselves even following a major economic crisis which has forced people to combine families with other families.
How can we love the place we live if the costs of living are so high and high demand for the metropolitan area? How can they show successful youth when in reality we are dying to just have food in our fridge.
And you can just say fuck you to the technological portion. If you don't have the money to stay with times you might as well go fuck yourself. Even in our institutions we are expected to stay with the technological times. Evolution is no longer a debate between the scientific evidence and the divine but now an argument over biology versus evolution.
You are expected to care for yourself fully and just deal with the hardships that come with being alone.
You are expected to cope with the constant watch over yourself with the high expectation of a good inner voice.
Introversion vs. Introspection.
It's bizarre to me that people still expect the average 18 year old to be able to fend for themselves even following a major economic crisis which has forced people to combine families with other families.
How can we love the place we live if the costs of living are so high and high demand for the metropolitan area? How can they show successful youth when in reality we are dying to just have food in our fridge.
And you can just say fuck you to the technological portion. If you don't have the money to stay with times you might as well go fuck yourself. Even in our institutions we are expected to stay with the technological times. Evolution is no longer a debate between the scientific evidence and the divine but now an argument over biology versus evolution.
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