Fears, Tears, Sheer Terror...

Hey All.
It's been a while.
A loooong while.
A very long while.

A lot has happened.
Too much.
I'm living in my own apartment now. The same one I had but without my bf cuz I don't have one anymore. Lol. Obviously one could conclude that from the previous post.

As far as "that"person is concerned. We had a bit of few moments and my sister knows now.  Him and I weren't really anything much more after that. I moved.. I moved back.. the EX bf moved.

Around Valentine's Day I went over to "his" apartment cuz I was drunk and drunk texted him that I was horny and well.. that night was probably the best sex I'd ever had.  I've been sleeping over his house pretty much everyday since Feb 15th ish. 

I don't really know what's going on.  He says he never gets attached and that he never wants to commit but then goes back on his word and says everyone just wants someone to love them.  A "harem" so he calls it. 

He says he wants to have sex with other women that way no one gets hurt and that way he can share his love with everyone.  He says it's natural for men to roam about.  "Men fantasize sexually about other women anyway." 

In a way.. I feel like he gives me hope.. but in many other ways.. he's also made me lose it. 

If you can some how picture this.. He's perfect in EVERY way with the exception to the commitment rule he's made with himself. 

He's the best lover I've ever had.  THEE best in bed.  He's sweet. Caring. He's been there for me repeatedly.  He's nice. Funny. Intelligent.  Free Spirited.  Fun.  He has good taste in music. He's cultured. Older. Supportive. Independent. Warm.

I heard him have sex with another girl though our living room walls because his livingroom is directly next to mine.  I heard her moan. I him cum.  It was hurtful. It was around the time of the last post I wrote.  I eventually told him about it sometime at the end of February.  It told him I heard him and I told him I was hurt.  He said he was sorry.  When I asked him what was going on.. he said he just saw everything as us having a good time. 

That still never explained anything.

He said I made him feel vulnerable the first time we had ever hooked up. 

He also told me he was my rebound fling.. I responded with .. yeah.. so much of a rebound that I drank myself a whole bottle of sailor jerry's while I watched you fondle my sister. 

He thought I was still with the ex... I wasn't... but hey.. she's the prettier sister I guess. 

I never feel good enough.  We think a lot alike.. but very different.  I'm a committer.. he's a drifter. 

I'm scared.  I think I've fallen in love with him.. But it scares the fucking shit outta me because I can't fathom the idea of him sleeping with someone else now that we've been sharing a bed for the last 2 months. He made a comment the other day about me not coming back and how he left his front door open all night and how he could have got robbed or killed. He was joking of course.. but I said I wanted to go back to check on him since his light was still on.. but I thought it would be weird to just walk in.. And he said imagine.. I had another one in here..

I said.. "OH HELL NO!!" out of an impulsive response and then said .. I might have joined you! ..

And he was like Yeeeahh!!

I dunno if that was to get a reaction outta me to make me jealous.. which fucking slipped out and it worked.. or if he was serious in which case I semi played along.. but then that part just made me feel... like.. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???

I'm doing things with him I always told myself I would do with my husband.  I don't understand where my logic is right now.  I'm so lost for how I should feel as opposed to how I actually DO feel.  And there's NO WAY I could stomach the moment to tell him how I felt. I avoid it at all costs. I can't tell him how I feel. Not without knowing how he feels first.  I need him to tell me first. I feel like I desperately need to know! But at the same time.. I'm enjoying myself so much with him.. I don't wanna know unless it's something good. I wanna say I have a huge feeling I'm gonna end up really hurt at the end of this.. but if I start to feel that way.. it WILL end. I'm trying to enjoy it.. but I can't just let it come and go everyday.. only for the simple reason that it was an unpredicted idea for him to go fuck some chick on his couch.  Ugh! I hate that feeling of the unknown.  It could happen anytime. He swears that he keeps his numbers down because girls are gross and there are diseases.  But I really don't know what to think about that.. because not only did he easily fuck my sister.. but he had sex with her without a condom and apparently she bled.... "TWICE" he said.. I hate that I know the details of him and my sister fucking.  I hate that I AM attached even though I promised myself I'd never let this happen with him.. I hate that I let him woo me and seduce me.  I always "liked" him. I LOVED his company. He's always been extremely attractive in my eyes.  I've always been attracted to him.  I never wanted to ACTUALLY sleep with him.. at least not like this. I knew that if I ever wanted to continue to maintain a decent connection with him, I'd have to stay outta bed with him. 

I fucked up.

UGH! I'm so confused. His signals are super confusing too.  I feel so lost right now.  It's been driving me insane.  I feel hopeless yet hopeful.  If he courted me tomorrow though... would I freak out? Would I say yes? Would I be happy? Could I ever fully open up to him.  I feel like I know a lot about him.. but at the same time.. I feel like I know nothing about him.. I wonder if he feels this same way about me.. but I dunno.
I don't know if he's disgusted by me or not.  He has no fucking body odor or hair nor does he ever sweat.. All of which I am EXTREMELY insecure about because I have darker hair on my body than most girls, I hate B.O but because I sweat easily it comes out every now and then....

His feet are even perfect and my feet will stink after one long day of hard work...

He makes me feel so inferior to other possibilities but he swears other girls don't want him and those that did in the past only wanted him then because their "perfect" one wasn't available yet.  He was considered second best. 

But not for me.. I'm not them.  But he swears ... All the little things he's obviously insecure about.. I love.. but the things he's good at.. like sex and his features.. are all attractive qualities that he knows, and the other girls know.. so... yeah... what makes me so special to be the one that gets to have them to herself..

I don't think it's gonna happen.. but if it does.. oh will it be a shock ..

and let's say for the worse.. I doubt I'll meet anyone like him again. 

I'm legitimately fearful..

-LR