Do you notice me?

I feel like I'm in my apartment wasting away.
Seth is still around of course.
I couldn't let him go if I tried.
I dunno what it is anymore.
But now..

I'm losing my fucking mind.
I hallucinated.
I fucked freaked out and for my manager of my apartments involved and everyone else. I heard him in his apartment when he said he went to vegas.  I head him. I heard his phone. When the manager of the apartment complex in which I live opened his place because Seth called him,
We searched the whole fucking place and no one was there.
I still heard people after we left and told Seth I didn't believe that his wasn't in there. And he said.. you saw the place it's empty. I'm not FUCKING there!
He wasn't there. I didn't eat or sleep for two days because I didn't want to miss the moment I'd see him get out of the car and walk up stairs. If I didn't see him walk up to his door I would probably still believe to this day that he was in there.  My aunt was worried. He was worried but pissed.

I haven't been eating really and there other day I ate a sandwich, cheese and crackers, and purged all of it.
I've never purged this often.
I don't know what's going but I can't lie and say I'm not proud of myself. 
My aunt came to job right before my lunch break and made me eat a fucking burger. So today I'm doing better. Coffee. A frap to be honest and open. 
I can make these gross calories last all fucking day. 

Do you ever neglected?
Do you ever feel stuck?
Like you're talking and no one hears you.
You just get cut off.
You just stop.
Everyone tells you what they think you should do with your life and you have to listen because if you don't you'll end up with nothing. Am I the only one who never fucking grew up?
Seth is 36. Acts like a child and it's okay.
I'm 26. I act like a fucking child and it's not.
I don't get it.
I'm not ready to grow up.
I want to go back to my childhood and get back what was taken from me.
Living how I please with no one telling me what the fuck to do.
I feel stuck.
Have sex everywhere. Smoke where ever, whatever, and when ever.Sleep. clean, shower, eat when the fuck I want.
I just want my life to myself. LET GO! but I don't want to be alone. but I don't want anyone here with me. Seth is perfect cuz he lives next door. I just wish he saw in me what I saw in him.
I'm tired of selling my fat ass.
If he doesn't want me, then there's nothing I can do. His loss... I think. granted: I don't WANT to lose him.. but I think at this point.. it's either going to continue the way it's been.. or it's inevitable. Oh well.
Another person telling me what to want .. another thing I can't have..
UGH!  I just want everything to be better, and perfect. PERFECT! UGH!
I don't think it's unrealistic because my ideals are not complicated! What the fuck?

-LR

The Great Escape...

They call it the great escape because of its numbing power.
When you sit in your silence and greet all who shall pass.
You smile and you shine.
And inside your heart melts away.

Yes, we all feel pain inside.
And none of us know where to go.
And we never know what to do
When we're faced with that place between a dream and reality.

But we always wish it was a dream...
Not the dream...
But a dream...
One, where we can wake up..
Sit up..
Stand..
Go to the bathroom sink...
Splash water on our face...
Dry it off..

And go back to sleep...

Inspiration Salvation

"I ain't no good at this. No, I ain't no good at this at all. And if you are good at it, what exactly are you good at?" -Gia Carangi


Ah, god! Who am I fooling? I'm not good at life.. I only know a life of disorder and torment. I dunno how to be this being that everyone wants me to be.  I dunno how to sit here and be okay with everything dealt to me. Sure, could it be worse.. DUH! But fuck, man.. it could be better.. I just hate this empty feeling I always have and no that I've been telling everyone that I'm looking at life in a different light, now I feel like I can't ever go back to the "Dark Ages"... at least not for a while..

I've never been able to grasp it. How do you just 'move on' and not let it hurt anymore when you just began to deal with it?  How do you become okay with life as yourself when you've had no family to pick you up, when you had friends who stabbed you in the back? When you've never had a real example how to be until you were 24 years old? And then when you see everything you aspired to be and everything you believe, how do you just live life and move forward without that in your life? I guess it's not incredibly without.. but fuck.. how can you not see it?

Why is this world so fucked up that people are so blinded by sexual distractions that they couldn't see perfect love if it was standing right in fucking in front of them?  Why are people so fucking blind? Even the smartest most observant people are fucking blind.  How can you not see it? Are people 'that' fucking superficial? 'that' fucking dumb to not see this? Why am I often the only one who sees beauty in imperfections? I'm tired of seeing beauty in imperfections and then having to be perfect for everyone else.
I'm sick of it.. Tired. A kind of tired that sleep cannot fix.

