Mommy Dearest...

"Mother knows best"

Right? I mean, isn't your mother supposed to be your 'role model'? Isn't she supposed to set the bar for what you're supposed to be as an adult?

My mother was 20 when she had me.  She was young and single and hurt.  My grandmother provided a place to live to ensure my safety. When my mother met my step father I was 5 years old.  We went and lived with him in Hollywood in some ghetto studio apartment and from that day forward my life would change forever.

My grandmother's house was a safe haven. A place where meals were finished when I was full; colors I wore were an expression of my creativity and I was spoken to like an adult.  When I was afraid I would go sleep with my mother or my grandmother because it felt safe to not be alone.   When we left, I was forced to finish meals, I was told I had to wait to drink water til my meal was done so I wouldn't get "tool full". It was agonizing to swallow to some foods with a dry mouth.

My mom and I tried to live in our own apartment and the first night we spent the night there was a drive by shooting which shot up our entire top floor to the complex.  [it was two stories; we lived down stairs]  She woke me from sleep and threw me on the ground and covered me.  I thought I had done something wrong because when I tried to get up she yelled at me.

When we moved to Hollywood, I told her I wanted to sleep with her because it was a new place with a new man in it I didn't know.. and he told me to sleep on the couch and HE slept with my mom.  After being there for a few months I woke up to them having sex on the couch that was across from the one I slept on and hated her for letting him do that to her.

My mom worked a lot during this time and usually I would be safe with grandma or in school.. but at this time she would leave me with him and his other male room mate who both were 22 and annoyed by my open mouthed opinions and ability to stick up for myself.  One time I was talking back to him he dunked my head in the toilet and then lied to mother when I told her what happened. She believed him.  We went to the movies one day and he told me we were going to see Snow White, but really went and saw Menace II Society in theaters. I knew the movies had bad parts so I closed my eyes the whole time.  I hated him.  I began to show abandonment issues at this time and began hoarding and hiding trash from the bathroom and trash from the kitchen so as to save things we could use later.  One day he went through all my things and threw away what ever HE thought was trash and I screamed and cried the whole time. I was devastated.  Those were MY things.

We went to the mall once.  I felt someone touch my butt. Right at the bottom where your butt touches your naughty parts. I turned around and said HEY! You touched my butt! and he said," I thought you were your mother."  Those words haunted me until I was 11 and I eventually blocked this and, the fact that I'd occasionally wake up with out panties on, out of my memory.

When I was 6 we moved to Pasadena and my brother was born.  When he was 3 or 4 months old my mother was working again and so was my step dad.  We had an old man living with us that was a friend of his family.  He took this gentleman somewhere and left me alone with my new brother.  My bother woke up and began screaming.  I had no idea how to make a bottle. I had no idea how to take care of baby. I was so scared.  I figured out how to call my mom at work and she came home mad at my step dad.  I still felt responsible because I didn't know how to make a bottle. I should have watched her better.

We moved to another house when I was 7. We had a cousin move there too.  He hit her there.  He smacked her.  They would argue a lot. even in Hollywood.  He hit her in Hollywood too. She hit him too.  But this time, when I was 7, it pissed off our cousin, who I loved dearly and he moved.  When I was 8 we moved to another house in Pasadena.  This is when my life was different forever.   I began going on stupid auditions because they were all in "the business".  They would make me act out scripts and then laugh at my Spanish.. because I was never taught.  I felt alone a lot.  We had nannies since I was 6 and my brother was born.  I watched our nanny keep my brother's head under water too long when she would give him baths and I never told anyone because I liked that she taught me how to cook and how to iron my clothes and didn't want to get her in trouble.  One day we came home from some place [ I forgot where or what we were doing]  and they were arguing in front of me.  He threw a hand towel at her face and raised his hand to her and I lunged onto him and beat his face and scratched him.  He took me into the bedroom, threw me against the wall in the corner and hit my face so hard he split my cheek open.  I wasn't allowed to go to school for 2 days because my mother was afraid of the school reporting it.  This was the beginning......

She got mad at me for attacking him ...



I can't keep going right now.... I'm numb.

The Start of my New Beginning...

It's amazing how power you have when you're focused and not distracted by bullshit. 

When you have no in around you, you can focus on you.  This is what is needed.  

