The Heart...

The Body.
The Mind.

The heart effects our mind which effects our body.
There is no such thing as multitasking.
How do we forgive ourselves for things we've done?
How do we let go of the past?
The parts that hurt?

I don't know the words to the song that plays as walk through life now...

Everyday I still hate my body but I don't want to die. But then the same time of year comes about and makes me want to disappear again.

I should have expected this.

He said it would take forever for me to get back to what I was. I must be that much of heifer! 

I asked him if I was fat, he said,"You could tighten up a little. Then again so could I."

I was never the fat girl when I was younger.
When I tried to die they gave me pills.
Those pills took everything away from me.
My body, my home, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my teachers, my teams, my goals, my aspirations, my promises, my life, my world, my confidence, my emotions, my great grand father, my dignity, my pride, my everything.
How do you recover from that?
How do you gain back what was stolen from you by a bottle of pills given to you as a result of taking to many pills in order to die?
You take pills to die.
They slap you on the wrist and give you pills that take everything away anyway and kill you inside.
How do you forgive yourself for that when you have gained nothing back from it?
I have never found my home again. They moved and my room is lost forever. My family and I don't get along so I will never be able to move back.
I never got my boyfriend back. He has long moved away and long since moved on and some and I have no desire of being with him again anyway.
I never found my friends again. They all changed and moved away. Some got married and had children, while others just faded into the LA abyss of mysticism.
None of my teachers still teach at my hs.
I never went back to sports because my body and confidence disappeared.
The promises I made with myself have broken time after time after time again.  My emotions have never been the same. I don't let anyone in anymore.
My great grandfather is dead.
My dignity.. oh my dignity..
I'm currently fucking a guy [fell in love with a guy] who fucked my sister and then told me I should fuck guys who fuck my friends or my sister....
I've never done this... I knew better.
But I loved him before she fucked him.
I loved him.
I'll never tell him that I love him.
I'll never tell him that I loved him.
He'll never know that I love.
I'll never kiss him the way I did the first night.
I'll never kiss like that again.
My heart is so guarded again. A shield perfected by the very best.
I am alone because I choose to be.
Even if every night I sleep or fuck a man, I am alone. I will never let them in. Not anymore.
Not until I find those things again that those pills snatched from my possession.
It's the saddest thing I've come to realize.
Even if I finish school and receive a degree, it will be fulfilling and will never replace all the things I've lost.
That chapter of my life closed because it had to and not because I wanted it to.
It was the hardest challenge I've ever had to face and sometimes I cry at night and wish I had died in the emergency room because when I prayed to live I didn't know they were going to kill me by taking my world away.
I am a child living in a 26 year old body hating every fucking minute of adult hood.
I fear independence. I fear people. I fear friends. I fear my sister. I fear my dad. I fear dating. I fear everything. I'm scared little cat who hides behind the projected claws that clearly expose themselves every time I'm faced with a challenge.

I'm commended for being so strong but inside I'm so weak.
I still hate body like I did when I was 12.
I still hate my face like I did when I was 11.
I still hate my friends like I did when I was 15.
I still hate my family like I always have for never understanding me.
I still feel alone.
I still feel left out.
I still feel neglected.
I still feel sad.
But now I wear the face of anger.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I just want to feel numb and disappear from the cruel circumstance in which I live.
I am not an artist. I just make art. I've hated that title.
It gives me too much credit.
I should stay alone.
Be alone.
Live alone.
Breathe alone.
Just to be alone. Forever
I'll get in my way and only I will be in the way.
Not until I find her again; the little girl who had hopes and dreams and everyday worked hard to make them happen.

Until then, and only until then do I deserve to be seen again.

I finally understand my purpose.

Loneliness.

Pure, sheer loneliness. 
Solitude.


-LR