I ain't no good at this life. I was obviously misplaced and that is the worst empty feeling ever. When you don't fit in with your family. You don't fit in with your friends. You don't fit in with your co-workers. You don't fit in with your school mates.   You don't fit in with your peers..

I feel so betrayed by life.. sure, yeah maybe it feels like the world is against me.. but what if it is?  What if you just don't agree with the bullshit lies that are around you? It's a crock of shit! I'm so sick of it!

Blindness.. deception.. greed.. guilt... annoying!

It's all fucking annoying! I'm so sick of it!

UGh!

And here I am just trying to be me and live my life the best way I know how.. and yet and still someone SOMEWHERE has something to say about it because they don't understand your world.. they only understand their own ...but then you're punished for it! ...

It's so fucking dumb!

-LR

It won't be funny for long...

It's funny that they tell you that being skinny isn't everything. What do they know? Half of them have never been skinny to begin with.  What they don't realize is everything you lost when you lost being skinny.  Being thin. You could have nothing... You could be the poorest or the ugliest or the dumbest but everyone will continue to love you and praise you because you are skinny. Is it sad that I resent my own fucking sister because she's everyone's favorite?

She's skinny. I don't get it. Why did I get blessed with the fat genes? I'm going to change that because you can't be fucking fat if you never put food in your fucking mouth. I'm tired of doing shit the right way. You never fucking win when you do shit the right way... I'm tired of waiting to be loved.  When you're skinny you have everything. you have friends and everyone tells you how good you are. You're very rarely made fun of.. and no one would dare call you lazy...

Everyone wants to be around you and then people get jealous of you. You are controlled and people want to be you.. Not when you're fat though..

"It'll take a while before you're where you want to be.. before you're there."

No one will ever tell you what you should to diet.. no one will ever give you weigh advice.. they'll always tell you you're too skinny. They'll always want to feed you and when you turn them down they'll feel bad about themselves and you'll be the one in control... making THEM all feel like shit.

It's time to get revenge on the fucking world that forgot about you..

It's time to show them just what the fuck you CAN do and NO it won't take forever!!!

I'll be the best and everyone will fucking love me!

The Heart...

The Body.
The Mind.

The heart effects our mind which effects our body.
There is no such thing as multitasking.
How do we forgive ourselves for things we've done?
How do we let go of the past?
The parts that hurt?

I don't know the words to the song that plays as walk through life now...

Everyday I still hate my body but I don't want to die. But then the same time of year comes about and makes me want to disappear again.

I should have expected this.

He said it would take forever for me to get back to what I was. I must be that much of heifer! 

I asked him if I was fat, he said,"You could tighten up a little. Then again so could I."

I was never the fat girl when I was younger.
When I tried to die they gave me pills.
Those pills took everything away from me.
My body, my home, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my teachers, my teams, my goals, my aspirations, my promises, my life, my world, my confidence, my emotions, my great grand father, my dignity, my pride, my everything.
How do you recover from that?
How do you gain back what was stolen from you by a bottle of pills given to you as a result of taking to many pills in order to die?
You take pills to die.
They slap you on the wrist and give you pills that take everything away anyway and kill you inside.
How do you forgive yourself for that when you have gained nothing back from it?
I have never found my home again. They moved and my room is lost forever. My family and I don't get along so I will never be able to move back.
I never got my boyfriend back. He has long moved away and long since moved on and some and I have no desire of being with him again anyway.
I never found my friends again. They all changed and moved away. Some got married and had children, while others just faded into the LA abyss of mysticism.
None of my teachers still teach at my hs.
I never went back to sports because my body and confidence disappeared.
The promises I made with myself have broken time after time after time again.  My emotions have never been the same. I don't let anyone in anymore.
My great grandfather is dead.
My dignity.. oh my dignity..
I'm currently fucking a guy [fell in love with a guy] who fucked my sister and then told me I should fuck guys who fuck my friends or my sister....
I've never done this... I knew better.
But I loved him before she fucked him.
I loved him.
I'll never tell him that I love him.
I'll never tell him that I loved him.
He'll never know that I love.
I'll never kiss him the way I did the first night.
I'll never kiss like that again.
My heart is so guarded again. A shield perfected by the very best.
I am alone because I choose to be.
Even if every night I sleep or fuck a man, I am alone. I will never let them in. Not anymore.
Not until I find those things again that those pills snatched from my possession.
It's the saddest thing I've come to realize.
Even if I finish school and receive a degree, it will be fulfilling and will never replace all the things I've lost.
That chapter of my life closed because it had to and not because I wanted it to.
It was the hardest challenge I've ever had to face and sometimes I cry at night and wish I had died in the emergency room because when I prayed to live I didn't know they were going to kill me by taking my world away.
I am a child living in a 26 year old body hating every fucking minute of adult hood.
I fear independence. I fear people. I fear friends. I fear my sister. I fear my dad. I fear dating. I fear everything. I'm scared little cat who hides behind the projected claws that clearly expose themselves every time I'm faced with a challenge.