Perhaps it's my inner "ana" perhaps it's my vision. 

I woke up to weigh myself this morning and because I've been completely distracted by this guy for so long.. the batteries were dead... Pathetic.  I maintain control anyway. 

The "boy" asked me to make a Starbucks run which is usually my weakness with the smell of the delicious sugar pastries.. but then I grew up. I grew balls.. This is why I never get what I want.. because I'm so weak. 

BREAK:::: Did anyone notice.. the boy.. is still in the picture.. he hasn't been leaving me be.. he's like checking in more often.. This is not me... by the way.. I'm just being cordial.. because he's my next door neighbor. I love him.. I can't lie.. but I'm not allowed to love him. So I can't give in.. 

I was strong. While I got him all the sugary-bacony foods and drinks ... I got a Venti Iced Americano .. no room.. no sweetener.. [0]The taste was mesmorizing. It takes me back to my "good"days.... I was so close...

Today.. I've had a Thai salad... I only ate half before I got grossed out on all the calories.  [330] [660 for the whole].  

It's still more calories than I want today.. but I also don't want to fall into a super crave over load.. All I ate yesterday was the lamb sandwich.. which again was too many calories [XXX].. but I didn't eat until after 10pm yesterday.. 

My Rules: Organic only.. if it's not organic and if I cant count count it.. I don't eat it.  

I'm drinking a mini fruit juice.. it has 110 calories in it but it's acai. It'll boost my metabolism so I binge tonight when we go to coffee.. I've avoided the friends for 3 days.. they're worried.. I feel like I owe to them to go.. I just have to be strong and fight eating.. which should be fine considering that they have gross fat food. 

I suppose I've been struggling with my Type A personality and my Type B settling point of view.. from when I killed myself.. When I died.. I killed the Type A.. I need to wake up. This is why I'm gross. This is why Seth fucked my sister first. I'm so far away from what I really am.  Bones hiding in a ball of huge fat in a messy apartment.. disorganized.. messy.. it's annoying.. I get no respect from anyone in my life... and ^THIS is why.. 

When I get everything in order... when I finally feel my bones again.. When I am empty of everything and then I will have to fill myself with perfection and with that comes respect. 

What are you willing to give? What are you willing to sacrifice to obtain the things you really want? 

Everything. 

As an artist I've learned that you have to give it all up to get what you need for fulfillment.  If that means it's time to give up food... then so be it.  Fuck it. Let my body eat away the fat I've built up from feeling sorry for myself.. No one is going to understand your depression.. If you are depressed ... don't open up. No one give a flying fuck. No one cares about what you've been through.. no one cares about the abuse. No one cares about anything.. No one is going to hug you and tell you everything is okay.. So you have to get over it and get rid of it... Empty out your heart. Purge it all! 

Everything will come in time if you stay strong.  Don't allow life to consume you.. Don't allow life to make you consume... 

Be Strong. 

Be in control 

Take control. 

You will be perfect and everyone will love the new you..... 

Watch! 

-LR. 

Self Control: The Resurrected...

I told Seth today that he was right.
It's time to move on. That he wasn't ready for love and that I would find someone who appreciated me as much as I appreciate him.

I said it all nicely so we could part ways like adults and so he wouldn't feel guilty going back to the life he missed while I was ruining it with my presence.

It's all a lie..

He asked if I was okay.. I said yeah. I didn't cry. I can't anymore. There is no point in crying over the things you cannot control. People are dead.. crying won't bring them back. People leave.. crying doesn't bring them back. Nothing does.

I've been MIA from my family for a week.. I told them all I wasn't going to come around anymore since they all like to talk shit to me when I do and since they never take my sensitivity into consideration but expect me to do it for them.

Everyone is really good at letting me know that they're not as sensitive as Miss Lisa Rowe.. So, as a result.. I vanished.  My aunt called me the other day.. I didn't return her phone call. My 2 friends texted me yesterday.. I didn't respond until threats came from my friend Shancy.  He said he was coming over and since I was in a disgusting outfit from the night before.. I told him I was fine [lie] and he offered coffee.. I said maybe... When I finally took the offer at 8:30 pm he then told me he had work in the morning.. I went to coffee alone again. I just picked up food and came home. I ate with Seth... acted like nothing was wrong ... and came home.

