Friday, October 25, 2013

The Heart...

The Body.
The Mind.

The heart effects our mind which effects our body.
There is no such thing as multitasking.
How do we forgive ourselves for things we've done?
How do we let go of the past?
The parts that hurt?

I don't know the words to the song that plays as walk through life now...

Everyday I still hate my body but I don't want to die. But then the same time of year comes about and makes me want to disappear again.

I should have expected this.

He said it would take forever for me to get back to what I was. I must be that much of heifer! 

I asked him if I was fat, he said,"You could tighten up a little. Then again so could I."

I was never the fat girl when I was younger.
When I tried to die they gave me pills.
Those pills took everything away from me.
My body, my home, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my teachers, my teams, my goals, my aspirations, my promises, my life, my world, my confidence, my emotions, my great grand father, my dignity, my pride, my everything.
How do you recover from that?
How do you gain back what was stolen from you by a bottle of pills given to you as a result of taking to many pills in order to die?
You take pills to die.
They slap you on the wrist and give you pills that take everything away anyway and kill you inside.
How do you forgive yourself for that when you have gained nothing back from it?
I have never found my home again. They moved and my room is lost forever. My family and I don't get along so I will never be able to move back.
I never got my boyfriend back. He has long moved away and long since moved on and some and I have no desire of being with him again anyway.
I never found my friends again. They all changed and moved away. Some got married and had children, while others just faded into the LA abyss of mysticism.
None of my teachers still teach at my hs.
I never went back to sports because my body and confidence disappeared.
The promises I made with myself have broken time after time after time again.  My emotions have never been the same. I don't let anyone in anymore.
My great grandfather is dead.
My dignity.. oh my dignity..
I'm currently fucking a guy [fell in love with a guy] who fucked my sister and then told me I should fuck guys who fuck my friends or my sister....
I've never done this... I knew better.
But I loved him before she fucked him.
I loved him.
I'll never tell him that I love him.
I'll never tell him that I loved him.
He'll never know that I love.
I'll never kiss him the way I did the first night.
I'll never kiss like that again.
My heart is so guarded again. A shield perfected by the very best.
I am alone because I choose to be.
Even if every night I sleep or fuck a man, I am alone. I will never let them in. Not anymore.
Not until I find those things again that those pills snatched from my possession.
It's the saddest thing I've come to realize.
Even if I finish school and receive a degree, it will be fulfilling and will never replace all the things I've lost.
That chapter of my life closed because it had to and not because I wanted it to.
It was the hardest challenge I've ever had to face and sometimes I cry at night and wish I had died in the emergency room because when I prayed to live I didn't know they were going to kill me by taking my world away.
I am a child living in a 26 year old body hating every fucking minute of adult hood.
I fear independence. I fear people. I fear friends. I fear my sister. I fear my dad. I fear dating. I fear everything. I'm scared little cat who hides behind the projected claws that clearly expose themselves every time I'm faced with a challenge.

I'm commended for being so strong but inside I'm so weak.
I still hate body like I did when I was 12.
I still hate my face like I did when I was 11.
I still hate my friends like I did when I was 15.
I still hate my family like I always have for never understanding me.
I still feel alone.
I still feel left out.
I still feel neglected.
I still feel sad.
But now I wear the face of anger.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I just want to feel numb and disappear from the cruel circumstance in which I live.
I am not an artist. I just make art. I've hated that title.
It gives me too much credit.
I should stay alone.
Be alone.
Live alone.
Breathe alone.
Just to be alone. Forever
I'll get in my way and only I will be in the way.
Not until I find her again; the little girl who had hopes and dreams and everyday worked hard to make them happen.

Until then, and only until then do I deserve to be seen again.

I finally understand my purpose.

Loneliness.

Pure, sheer loneliness. 
Solitude.


-LR

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Ever Wonder....

Why ponsettias remind you of Christmas, or why they're not pronounced 'ponseschas'?

Ever wonder why you're told you're not a match or why stars have so impact on our personalities and wants and dreams and desires.

And why our culture programs us so easily?
Every why you can't get along with someone who has the same flaws as you?
Or why everyone has to point out that you're different?
Ever wonder what it would be like to be richer or poorer or a girl or a boy?
Ever wonder why you know things now that you didn't know as a child and why it always has to be that way?
Ever wonder why you do things out of spite or just to do them because they sounded good at the time?
Ever wonder why things don't ever go your way or why you wish for things that seem so far away?
Ever wonder why we're more attracted to what is unacheivable?
Ever wonder why things might just happen for a reason?
Ever wonder why soo many incidences seem like coincidences when in reality in the realm of the universe nothing really happens on accident?

I ran into an old friend today from elementary school who I haven't seen since I was 9. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years now but we "accidently" ran into each other at our university on the sidewalk which happens to be 2 days after another melt down with Seth and while he's in a law suit with his "fiance's" parents.... It seems like matches are inevitable seeing as how he's my astrological match and what I'm chasing after is a flighty air sign.

And so it seem that no matter how intriguing the firey air signs of the world may be, we'll always find the comfort in what completes us.  The waves of the tides are constantly attempting to reach for air and the wind just pushes the flow down and away...

Just a simple 'hello' from a face from the past has given me a simple hope that maybe something great will happen and I'll have to settle for 2nd best or hope that there is a duplication of greatness that lies somewhere...


We'll see.... 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Don't give up, let go...

Those are words we all too often hear [or read.. now days.. with technology being our only form of communication now].  Those are the same.
You let go
You give up.
It all ends
It's all over.
It's done.
I'm done.
Nothing seems to get better in life and every time you think you're getting ahead, it just turns out the same way as it did before.

You alone.
To just deal.
No one feels sorry for you
No one really wants to help you without some kind of incentive.

Life is a fucking joke.
It's a fucking joke because it's a fucking game.
Games are fun, right?
Funny. Not fun.
A fucking joke.

See what I did there?

Think positive and you'll end up with more disappointments.
Life is so disappointing.
I'm so over this pathetic bullshit life.
I'm so over all of it...

No matter how hard we try to make it better it never does get better.

We can save all of our money, we can try our best to be the best. we can look our best and we never seem to manage to come out on top. We always end up losing at some point. So what the fuck is the point of trying anymore?
I'm over all of this.

I'm so used to being alone why not just accept it and move the fuck on?
Who cares who's sad about it anymore.
It's your life.. not theirs and they're not the ones living it for you so why the fuck does it matter?

It shouldn't. Fuck it. All of it.

I fucking give up.
Fuck love. Fuck Romance and all that resides in between.

Fuck your career and your hopes and dreams and what you want in life...
Just fuck everything.
You're not getting ahead.. you just keep falling behind.
Nothing ends quick enough..
It lasts long enough to keep you hoping.. and then disappoints you. 

Dust.
Done.
Gone.