I think I've decided to finally let him go.  I was bound by his eyes. I fell into his snake pit.  I became one of the other girls. I hope I'm not as forgettable as some.  I hope I meant more than the average notch in the bed post.  I hope I meant more...

I have to let go of the things I cannot control. I can no longer control myself against his will. I am drawn to him worse than that of the seduction of a drug.  I am lost in him. In love without words.  So many things unspoken but written and every time I see him I want to share my new found heart and admiration but I know it will make him pull away. Make him more distant because he's already gone.

He used to kiss me. All the time. He made a kissing sound in my ear and really drew towards me. The minute I opened up he withdrew.  I am torn.  More than friends yet not quite lovers.

He's taken a deep piece of me.  Forever. He's had a piece of my sister and now that the subject was finally brought to light he laughs and it's a constant reminder that he will never be mine.  He used to send her pictures. He never sent me a picture.  I am not his match. He's reminded so elegantly. He speaks with me. He is intrigued by my mind sometimes but I know that it's only temporary. 

"I've never felt so loved."
"No one has ever showed me love like that before."
"That was definitely as first."

It's only sex. A seductive dream that every girl who has ever made mistake wishes she could keep in the palm of her hand.

"Can I keep you?"

He'll be there when you fall. He'll be there to make you smile.. but not anymore.  I've caved. I'm predictable. The most insulting image has become of me in the eyes of the one I've loved most in my life.  I have never felt so torn.  I have never been so broken.  I have never felt so alone.

He was sensitive. He was sweet. Now he just fucks me.  He talks to me like one of his whores.  I'm not.
So last night I slept alone. In my own bed. I slept alone. I'll weep alone. I've wept alone. 

Like the first one, he casts out all of the light that surrounds me.  The negative light of the outsiders. Us against the world. We became one for a moment. He protected from the life that corrupts us.

If I could add all my previous lovers, he would be everyone. All the good. But with all the good, this one by far stings the most.  I have never felt so alone. So withdrawn.  I've never felt so cold.

Can you fix me? He fixed me.  It was all for show. It was all for fun. It was all so that two lonely free birds no longer felt lonely and while one wants to stay free with the other, the other wants to remain free from all.

I am no longer a special gem but a used syringe decaying in the epitome of a lost heart.

tired

I'm so tired of people taking me granted. I'm so tired of people not seeing what they have before them. I'm so sick of giving my all to everyone and no one realizing everything that I'm doing. I'm tired of them just getting used to it because I give and give and give so much. I'm so sick of pleasing people. I'm hate that I'm the kind of person who is happy making other people happy.  I give so much of myself to see people smile or to satisfy one's needs or wants but all in all in the end I'm the one who ends up unhappy.. because the things I do don't make them happy anymore. The happy feel they had turns into expectations when all the things I did we pluses and additions to what I SHOULD be doing.  I'm so tired of everyone around me. I need to go away for a while. I need to move away and let go of everything and everyone. If I knew that the person really appreciated me and was always genuinely happy and appreciative of all the things I did and do for them, I don't think I could ever be unhappy.  If at least ONE fucking person wouldn't turn these "favors" into expectations I would think I was fulfilled in life.. I have YET to meet someone like that..

Otherwise.. I'm just considered a EASY pushover who is easy to take advantage of.

I am the kind of person who will bend over backwards and forwards for the one's I love and care about and I don't mind doing one bit. I give everyone I care about my all and all I expect in return is appreciation that doesn't turn into expectation.

My family... gone.. been gone.. friends.. pfftt.. I barely have any anymore. 

Then there are men..

I guess I'm just too easy.  My heart is an open wound waiting for more masses of men to pour salt on..

I guess I'm just too easy.  My heart is a fool and my brain is fool for allowing my heart to take it over.  When will I ever learn? I don't think I ever will. Which is why i need to get away .. move on.. move forward.. move away. 

Well, if you wanted to push me away.. you sure as fuck did it!

I'm not one of your trashy friends you can just fuck and hear them tell you how amazing you are. 

I'm a god damn human who accidentally fell in love with you. 

My fucking bad..

I guarantee it WILL NOT happen again.

I'm done with people. I fucking hate people.

I need to alone for a while. And I really mean a fucking WHILE!  I'm over this shit! So done.....


I'm moving away. I'm not telling anyone where. I'm not telling anyone with who.. I'm changing my name, email, facebook, phone number, car and residence.. and maybe even my profession ... so I can stay the hell away from the society I've gotten to know a little too well. I'm over this bullshit attachment shit! Abandonment issues my ass.... Wanna see abandonment? I'm abandoning society..

I've never been so fucking serious about anything in my entire fucking life..

Farewell public.  Hello me! I've missed you. 

-LR.

Done, Dead, Dust

Happy mother fucking Cinco de Mayo.

I think I’m finally beginning to hate this month.  I hate Spring because every year it’s a god damned reminder of the worst time of my life. 
Yesterday I heard that fucking Filter song that usually sends me into a whirlpool of fuck you’s .
Last night "Mr. Awesome" said he was a hopeless romantic. I laughed and said yeah right.  A hopeless romantic who doesn’t commit! I’m sure…
He said yeah! I love romance. 