I picked up Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson... a book I started like 2 years ago and never finished.. I'm almost done. Talk about triggers..

It made all the pain rise and it made all the pain fall.. It just reminded me that I need to be strong. That I need to be in control of my life and that no one dictates my life. I only ate tonight because I care too much about Seth and for some reason can't lie to him about food. I had a sandwich [gyro] on french bread with n tomatoes and extra tsazhiki sauce.... It's my usual at the cafe.. They've saved it as "my sandwich" at the cafe... what a fucking fatty.. I also had a salad with italian dressing and an iced latte with 5 equals.

I know now what I have to do.  I can't let this world I'm in dictate me and tell me what to do. I can't handle it. I can't handle love. I can't handle anger. I can't handle sadness. I can't handle anything. So I'm doing away with all of it.

I took a test to become a teacher.  My  test results come on the 23rd and soon I'll have a job again.  I won't need help financially.  I'll be here in my apartment all alone without anyone focusing in on what "Lisa" is doing.  I am vanishing.

If I'm going to live in a world I do not understand while being misunderstood then I shall vanish.  Without any distractions I'll be just fine.  Doing what I need to do.. "Taking care of me" is what they all want.. right?  Well, I'm going to take care of me the best way I know how to take care of me.... And I don't.

No one cares that I am afraid... No one cares that I am alone. No one cares how I feel so why should I care about how they all feel. I am vanishing. Disappearing.

I am not good enough for love... If I was I would have it in my life.  My mother is, ironically, the only person to whom I'm speaking.  She asked me what she should do if she wants to see me... [This is my mother, by the way, asking her daughter what to do if she wants to see her...]  I told her she will have to drive up and come see me.  She drove to see the new guy in her life who lives 20 minutes away.. I'm sure she can make a detour to see her own daughter...

Yeah, right... who am I fooling. She has only visited me once since I've moved from her house... and it was as a result of a huge argument that ended with ultimatums of her visiting me or never speaking to me again..

She won't come..

I have no one anymore.. Maybe it is by choice... but it's my fucking life.. and If I should choose to disappear to save the world from being inconvenienced and made miserable by my sheer existence... then it is I who will take it upon myself to no longer exist.

27 years of torment.. I think I finally caught the gist...


My apartment is almost clean and so is my life.. As soon as the apartment is done... My body is the next thing to declutter, purge, and cleanse.. and then.. my life.. will all come together as one vanished soul... depleting by the day and soon.. my heart will stop and there will be absolutely no space being occupied by misery.

At least I have a plan for my life... which is a lot more than I can say for everyone else.. considering mine is more realistic and actually in the works...

I mistakenly texted my first ex the other day and found out he's engaged and getting married in June.  My heart shattered a bit.. it did but it didn't.. it was just a reality check that all chances of ever having those stupid dreams come true were all down the drain and that life is finally moving forward again without me.  Everything around me is moving so fast and I can't keep up.

Seth thinks I believe I'm wasting my time with him.. No... I'm wasting his.  He will never know me.. he will only see my weakness and believe what it is I show him... So maybe when I disappear he'll be happy with his singledom and one night stands again and he'll be peaceful.. He won't have some crazy childish girl keeping him all night.

Well, at least one of us will be happy.  I made a stupid online dating profile.. and I already can't stand it.. I think I'll delete it. I deleted my Facebook. It's probably why everyone is worried. I figured I would just play pretend happy and "busy" and maybe they'll just leave me alone.. It's like.. where were you when I needed all of you? Where were you when I called? Where were you when I asked for you?  Now I show signs to be worried about and you care now? Too late... I don't care anymore.. I've already shut off.  My walls are higher than they've ever been and I don't think anyone is getting in this time.  The gates are closed..

The 2 times I have fallen in love have almost killed me.. the first one, we think, did.. I woke up to sirens in ICU and bunch of nurses standing around me telling me the monitor didn't pick up my pulse because it was too low.. [That's code for "You died."] the wonderful factor came about in a conversation about 3 weeks ago with me and my mom's best friend.. We both concluded that I died... It's like she knew that secret the whole time but everyone let me believe that the sleeping pill they gave me, made me sleep so hard that my pulse was just really low.... As a stupid 15 year old and as a stupid 27 year old with a 15 year old brain.. I still believed the lie..

