Sunday, June 30, 2013

Three's a Charm...

Numb me
Hurt me
Pull my hair


Or something like that.. I'd like to think those are the lyrics anyway. 

My fridge is broken.. all my food is bad. I'm broke. I fucking hate life.  Seth... well I annoy him. I know I do. I don't care what he says. I know I do. He's just being polite.  I'm so fucking dead. I wanna give up.

On everything.
Throw in the towel.
Cut the cord.
Pull the plug.
Light the wick.
I'm over all of this. My feels like it'll never end and I feel like I'm doomed for a tragic ending.

So before the universe gets it's chuckle of the decade, I feel like I should beat them to it.

Roll in the guillotine
Off with her head.

Roll once
Roll twice..

I'm too tired for a third.

Number 1
Number 11
Number 33
Number 6
We are all chaotic forms of nothingness..

I acknowledge my lack of existence and choose to push further in that direction.

So over this shit.. 

There's no such thing as free rent...

I live in LA.
It's hot as fuck here.
I went to get a drink last night from the fridge.
Everything was as warm as it was when I put it in there two fucking days ago. I close the door hard and go to bed hoping I closed off any seals that could have been preventing it from working..

I wake up this morning.. All my food is thawed out and all the drinks in the fridge are the same temperature if not warmer than they were last night....
WTF!!!!!

I'm gonna go fucking crazy! I can't be left alone like this for this long. Seth had a friend over last night but still called to talk after I texted him all the bullshit that was going on in my head after I smoked.

I know he gets annoyed with it though. 

Then I wake up and my fridge isn't working? UGH

I have work in an hour and a half.  I have no money.. so I can afford to replace any of it.. and It's 104 outside and I can't even have a cold beverage.

I wanna jump off a fucking bridge. I'm so sick of everything just crumbling beneathe my feet.

I hate that I'm not worthy of being happy in my little fucked up world.  What's it gonna be today, Lisa?

"A cannon to the gut, ya dumb shit."

I had a dream about Seth last night. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately.  He snuck over my house.  This is the second dream I had of him sneaking in.  Can you say "FLASHBACKS!!!!"

from the first boyfriend.. We'll call him "Jebb"

I'm broken.
Challenged.
Guarded

FUCKING ANNOYED. My reflection, my direction, my notations, my life, my strife, my woes and miseries and traumas.. I HATE ALL OF IT!

Thank god, Titan doesnt live here anymore because what would have normally been interrupted by loud opening of doors or bitching that I'm spending enough attention on him or cleaning.. is no longer an issue. I can reach the peak of my ED and I can blog non stop all about it!

I can't be held back by all this bullshit!

Maybe this is why I'm so focused on losing weight.
No GMO foods, I boycotted them already.. everything I eat is mainly organic or from Trader Joes.
And I have been working out.
No more diet pills since they like to kill me but I may take occasional water pills for the water logging.  I just wanna be pure and clean and right.

Oh and THIN duh!

I can't believe my fucking fridge isn't working! I'm fucking pissed.


I'll never allow anyone in again. And I keep getting lonelier the longer I think about it.  UGH! I hate this. Everything is getting fucked up! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT??????????????????

I hate my fucking life.
I really fucking do!
I hate all of it.
I wanna fade away.
Into an oblivion.
and be gone.


Fuck today.

-Lisa Rowe

50th Post!!

Although I am VERY excited about the fact that I have finally made [and passed] my 50th post.. I am also VERY disappointed in the fact that I have not made much progress since Day One.  I thought I would have had more improvement since then.. It's been over a year.. and my life has come to .....

"This."



Seth, Me, Life, Update, Your Comments...

A little update on My Life, and so on...

Titan has a new gf. That's fine. I'm seriously happy for him and I've been over him for a while.  I tried to stay friends with him but the new gf is a jealous bitch... so no friend there..

Seth has still been a doll but every time I open up to him I feel like he pushes away further.  I'll say more about that in the LIFE update.  He is no asshole..despite how I may have made him sound.. [that doesn't seem grammatically correct...]Anyway, He cares...

Your Comments!

I read every single one of them and I more than appreciate your feed back and opinions. I take some with me and other I still read but may dismiss for a while. Doesn't matter.... It's just really nice to know that there are more people out there in the world who care.  I don't have much of a family and all my friends have vanished.. This has absolutely been the most lonely year of my life.  Even if I don't know you or see you, I care about you and it feels wonderful to know you all care enough about me to write a comment. Thank you!

Life....

