No Therapy, No Drama...

I've been counting calories again. I mean, I should. After all, I'm a lard ass who lacks control and then sits back and feels sorry for herself when she steps on the scale. 

I hate that I yearn for an imaciated body. I hate that I always have. The first time I saw a "diagnosed" hospitalized anorexic, I didn't feel bad. I felt jealous. What the fuck? I was across the hall lying to my therapist because I wanted so bad to get out of that psych ward. I often felt like I was on the wrong side.  Part of me wants to go to grad school for art therapy so I can work in an eating disorders ward, but I don't think it's entirely for the right reasons.  I feel like I would help them as best as I could while I trigger myself into ultimate starvation myself. 

I have to admit. I've been feeling pretty powerful. I've been starving and filling myself up with diet coke and cigarettes and the occasional glass of wine.  I've been tasting new wines as a result of my new job at a popular alcoholic beverage store.  They specialize in wines and in to work harder for my promotion [ though I just started] I figured I'd test most of the product so I can recommend more and develop better sales. 

I've thought about drinking only wine and diet coke and water and smoking cigarettes.  I just need to make sure I don't drink the wine before I go to work or before I go hang out with my friends from "the program".

Another issue regarding "triggers" is I've been having these massive cocaine cravings.  Like no body's business.  I haven't been going to therapy for the last 2 weeks and sure that's probably not good. but I feel better not going cuz I'm not talking about all the bull shit and I can get though a week without thinking about my fucked up family.  I guess I'll regret it sooner or later, but for the time being I've been enjoying the clear mind and empty stomach. Who can blame me?

I don't really know what's going on right now.

Who the fuck cares.

-LR