I died.

I've died again.. but this time I've died emotionally.  I don't know if my body can handle being put through that again so I won't do anything too drastic.. I just want to starve and fade and slowly fall into a coma in my sleep.. because I know no one will find me for months.. Because no one is here. I am alone..


"A woman without love wilts faster than a flower without the sun."

I have been wilting since I was 13.

control.
control.
self control.
self control.

I am resurrected.  I am resurrected.
reborn.
reborn.
a rebirth of self control.
a rebirth of self control.

I can't deny myself of it anymore. I can't live for them anymore..

I have no idea where this life will take me.. I have no idea where I will lead this life..
but I don't care.  I'm doing me. I'm doing me the best way I know how with the tools I have learned from never being taught... from never being truly loved.

All that I've loved.. I've lost. But everythig happens for a reason, right?

I was meant to be alone. I was meant to die alone.

I used to save bloody Q-tips when I was 5 years old after we moved out into my step-father's studio apartment in Hollywood. I thought we could reuse them. I didn't want to throw anything away because we could have a use for it.  You know, just in case.  I learned later that these were signs of abandonment.. they threw away the things I saved right in front of my face and it was devastating.. They threw away my stuff. They threw away my love. They threw away my heart. They threw away my soul.

Buddy is getting married in June.  Seth will never love me.

It's amazing how easy it is to love those who break us.  How hard we fall for the very people who take  away our power; our control.  How easy it is to get lost in the eyes of what once was a sweet man... How easy we get caught in the web of love - unable to escape.  Reality becomes skewed.  Everything is broken.  Everything becomes callused. Life fades and reappears ... but it comes back too late and you're not ready to grow up.

Not today. Not tomorrow.

Never.

So, I vanish.
Disappear.
Dust.

My heart no longer aches... it is numb.
I am numb.

I am in control.

To die in my little lifeless world of what I define as 'perfection' ... a new perfection..

-LR

death

It's time for a drastic change.
I'm sick of feeling and being alone.
I'm tired of being walked on and taken advantage of.
I'm tired of my life.
I'm tired of everything.
I'm tired of breathing.
I'm tired of waking up.
I'm tired of love.
I'm tired of family.
I'm tired of friends.
I'm tired of the whole world.
I'm sick of or analyzing everything.
I'm tired of the unknown.
I'm tired of the known.
I'm tired of being bored.
I'm tired of loving.
I'm tired of hating.
I'm tired of indifference.
I'm tired of caring.
I'm tired of being the only one who ends up with the shit end of the stick every time life has a stick to throw into the road.
I'm tired of all things.
I'm tired of this life.
I'm ready for the next one .
No one can hear me.
No one listens.
No one is here.
No one ever will be.
My world is a silent desuetude, where the winds are dead and the crickets sleep.  There are no birds here. There is only darkness at every hour. Every chance at a light is quickly diminished and I end up in an even darker hole.  My sanity if broken. My dignity is hallowed.  My strength is tested.  My rope is tearing and my lungs are bursting.  I can't hold in any longer. There is no longer a thought of "if" but rather "when" I will jump and "how".  I have no anchor.  I have no outlet. I have no voice.  I'm am alone in a box.  Screaming. Begging.  Pathetically crying..I have no will anymore. I have no more hope.  I am alone.  As lonely as it gets.  This is why girls become lost.  This is why women become whores. This is why women become beasts of the night and tyrants by the day.  Why we become bitches and assholes with wrinkles and sticks up our asses.  Because we are not loved and because we are alone.

I will never allow my heart to be trampled on again.  I will never allow anyone in again.  I am solely an actress.  A fortress of lies because the truth cannot be loved.  I am nothing but a show.  encore......

and fuck you! Fuck all of it.  What am I working for?  a desert of used tears? To be ridiculed and mocked? to be told again that I'm not good enough?

I don't give a fuck anymore.  Why should I? I have no family! I have no friends. I barely have an audience anymore.. Why should I give a fuck? for me? If it were up to me.. I'd have offed myself years ago because I only live to please others.  I don't need to please myself... I like myself. I love myself. This life sucks .. why would I want to continue living it if I'm the one suffering?? I don't want to live anymore and therefore I shouldn't  have to. Everyone wants me to do the things I want to do... Well, I want to die.

i am the forgotten...

