27 and counting...

It's the moment in your life when you realize that there is no more "other person" to idealize because you'll just find something else wrong with them because you're over critical of them because you're also over critical of yourself.  You see things as: "if you were thin, all of these problems would dissipate because your life would be organized and good again." Why does it seem that when shit hits the fan, you know that life would be much better as a skinny girl?  Probably because when it really comes down to it, I won't be satisfied til I'm thin.  I could have the best guy in the world, the best place to live, all the pretty dresses and shoes and furniture and ambiance, but I won't be entirely satisfied until I'm thin.

I have my degree.  I live alone.[Kinda, I have a temporary room-mate]  Seth and I are good [for now]. I can sleep at home peacefully now.  I got promoted.  Shouldn't I be happy? No.. My hair is too short and I'm fat.  I think what it really comes down to, is that motivation.   I had it and I was so close and then I gave up and got fat again. I tried to be healthy and "do it the right way", then I stopped taking diet pills and blew up like a fucking balloon. I hate my life. Why can't I just get shit together?

And every time I vent to someone, they try to tell me how to change it as though they completely understand the circumstances I'm in. It's called depression.. You don't want to move, you don't want to think, you don't want to be around people, you just want love and warmth and no pity.  Everyone either feels pity for you, or they give you tough love thinking that's what you need, when really you're just getting beat down.  Seth is really good at that tough love shit and it doesn't work, it makes me worse.

I'm caving. I'm just drowning on all my misery and I have no escape.   I want to get out of my shit hole of a life so bad and it always comes down to starving myself because I can't seem to get anything else done right.  Apparently, I can't even do that right.  I was doing well for so long and then I just gave up and got happy and let someone take charge. I took advice, I tried to get healthy because that's how "adults" are supposed to live, but maybe I don't want to BE an adult. Maybe I wanna be young because I never got to live my youth.  I'm tired of being what everyone wants me to be when really I just want to be clean and tidy, neat, quiet perfect, charming, smart an successful. I just want everyone to aspire to be like me when right now I feel like everyone wants to put in their two cents about how I should be living my life... including my temporary roommate who is living on MY COUCH! like really? How the fuck are you going to tell me how to live my life when you live in my dining room? Like FUCK! I feel like my age is ten years behind but then other days I feel like my age is ten years ahead.. I grew up too fast and now I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore because nothing fits.. cuz life never stopped ticking .. I did.  Maybe that's the universe's way of telling me to fuck everyone and do what I want. I can now and it's no one's business but my own.  I just wish I had the money to be who I want.. I need a new job.. badly. I hope I can find one that will pay me what I need and be in my field. FML...

No one warns you about this shit!