Not Titled...

You're beautiful. So beautiful. She's happy.  She lives on that side.

I guess I've woken up.  I can breathe again.

Where are you? I'm alone. Now my hands are cold I'm not safe anymore.

So, I picked up the phone...

And I'm happy I did.

Nov. 21 - Begin a new; again?

I'm so excited for this week because I'm finally going back to the gym. I think in 2 weeks I'm going to start the master cleanse again. We'll see. Lemons are more expensive than one would think.  If there is a cheaper way to REAL lemon juice let me know. 

Lately, I've been curious to see what people eat everyday. I'm not sure why.. I'm just super curious. I like hearing what people eat. It either makes me happy that I was stronger than those who ate more, or it makes me sad that could not be as strong.   I dunno, I guess sharing what we eat everyday will keep up in line for the following day if we fuck up... right?

Anyway, the only way I'm going to get passed 151 is to boost my metabolism by exercising again. fasting has stopped my metabolism and diet pills are the only thing pushing everything out or back, so it's time to mend it back in. 

Does anyone else find isolation comforting? I've been enjoying it a lot.  I have my bf which has been absolutely insanely amazing, but not being around other people to distract you, has been quite fun.  Lonely, but at least I can fantasize and obesess with thinspo without someone judging me right over my shoulder.  I feel like it's a secret again.. I want it to always be a secret.  I never want to talk to anyone about it. My bf is tired of hearing the word "calories" anyway. 

But not you.... you all understand. 

I hope more readers will come... I miss all my dedicated followers! And I appreciate all comments left so far.

What did you eat today? or send me a link to your blog.

-LR



This is my nastiness:

5'6"
151 lbs

I got back into a size 7. I'm wearing them today.

Nov. 8. 2011 - Rinse, Repeat

I'm back down to 151! 151.7 to be exact. I hit 151.2 at the lowest, but really fucked up over summer.

I'm going to try and liquid fast for the rest of the week. Why not? I'm busy anyway!

Well, Stay Strong, Lovelies.

-LR

Nov. 7 2011 - Reflection

After Halloween I got back down to 152. I've been doing well, not eating more that 1000 cals in a day.  My metabolism stopped for a little while, but shoving food in my mouth made it boost considering I was only drink caramel macchiattos in the morning with a biscotti and a caramel macchiato at night as well.  I'm wearing a skirt today that I haven't worn since the summer prior to my senior year of high school.

Let's just say last time I wore this skirt I was 17 and had only had sex with one person at the time.

A lot has changed since then.. not saying I'm a whore or anything, but a lot has. 

I'm not really sure why, but I've had about 3 flashbacks in the last month and I'm wondering why I'm being triggered so easy.

I got in contact with someone from my past and this person said something to me that made me question everything around me.

I've thought about purging again.  I miss it.  I felt so accomplished when I was purging. The only bad part was my cousin was following my blog at the time and told my family and now everyone questions how I'm losing weight cuz they just can't believe that I may be doing things right for once. 

I read my old diaries recently as a result of all the flashbacks and cutting.... I found some really disturbing entres that made me relive the scenerio as I kept reading.  It was sad. 

I'm not sure how to talk about all this in therapy. My therapists seems to side with the boytoy when he found out I went snooping. I had right damnit! I found shit he was hiding and I found it because I KNEW he was hiding it! There is no way he could have hid that from me. It was bound to come out eventually and I didn't feel like waiting so I went looking.   And I found what I was looking for. I just wonder if he knows I found it yet.   Anyway.. enough with this bullshit. 

I need to learn how to take my measurements so you can know my true stats. In case you all don't know...

My Highest weight: 197
My Starting weight: 187 [Jan 2010]
My Current weight: 152
My Lowest weight: 115
My Goal weight: 115
My ultimate goal weight: 110


I have 40 lbs to go to hit my first goal. I've been up and down repeatedly.... but it wasn't til recently I decided fasting was the only way to really get what I want.

I need to gain control of my life. Things have been way too far out of hand to keep going on like this.  Once I get a better grip on things, life will finally shine rainbows again. 

Hopefully...

and if not, at least I'll be skinny and I'll at least have that!

Obviously, the fat one's me...

-LR