He won't commit.  He just won't and I can't sit hear another day thinking I keep hearing people over there when he's not even home half of the time. I'm losing my fucking mind over a fucking penis.  I just hate that he takes away all of my darkest shadows when he's around and he always does too.  I can't be that for him.  I don't think anyone can.  This is what I get for opening my fucking legs again. This is what I get for giving in! I should have fucking said no! 

Fears, Tears, Sheer Terror...

Hey All.
It's been a while.
A loooong while.
A very long while.

A lot has happened.
Too much.
I'm living in my own apartment now. The same one I had but without my bf cuz I don't have one anymore. Lol. Obviously one could conclude that from the previous post.

As far as "that"person is concerned. We had a bit of few moments and my sister knows now.  Him and I weren't really anything much more after that. I moved.. I moved back.. the EX bf moved.

Around Valentine's Day I went over to "his" apartment cuz I was drunk and drunk texted him that I was horny and well.. that night was probably the best sex I'd ever had.  I've been sleeping over his house pretty much everyday since Feb 15th ish. 

I don't really know what's going on.  He says he never gets attached and that he never wants to commit but then goes back on his word and says everyone just wants someone to love them.  A "harem" so he calls it. 

He says he wants to have sex with other women that way no one gets hurt and that way he can share his love with everyone.  He says it's natural for men to roam about.  "Men fantasize sexually about other women anyway." 

In a way.. I feel like he gives me hope.. but in many other ways.. he's also made me lose it. 

If you can some how picture this.. He's perfect in EVERY way with the exception to the commitment rule he's made with himself. 

He's the best lover I've ever had.  THEE best in bed.  He's sweet. Caring. He's been there for me repeatedly.  He's nice. Funny. Intelligent.  Free Spirited.  Fun.  He has good taste in music. He's cultured. Older. Supportive. Independent. Warm.

I heard him have sex with another girl though our living room walls because his livingroom is directly next to mine.  I heard her moan. I him cum.  It was hurtful. It was around the time of the last post I wrote.  I eventually told him about it sometime at the end of February.  It told him I heard him and I told him I was hurt.  He said he was sorry.  When I asked him what was going on.. he said he just saw everything as us having a good time. 

That still never explained anything.

He said I made him feel vulnerable the first time we had ever hooked up. 

He also told me he was my rebound fling.. I responded with .. yeah.. so much of a rebound that I drank myself a whole bottle of sailor jerry's while I watched you fondle my sister. 

He thought I was still with the ex... I wasn't... but hey.. she's the prettier sister I guess. 

I never feel good enough.  We think a lot alike.. but very different.  I'm a committer.. he's a drifter. 

I'm scared.  I think I've fallen in love with him.. But it scares the fucking shit outta me because I can't fathom the idea of him sleeping with someone else now that we've been sharing a bed for the last 2 months. He made a comment the other day about me not coming back and how he left his front door open all night and how he could have got robbed or killed. He was joking of course.. but I said I wanted to go back to check on him since his light was still on.. but I thought it would be weird to just walk in.. And he said imagine.. I had another one in here..

I said.. "OH HELL NO!!" out of an impulsive response and then said .. I might have joined you! ..

And he was like Yeeeahh!!

I dunno if that was to get a reaction outta me to make me jealous.. which fucking slipped out and it worked.. or if he was serious in which case I semi played along.. but then that part just made me feel... like.. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???

I'm doing things with him I always told myself I would do with my husband.  I don't understand where my logic is right now.  I'm so lost for how I should feel as opposed to how I actually DO feel.  And there's NO WAY I could stomach the moment to tell him how I felt. I avoid it at all costs. I can't tell him how I feel. Not without knowing how he feels first.  I need him to tell me first. I feel like I desperately need to know! But at the same time.. I'm enjoying myself so much with him.. I don't wanna know unless it's something good. I wanna say I have a huge feeling I'm gonna end up really hurt at the end of this.. but if I start to feel that way.. it WILL end. I'm trying to enjoy it.. but I can't just let it come and go everyday.. only for the simple reason that it was an unpredicted idea for him to go fuck some chick on his couch.  Ugh! I hate that feeling of the unknown.  It could happen anytime. He swears that he keeps his numbers down because girls are gross and there are diseases.  But I really don't know what to think about that.. because not only did he easily fuck my sister.. but he had sex with her without a condom and apparently she bled.... "TWICE" he said.. I hate that I know the details of him and my sister fucking.  I hate that I AM attached even though I promised myself I'd never let this happen with him.. I hate that I let him woo me and seduce me.  I always "liked" him. I LOVED his company. He's always been extremely attractive in my eyes.  I've always been attracted to him.  I never wanted to ACTUALLY sleep with him.. at least not like this. I knew that if I ever wanted to continue to maintain a decent connection with him, I'd have to stay outta bed with him. 

I fucked up.