The world has taken away my power.

There is no eager pull anymore with which to do the things I have always intended to do. 

At some point I'd reach out to anonymous audiences,  I'd reach out to well known audiences.  My audiences is scarce now that I'm getting older.  It's the scariest thing to know that you'll be alone.  It's been a terrifying fear my through out my entire life.  And now that it's all dwindling as I'm getting older, where do I go from here? 

Where do I find the drive that once kept me independent and happy? Where do I find the courage to be alone and be okay?  The world is scary and terrible.  There are many mean, jealous, envying individuals.  This is the time in my life where I should be blossoming and I feel less than every woman I see.  I feel like I'm decomposing at an exponential level and I feel pulled to the ground, unable to lift back up and take flight.  I have people who are rooting for me.  I have the world to impress and have nothing to bring to the table anymore. 

Many would ask why I'm bitching.. I have a degree right? I have a home right? 

What good are these things if I cannot enjoy them?  I am alone and lonely.  Lonely me... Whoa is me.  Why am I always feeling sorry for myself? 

Why do I feel so much pain?  Where can I comfortably worry without the fear of being judged, rejected, or invisible?  I feel unworthy.  I lack hope.  I'm overwhelmed by all of my life and I've never been able to cope.  At least not correctly.  I feel like a 27 year old adult with a child's brain.  I can't escape the draining thoughts.  I can't escape anything. I feel no control.  I feel no power anymore.  Men used to empower me.  But now I am "around"  man [because I doubt I will ever be with him]  that constantly lets me know that while I am pathetically in love with him, I am setting myself up for failure and rejection.  Why can't I even just have it?  Why can't I ever just get it?   Why do I always have to love and lose?  He's a man who has never loved at all.  And I have never in life felt some much for someone who wasn't a part of my family.  Because he is so bitter, he takes it all away from me  My final efforts.  My open, wounded heart.  I've allowed him to tread in the depths of my deepest desires and for what?  For another rejected, soon to be part of the past? 

I wondered for years how long it would take to get over my first love.  I fell in love with him and the thought of that one is completely gone.  So now what? How do I get over the best man I've ever had in my life? He takes care of me, and gives me money..I sleep with him at night and hold him when I want, but that kiss.  How do I forget the kisses?  The tender nights when he held me close? When he was mine for a moment?  I loved him.  I deeply loved him.  I let my body be his and I shared so much of deepest self with him.  I can't take that back.  I wish I could throw it all away.  I wish I could just delete it all from my memory because the pain it's going have on my heart is devastating.  To each his own theory as to how and why the universe works the way it does.. but I'm telling you that this kind of pain had killed me once in the past and I didn't come close to loving this hard.  The passion. I had that passion again. but he was never mine.  Is it that the best was in the beginning and now the rest of my life in boring and dull because I gave it all away too soon?  When will I love again?  Why can't I love him? 

I read in many books and in many of my religious studies that love is never a bad thing.  That it is okay to love even if you are not loved.  As long as you are loving everything is fine.. I shouldn't take it personal if I tell someone I love you and they cannot handle it.. but how easy is that?  How easy can that be for a heart that has taken so many blows?  I never thought I would ever love again..The last one ended in 2004.  I shut off entirely.  I've been dead.  I've been soulless.  Passionless.  No desire.  I was driven by education out of what felt like obligation.  I fought to get through and now that I'm on the other side why can't I love again?  Where did all of these insecurities come from?  Where am I hiding?  

You'd be an idiot if you think I'm looking for the easy way out.  I've never had it easy and I'm never taking that route, because what is there to learn from it? 

He said that Valentine's Day should be celebrated with a singles party because that seemed more fun that a couple's night.  "The losers in a room... Well, they're not losers.."  

Yes, they are.  You spoke before thinking.  You want someone else. Someone better. My love wasn't enough and you never even gave it a chance to really speak.  You've swept the top of the tip of it's peak and you still turned in down when you felt what I felt in that moment.  You're taking away my heart.  

I cannot be who I want to be because I want to love.  I want to give.  I want to be.  It's never okay for me to be.  That's why I stopped being.  My thunder has been silenced to many times and now I just suffer.  I am sad.  Love has been ripped out of my chest and parts of my soul with it.  I'm am broken. Torn. Abandoned by all I've ever loved and here I am.  