Well... I'm still broker than a joke. I live in my own one bedroom apartment with a black mean as fuck cat.  My apartments have no A/C except for what's in the bedroom, nor a heater.. The windows are old cranking window panes made in the 50's or 60's so anything I DO have escapes from between the window panes.  I have super loud neighbors, gross carpets, and paper thin floors and walls.  I work part time at a local market and by part time I meant partially ANY time [10-15 hours a week at minimum wage]  and my bills are way more than I can even imagine to afford.  My dad pays my rent while I finish my last semester [hopefully] at school... Before some of you say," Must be nice..." keep in mind, I didn't meet my father til I was 18 and he is a drunk with 5 kids from 4 moms, two of which have children of their own, and he has never done anything for me, gets drunk, apologizes for that and then asks how he can make it up... Hence........ RENT! And yes... it could be worse.... and yes I DO feel lucky to have that cuz otherwise I'd be FUCKED! Like SUPER FUCKED.  And I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to live like that... People don't deserve a shittier lifestyle.  Anyway... I have three untreated mental disorders, and have at least a year before anything particularly changes drastically. 

My best friend has moved across the country.  My other close friend is super with his dying grandmother, his mom, his job, school, and new found social life.  My other group of friends from the local coffee shop, are too depressing and unwilling to change, my ex-coworker friend is too outta control for me, nor can I 100% trust him.  My family lives about 2-3 hours away, and my aunt is around the corner but living her broke yet happy lifestyle.  My sister who we'll name "Racky" lifes across 6 hours over ocean by plan and my dad and other family live about 3.5-5 hours away.  I am practically ALONE! I AM alone. 

Seth is my friend/neighbor who once fucked Racky, and we are not in a relationship but I sleep at his apartment every night with the exception when he has his friends over. I am in love with him. He cares about me, knows the surface of how I feel, doesn't understand me, but does care about me and has somewhat been contributing to "Let's Help Lisa Rowe Survive" fund.  He doesn't want to commit.  He is not considered Poly because he doesn't want rule with anyone. He claims to "Role Solo" but has never had someone spend the night as frequently as I have been nor has he had anything like me in his life. He has never had a girlfriend with the exception of 8th grade, but was heartbroken and no longer seeks rejection nor does he want to be responsible for emotions. 

What ever....

Call it what you will... He makes me happy at times.  Everything has bumps in it because I am the one who puts them there.  I am EXTREMELY insecure and EXTREMELY fearful of commitment. 

I saw a tarot card reader and she told me I need to let my pride down and allow him to help me and that I need to be more patient with people, and I need to hold on to things longer before throwing in the towel.  I have to allow myself to be hurt in order to grow.  She said I need to stop pressuring him with my feelings because it'll be too much for him and he will pull away.  I agreed. He has been...

Ugh.. He has a friend over there tonight [ which means I have to sleep in my bed alone[cuz he never comes over]] So, I'm home in my room, faded, and bored and ALWAYS horny...

I feel too manly to make the first move and yet I feel like he likes it when I make the first move but because of my insecurities, I see MAN BEAST MAKING FIRST MOVE!

UGh! I hate that I'm so insecure. I'm fucking gross.  I did my Jillian Michaels workout today and tried to be strong with my food intake, but then gave in.  I was good the last two days before that.  But Now I've been sucking.. TODAY!

Anyway.. I'm lonely as fuck and my birthday is coming up next Wednesday.. I'll be 26... I feel old, fat, ugly, broke and alone.  I really hate my life.. I feel helpless.. Miserable.. unfixable. I feel damaged. Like... permanently.. But I wanna be saved.

Like that song by Fiona Apple,

"How can I ask anyone to love me, when all I do is begged to left alone?"


I feel so complicated and unworthy of love.. It's not that I feel sorry for myself... I'm mad at myself.. Irritated. Disappointed.. and I feel like I can't and don't know how to fix it.   Which is why I isolate too.. because I know no one wants to be around it or hear it so I write now.. Here and in a notebook.

Where's my prince charming? Where is the man who will clean me and make me pretty? Where is the unconditional love I still need to experience? Will I always be alone?  Why am I so guarded? Where is the man with the keys to all the locks? I hope I find him one day....

I don't want to die alone. the thought of it makes me so sad. 


-LR.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Pfftt...

Who needs friends and food when you have lemonade and Jillian Michaels? 

Friday, June 28, 2013

I live in a lonely world and cannot see past its thick borders.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I'm broken

Always. And forever. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

What Happened?

What has happened to my life??

I'll be 26 years old this Summer.
I'm "over weight".  [In my eyes, anyway.]
I'm single. [For the most part, anyway.]
I'm childless. [By choice]
I'm degreeless. [Not by choice]
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I have barely any friends.

I read my diary when I was in high school and I thought I'd be married and have 3 kids by now.

I feel so worthless. I feel gross. I've never been proposed to.  I've never been with anyone who would have wanted to marry me. 

I fell in love with my neighbor. Who has also fucked my sister.  He has been the greatest friend I have ever had.  Here's the story...

First of all:  I'd like to take a moment to say this is pretty ballsy of me to post this on a blog on the internet despite how anonymous this may be. 

Once upon a time.. Lisa Rowe met a boy who we'll call Titan.  He soon became my boyfriend and we moved out.  During the time of our residency together, there was a beautiful "young" bachelor who moved next door who we'll name "Seth". 

Seth and I became friends instantly.  He was very genuine and real and giving.  He would occassionally make us food and always inquired about our lives.  Titan and I went to a concert to see his favorite band.  Soon after [ a few days or so] Seth found cheap tickets online for my favorite band and we decided to all go. 

