Nov. 7 2011 - Reflection

After Halloween I got back down to 152. I've been doing well, not eating more that 1000 cals in a day.  My metabolism stopped for a little while, but shoving food in my mouth made it boost considering I was only drink caramel macchiattos in the morning with a biscotti and a caramel macchiato at night as well.  I'm wearing a skirt today that I haven't worn since the summer prior to my senior year of high school.

Let's just say last time I wore this skirt I was 17 and had only had sex with one person at the time.

A lot has changed since then.. not saying I'm a whore or anything, but a lot has. 

I'm not really sure why, but I've had about 3 flashbacks in the last month and I'm wondering why I'm being triggered so easy.

I got in contact with someone from my past and this person said something to me that made me question everything around me.

I've thought about purging again.  I miss it.  I felt so accomplished when I was purging. The only bad part was my cousin was following my blog at the time and told my family and now everyone questions how I'm losing weight cuz they just can't believe that I may be doing things right for once. 

I read my old diaries recently as a result of all the flashbacks and cutting.... I found some really disturbing entres that made me relive the scenerio as I kept reading.  It was sad. 

I'm not sure how to talk about all this in therapy. My therapists seems to side with the boytoy when he found out I went snooping. I had right damnit! I found shit he was hiding and I found it because I KNEW he was hiding it! There is no way he could have hid that from me. It was bound to come out eventually and I didn't feel like waiting so I went looking.   And I found what I was looking for. I just wonder if he knows I found it yet.   Anyway.. enough with this bullshit. 

I need to learn how to take my measurements so you can know my true stats. In case you all don't know...

My Highest weight: 197
My Starting weight: 187 [Jan 2010]
My Current weight: 152
My Lowest weight: 115
My Goal weight: 115
My ultimate goal weight: 110


I have 40 lbs to go to hit my first goal. I've been up and down repeatedly.... but it wasn't til recently I decided fasting was the only way to really get what I want.

I need to gain control of my life. Things have been way too far out of hand to keep going on like this.  Once I get a better grip on things, life will finally shine rainbows again. 

Hopefully...

and if not, at least I'll be skinny and I'll at least have that!

Obviously, the fat one's me...

-LR

Oct. 31. 2011 - Hallow's Eve

[Happy Halloween. Stay away from candy. Make the children fat, not yourself]

Today has been a day of inspiration. I went to a Tim Burton exhibit in LA at LACMA. Tim Burton has always been a very influential artist in my life.   I felt like a kid again when I saw some of his old works. 

Lately, life hasn't been so peachy. I was in high spirits for a while because a lot of good things were happening but then two Saturdays ago, I lost it and cut for the first time in 8 months or so.  I didn't eat much of anything the last 5 days.  My costume fits better than I thought, but obviously not as good as I'd like it to. I haven't dropped any lbs but I have lost inches.

I'll just continue starving myself until the scale gives in.

I DID have a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks this morning which trhew me way over the edge and made my stomach hurt.  Good! That's what I get! I fucked up! For the rest of the day I'm not taking in anymore calories.  I can't afford it. 

Lately, I've been feeling very out of control and very lost.  I feel helpless and alone and often miserable like I want someone to rip me to shreds.  I have another blog with over 110 followers and I just don't want to go back to it. I'm scared someone will find it.  I'm scared someone will figure everything out. I miss all my followers because I feel like those people are listening to some part of what I have to say.  I'm not sure what the fuck I'm going through. 

I cut again this past Saturday.  Worse than the Saturday before.  I don't really know what I'm doing.

Spending money when I'm behind on rent and my car insurance, my phone bill is due and a lot of things are fucking me in the ass right now.  Not including school ... school is a whole new fuck session. What the fuck am I doing?

I feel like by bridge will cave in soon. 

We'll see, then, I guess, won't we?

-LR

[I love B&W thinspo.]