UGH! I'm so confused. His signals are super confusing too.  I feel so lost right now.  It's been driving me insane.  I feel hopeless yet hopeful.  If he courted me tomorrow though... would I freak out? Would I say yes? Would I be happy? Could I ever fully open up to him.  I feel like I know a lot about him.. but at the same time.. I feel like I know nothing about him.. I wonder if he feels this same way about me.. but I dunno.
I don't know if he's disgusted by me or not.  He has no fucking body odor or hair nor does he ever sweat.. All of which I am EXTREMELY insecure about because I have darker hair on my body than most girls, I hate B.O but because I sweat easily it comes out every now and then....

His feet are even perfect and my feet will stink after one long day of hard work...

He makes me feel so inferior to other possibilities but he swears other girls don't want him and those that did in the past only wanted him then because their "perfect" one wasn't available yet.  He was considered second best. 

But not for me.. I'm not them.  But he swears ... All the little things he's obviously insecure about.. I love.. but the things he's good at.. like sex and his features.. are all attractive qualities that he knows, and the other girls know.. so... yeah... what makes me so special to be the one that gets to have them to herself..

I don't think it's gonna happen.. but if it does.. oh will it be a shock ..

and let's say for the worse.. I doubt I'll meet anyone like him again. 

I'm legitimately fearful..

-LR

A Stepping Stone...

I've never broken the "girl rule".  I've had it done to me numerous amounts of time... But never have I done it.. Well... I suppose there is a first time for everything.  Except I did it to my favorite and beloved sister.  I never really wanted anything more than a father [a real one] and a sister.  I finally got super close to her and I've never had a bond like this with any other family member in my whole fucking life.. and well...

I broke the girl rule.  The most fucked up thing.. is that I think my best friend told her.. But I dunno.  I think he thought that she wouldn't care.. because he didn't know how she really felt because she's always joking around... well.. I dunno.  It was weird. 

She texts the "person"... "So, when are you gonna make a move on LR?"

Of course he freaked out because he thought I broke the "pinky promise" .  Well, fuck.. I didn't.. We still hooked up once I told him I didn't freakin tell her anything... And then now.. for the last couple days... he's been completely avoiding me... Lol..


Go figure...

I'm always that girl who calls out your flaws, screams them out, shows you that I know them, and then I accept them.  In time, I make you feel good about them, and then soon enough you embrace them.  Then you gain a whole confidence in yourself while I sit here left in the dust as you take off to the next.

I've always been a stepping stone. 

I don't want to love anyone.  I don't want romance anymore.  I just want to be alone in my little home with my black surroundings, making art, being weird, and hiding.. Fuck people..

Anytime I make a connection... I am always left alone.. Well... I don't give a fuck anymore. That's what my crazy, psycho cat is for.  That's what art is for.  Besides... who really needs people?  I  mean.. temporarily, yeah... but really...

Humans are humans and they always fuck up.. So it's best to just become a hermit and stay away from the gold.  


Expect nothing and you will never be hurt.  Be around nothing and you'll never have to worry about your high expectations from people.

I'm starting to care less and less. When "The Artist" comes back for a moment we can continue our obsessions and create "art" momentarily til he goes back to his domain and keeps to himself as well; sharing images of false realities over email. 

Hopeless.

Hopeless Romantic.

Sleepless.

Sleepless Romantic.

Idealist.

-LR

Keep Running up that Hill...

You just keep running and running... or eating and eating.. or fucking and fucking. He doesn't give a fuck about you.. Are you kidding.. He's only fucking you.  He likes the vibrant personality in her. The innocence.  The sensitivity. The naive personality that one will ruin in the future.. but he can enjoy that for the time being.  Why would he want you?  You... Haha you were easy.  You were simple. You were no challenge.  She was drunk. You weren't. Sure it took him this long... but when he did... you were easy.. It's an exploration. That's what he sees in you. expanding his experience to pleasure someone like her so they can live happily together.. They're just using you. 

I've lost over 12 lbs. I'm back in the 150's again.  My fucking scale is broken and last I checked I was 158 but I'm smaller than I was that day. I'm popping pills like no one's business and smoking like a god damn chimney.   I still haven't made it to therapy. Not since August. I don't want to go. I'm thinner.I'll go back when I lose all my fucking weight and after my senior project show.  And when she asks that fucking question... "Are you eating? Are you restricting? Are you binging and purging?"  ....

Lol. Maybe I'll laugh. Who cares what the fuck I'm doing.  I'm beginning to embrace my flaws.  I have so many.. I might as well stop pretending like everything is going to get better and make them get better just where they are.  I might as well fucking embrace the broken stained porcelain because there is no glue in the world that can clean it and make it new again.. When porcelain brakes, there are chips that fall and no one can find them and place them back perfectly because they are delicate flakes which fade away with the simplest amount of pressure.  There is nothing out there that will make me new a again. I am ruined so embrace it! Display it. Use it. Move it. Make it into art!  Turn it into what you find "beautiful".  It's fucking gross and you know it... but when you put it in a clear acrylic box and throw a bright light above it at an angle, all of a sudden it's worthy of being displayed in the finest of galleries and soon it will be recognized as a beautiful piece of our history. 


but it'll be dead.  Just a broken piece of molded powder....

...dust...

-LR