Seth brought a guy friend while Titan and I went together.  During the concert, I got so happy I cried and when I turned around to share it with Titan.. I saw him sitting and sulking on the grass about 20 feet away from me with his head in his knees and when I asked what was wrong he said he had a head ache.  I looked back only to find Seth up on the rails singing all the words cheering in the crowd..

It was that moment I realized how much more fun it would have been to come with him.  I realized then... that I was no longer "in love" with Titan.. but totally falling for Seth but knew there was no way I could let go.

--or so I thought....

In 2012 I got fired from my job.  I had been working there for quite some time and was absolutely devastated being the perfectionist I tend to be. 

I cried almost every night for months because not only was it a loss of money, but I was also in school and I was thrown under the bus by a good friend [or good friend].  At some point [soon] Titan was sick of my bitching and began to tell me shit like,"  I don't want to hear about your fucking job.  Just get over it already."

So I'd stay up all night after he went to sleep cuz he had to get up early and since we didn't smoke inside, I'd go outside for a cigarette at 3-5am and cry alone silently.  One night soon after I was fired and Titan was fed up,  Seth came outside and stayed out there with me.  He genuinely cared if I was okay and gave me hug and even gave me tips to sue the manager and told me things to make sure I smiled and to make sure I was okay. 

He cared.

Summer came and all I wanted for my birthday was to go to the beach... Titan never took me.  SO I went to Hollywood a few days after my birthday.. had my party .. and the next morning I "talked to him" and we broke up. 

During the break up.. Seth was there for me.

After the break up.  My sister came to visit. Me and Titan got back together for like a week and then broke up.  While my sister was here I thought it would be genius to hook her single ass up with Seth.. Cuz there was no way I could have him since he was also friend with Titan.. [He was our neighbor].  My sister slept with Seth.. I walked in on them making out.

Soon my sister moved to Hawaii and fucked a bunch of dudes and got over Seth... Meanwhile.. I had already started a new job.. met some new cuties at work and looked them up in my horoscope books..

Who else was better to share the information with than my hot ass neighbor who also read horoscope books and even knew more about them??

I went over there.. Brought the books and then we found out we were "love matches" along with "good sex".

We started making out.. I didn't sleep with him but I gave him head. 

We ended up fucking eventually and then he got distant for a while..

Eventually I heard him fuck another girl through my wall.. but who was I to get upset.. Me and Titan had fucked a couple times also. 

I crashed my car after my Senior art show. 

I called Titan.
He responded with," Well, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?"
I hung up.
I called Seth. Seth came and picked me up. Drove back on to the freeway to find my bumper and license plate and then told me when Titan left for work, to come over and cuddle if I'd like. 

I cuddled with him and spent the night for the first time. I even appologized for sleeping there.  He told me it was fine.. and that "THAT" was the idea. 

He's changed my tired. Picked me up and waited with me when my car broke down again..

When I moved out... I was super lonely... I texted him. 
He was nurturing.  He was caring. told me I could use him to get over Titan.
I did. But I fell in love.

2 days for Valentine's day I got super horny and had my friend drop me off at his apartment.  I spent the night fucked his brains out and had a moment with him during sex that was purly blissfull.

I've  moved back into my apartment [the same one] without Titan, and I have still to this day been spending the night at Seth's almost every night.  I have gone crazy. I have told him how I felt.  He admits that he's not looking for a relationship and that I am just a good friend.. but even since then he has opened up more and more. 

He no longer kisses me cuz he doesn't want to get me too attached.  I still can't understand that. Sex and his brain is more attractive than making out with him. 

Last night he grabbed my thigh and squished it and said, "That's hot."

I was like ," How sad! I'm not going to eat for a week now thanks!."

He told me .."Mine does that too look... Don't be silly.  Don't be insecure. There's no reason to be insecure."

I refuse to eat.

There is every reason to be insecure.
I'm disgusting and YOU don't want me.  So friend or fuck buddy.. I love you, Seth.

Ofcourse.. I never said THAT I just thought it.

I am 25 almost 26 years old.
I am still in school since I finished high school because my dumb ass is lazy and can't seem to pass my shit.
I have no boyfriend nor any intention of dating because Seth is perfect.

I have NEVER fallen in love like this before.
And I'm so sad. because I'm not "perfect" enough for him.

At least I don't think so. 

I feel like I'm going to broke, heartbroken, ugly, fat, old, and alone for the rest of my life. 

I hate this life.

Why does the universe do this to me?

I love him and want him so much.  I wish I could change his mind and make him see how wonderful this could be.  But he's never even had a gf.  He won't even give love a chance. 

Why should I?

What happened?

I used to be a beautiful, talented, over acheiving, wonderful young girl.

I'm torn, battered, and broken.  There are so many signs.

So many signs.. that have it all make sense.. Like the Universe is trying to tell me something.  I wish he saw that.


I miss kissing him. 

-LR