I'm commended for being so strong but inside I'm so weak.
I still hate body like I did when I was 12.
I still hate my face like I did when I was 11.
I still hate my friends like I did when I was 15.
I still hate my family like I always have for never understanding me.
I still feel alone.
I still feel left out.
I still feel neglected.
I still feel sad.
But now I wear the face of anger.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I just want to feel numb and disappear from the cruel circumstance in which I live.
I am not an artist. I just make art. I've hated that title.
It gives me too much credit.
I should stay alone.
Be alone.
Live alone.
Breathe alone.
Just to be alone. Forever
I'll get in my way and only I will be in the way.
Not until I find her again; the little girl who had hopes and dreams and everyday worked hard to make them happen.

Until then, and only until then do I deserve to be seen again.

I finally understand my purpose.

Loneliness.

Pure, sheer loneliness. 
Solitude.


-LR

Ever Wonder....

Why ponsettias remind you of Christmas, or why they're not pronounced 'ponseschas'?

Ever wonder why you're told you're not a match or why stars have so impact on our personalities and wants and dreams and desires.

And why our culture programs us so easily?
Every why you can't get along with someone who has the same flaws as you?
Or why everyone has to point out that you're different?
Ever wonder what it would be like to be richer or poorer or a girl or a boy?
Ever wonder why you know things now that you didn't know as a child and why it always has to be that way?
Ever wonder why you do things out of spite or just to do them because they sounded good at the time?
Ever wonder why things don't ever go your way or why you wish for things that seem so far away?
Ever wonder why we're more attracted to what is unacheivable?
Ever wonder why things might just happen for a reason?
Ever wonder why soo many incidences seem like coincidences when in reality in the realm of the universe nothing really happens on accident?

I ran into an old friend today from elementary school who I haven't seen since I was 9. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years now but we "accidently" ran into each other at our university on the sidewalk which happens to be 2 days after another melt down with Seth and while he's in a law suit with his "fiance's" parents.... It seems like matches are inevitable seeing as how he's my astrological match and what I'm chasing after is a flighty air sign.

And so it seem that no matter how intriguing the firey air signs of the world may be, we'll always find the comfort in what completes us.  The waves of the tides are constantly attempting to reach for air and the wind just pushes the flow down and away...

Just a simple 'hello' from a face from the past has given me a simple hope that maybe something great will happen and I'll have to settle for 2nd best or hope that there is a duplication of greatness that lies somewhere...


We'll see.... 

Don't give up, let go...

Those are words we all too often hear [or read.. now days.. with technology being our only form of communication now].  Those are the same.
You let go
You give up.
It all ends
It's all over.
It's done.
I'm done.
Nothing seems to get better in life and every time you think you're getting ahead, it just turns out the same way as it did before.

You alone.
To just deal.
No one feels sorry for you
No one really wants to help you without some kind of incentive.

Life is a fucking joke.
It's a fucking joke because it's a fucking game.
Games are fun, right?
Funny. Not fun.
A fucking joke.

See what I did there?

Think positive and you'll end up with more disappointments.
Life is so disappointing.
I'm so over this pathetic bullshit life.
I'm so over all of it...

No matter how hard we try to make it better it never does get better.

We can save all of our money, we can try our best to be the best. we can look our best and we never seem to manage to come out on top. We always end up losing at some point. So what the fuck is the point of trying anymore?
I'm over all of this.

I'm so used to being alone why not just accept it and move the fuck on?
Who cares who's sad about it anymore.
It's your life.. not theirs and they're not the ones living it for you so why the fuck does it matter?

It shouldn't. Fuck it. All of it.

I fucking give up.
Fuck love. Fuck Romance and all that resides in between.

Fuck your career and your hopes and dreams and what you want in life...
Just fuck everything.
You're not getting ahead.. you just keep falling behind.
Nothing ends quick enough..
It lasts long enough to keep you hoping.. and then disappoints you. 

Dust.
Done.
Gone.