There is no eager pull anymore with which to do the things I have always intended to do.
At some point I'd reach out to anonymous audiences, I'd reach out to well known audiences. My audiences is scarce now that I'm getting older. It's the scariest thing to know that you'll be alone. It's been a terrifying fear my through out my entire life. And now that it's all dwindling as I'm getting older, where do I go from here?
Where do I find the drive that once kept me independent and happy? Where do I find the courage to be alone and be okay? The world is scary and terrible. There are many mean, jealous, envying individuals. This is the time in my life where I should be blossoming and I feel less than every woman I see. I feel like I'm decomposing at an exponential level and I feel pulled to the ground, unable to lift back up and take flight. I have people who are rooting for me. I have the world to impress and have nothing to bring to the table anymore.
Many would ask why I'm bitching.. I have a degree right? I have a home right?
What good are these things if I cannot enjoy them? I am alone and lonely. Lonely me... Whoa is me. Why am I always feeling sorry for myself?
Why do I feel so much pain? Where can I comfortably worry without the fear of being judged, rejected, or invisible? I feel unworthy. I lack hope. I'm overwhelmed by all of my life and I've never been able to cope. At least not correctly. I feel like a 27 year old adult with a child's brain. I can't escape the draining thoughts. I can't escape anything. I feel no control. I feel no power anymore. Men used to empower me. But now I am "around" man [because I doubt I will ever be with him] that constantly lets me know that while I am pathetically in love with him, I am setting myself up for failure and rejection. Why can't I even just have it? Why can't I ever just get it? Why do I always have to love and lose? He's a man who has never loved at all. And I have never in life felt some much for someone who wasn't a part of my family. Because he is so bitter, he takes it all away from me My final efforts. My open, wounded heart. I've allowed him to tread in the depths of my deepest desires and for what? For another rejected, soon to be part of the past?
I wondered for years how long it would take to get over my first love. I fell in love with him and the thought of that one is completely gone. So now what? How do I get over the best man I've ever had in my life? He takes care of me, and gives me money..I sleep with him at night and hold him when I want, but that kiss. How do I forget the kisses? The tender nights when he held me close? When he was mine for a moment? I loved him. I deeply loved him. I let my body be his and I shared so much of deepest self with him. I can't take that back. I wish I could throw it all away. I wish I could just delete it all from my memory because the pain it's going have on my heart is devastating. To each his own theory as to how and why the universe works the way it does.. but I'm telling you that this kind of pain had killed me once in the past and I didn't come close to loving this hard. The passion. I had that passion again. but he was never mine. Is it that the best was in the beginning and now the rest of my life in boring and dull because I gave it all away too soon? When will I love again? Why can't I love him?
I read in many books and in many of my religious studies that love is never a bad thing. That it is okay to love even if you are not loved. As long as you are loving everything is fine.. I shouldn't take it personal if I tell someone I love you and they cannot handle it.. but how easy is that? How easy can that be for a heart that has taken so many blows? I never thought I would ever love again..The last one ended in 2004. I shut off entirely. I've been dead. I've been soulless. Passionless. No desire. I was driven by education out of what felt like obligation. I fought to get through and now that I'm on the other side why can't I love again? Where did all of these insecurities come from? Where am I hiding?
You'd be an idiot if you think I'm looking for the easy way out. I've never had it easy and I'm never taking that route, because what is there to learn from it?
He said that Valentine's Day should be celebrated with a singles party because that seemed more fun that a couple's night. "The losers in a room... Well, they're not losers.."
Yes, they are. You spoke before thinking. You want someone else. Someone better. My love wasn't enough and you never even gave it a chance to really speak. You've swept the top of the tip of it's peak and you still turned in down when you felt what I felt in that moment. You're taking away my heart.
I cannot be who I want to be because I want to love. I want to give. I want to be. It's never okay for me to be. That's why I stopped being. My thunder has been silenced to many times and now I just suffer. I am sad. Love has been ripped out of my chest and parts of my soul with it. I'm am broken. Torn. Abandoned by all I've ever loved and here I am.
Where do I go? What do I do? I have no love in my life. Everyone has disappeared. The universe is obviously telling me that I am not supposed to love anyone. So therefor, I will allow the rest of my life to be what it will. An endless, passionless, hole of empty fire that has become a solemn den of cold stone and dust. Ashes upon the ground, an empty soul vessel no one will find and no one will fill. I have 2 painful gashes across my ribs from the love I once gave and the swords that so easily sliced them away. I am a breathing carcass, dreaming of what will never be. Do I give up or do I hope for change? I cannot find myself in this same situation because I am not a fool.. Or perhaps I am for allowing myself to be fooled twice. Touche, love. You win. Check and mate. Life is easy when you're numb.
When will that day come when I'm surprised? I don't know why I cry when pain is to be expected. Why am I always surprised? Maybe he's right. I shouldn't set myself up anymore. I should pull back and disappear. He's taken away my light. A love gone will kill anyone. When love dies it is the worst. When you give so much to be let down by so many. Why can't he just go away? He'll never let me down when it comes to finances, but is that really what I want? No. I'd rather be homeless and in love than rich with no love at all.. Not many women can say that. not many American women.
I watch people and their smiles. I watched endlessly and wish I knew what it was like. I know that behind every smile there have been tears. Just like behind every adult was once a child. I don't easily feel intimidated. Perhaps I'm too intimidating. Maybe I'm too much. But why is that bad? I don't think there are men who exist for a woman like me. I'm not willing to wait anymore either. I'm not willing to look because I have found what I want. Two times. And both times after they fade... I am finding myself settling. Settling into the air... and just being carried with the wind of nothingness. There is no depth to the world. I give up. Love died with the Renaissance. All its garnishes are in museums. All of its people are dead.
Again, where do I go? What do I do? Beauty is not enough to tame me. Promises aren't either. Why can't I just keep what I find to be the entire package? I am a blunt blade fighting armies. I'm done for. I'm at my end. My soul is crying. I am losing everything. Love is a fucked thing. Actually, no, Love is not fucked up. People are. People have destroyed love. People have ruined people. I don't belong here. So I'll hide. Inside. Alone. Guarded. Quiet. Uninterrupted. Full. I am the gem. And no one can have me now. I am not a fighter, I am a lover of all and a loyal romantic. But now I am hidden. I am gone. Dust. Shhh
Quiet. Don't knock on my door. Don't call me on the phone. Don't speak my name. I am nameless. Without a shadow, I am here. Crumbling away in my home. I have stories, I have tales. They are unbelievable. They are adventures.. but they are only old tales of my past. Never dream come trues of the future. Where is this journey taking me? It's taking me into a dark place of hand written hypothetical [s]. You will only read my story but you will never know me. Ti's better to love and be loved, than to love and lost [twice]. There be no fire here anymore. I am torn. And my fate is bringing me to my knees. I have been forgotten, taken for granted, and wilted. Plucked from gardens you would only see on television. I am sore. My petals are faded. There is no more color left in their roots. I am gone. Dead inside and living in agonizing pain crusting my heart and calcifying my soul. I want to breathe... But there are no more breaths for me to take. I can't wait to be released. I can't wait to go away. I can't to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams for the rest of eternity. Death is not as sad as the world presumes. Sadness for ones death is a selfish desire. Death is the only relief of suffering. It is the only cure to true pain. So when I eternally close my eyes, do not weep, for I will be smiling a million smiles and I will be sailing in the deepest oceans of love. I will never look back and wish I was back here because I will no longer want to suffer. I will be at peace and my mind will no longer dive into tragedy. I will no longer cry because the love filled ocean will be my tears shed for the love I had to give. Don't fear the reaper.