Where do I go?  What do I do?  I have no love in my life.  Everyone has disappeared. The universe is obviously telling me that I am not supposed to love anyone.  So therefor, I will allow the rest of my life to be what it will.  An endless, passionless, hole of empty fire that has become a solemn den of cold stone and dust.  Ashes upon the ground, an empty soul vessel no one will find and no one will fill.  I have 2 painful gashes across my ribs from the love I once gave and the swords that so easily sliced them away.  I am a breathing carcass, dreaming of what will never be.  Do I give up or do I hope for change?  I cannot find myself in this same situation because I am not a fool.. Or perhaps I am for allowing myself to be fooled twice.  Touche, love.  You win. Check and mate.  Life is easy when you're numb.  

When will that day come when I'm surprised? I don't know why I cry when pain is to be expected.  Why am I always surprised?  Maybe he's right.  I shouldn't set myself up anymore.  I should pull back and disappear.  He's taken away my light.  A love gone will kill anyone.  When love dies it is the worst.  When you give so much to be let down by so many.  Why can't he just go away?  He'll never let me down when it comes to finances, but is that really what I want? No. I'd rather be homeless and in love than rich with no love at all.. Not many women can say that.  not many American women.  

I watch people and their smiles.  I watched endlessly and wish I knew what it was like.  I know that behind every smile there have been tears.  Just like behind every adult was once a child.  I don't easily feel intimidated.  Perhaps I'm too intimidating.  Maybe I'm too much.  But why is that bad?  I don't think there are men who exist for a woman like me.  I'm not willing to wait anymore either.  I'm not willing to look because I have found what I want.  Two times.  And both times after they fade... I am finding myself settling.  Settling into the air... and just being carried with the wind of nothingness.  There is no depth to the world.  I give up.  Love died with the Renaissance.  All its garnishes are in museums.  All of its people are dead.  

Again, where do I go? What do I do?  Beauty is not enough to tame me.  Promises aren't either.  Why can't I just keep what I find to be the entire package?  I am a blunt blade fighting armies.  I'm done for.  I'm at my end.  My soul is crying.  I am losing everything.  Love is a fucked thing.  Actually, no, Love is not fucked up.  People are.  People have destroyed love.  People have ruined people.  I don't belong here.  So I'll hide.  Inside.  Alone.  Guarded.  Quiet.  Uninterrupted.  Full.  I am the gem.  And no one can have me now. I am not a fighter, I am a lover of all and a loyal romantic.  But now I am hidden.  I am gone. Dust.  Shhh 

Quiet.  Don't knock on my door.  Don't call me on the phone.  Don't speak my name.  I am nameless. Without a shadow, I am here.  Crumbling away in my home.  I have stories,  I have tales.  They are unbelievable.  They are adventures.. but they are only old tales of my past. Never dream come trues of the future.  Where is this journey taking me?  It's taking me into a dark place of hand written hypothetical [s].   You will only read my story but you will never know me.  Ti's better to love and be loved, than to love and lost [twice].  There be no fire here anymore.  I am torn.  And my fate is bringing me to my knees.  I have been forgotten, taken for granted, and wilted.  Plucked from gardens you would only see on television.  I am sore.  My petals are faded.  There is no more color left in their roots.  I am gone.  Dead inside and living in agonizing pain crusting my heart and calcifying my soul.  I want to breathe... But there are no more breaths for me to take.  I can't wait to be released.  I can't wait to go away.  I can't to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams for the rest of eternity.  Death is not as sad as the world presumes.  Sadness for ones death is a selfish desire.  Death is the only relief of suffering.  It is the only cure to true pain.  So when I eternally close my eyes, do not weep, for I will be smiling a million smiles and I will be sailing in the deepest oceans of love.  I will never look back and wish I was back here because I will no longer want to suffer.  I will be at peace and my mind will no longer dive into tragedy.  I will no longer cry because the love filled ocean will be my tears shed for the love I had to give.  Don't fear the reaper.  

27 and counting...

It's the moment in your life when you realize that there is no more "other person" to idealize because you'll just find something else wrong with them because you're over critical of them because you're also over critical of yourself.  You see things as: "if you were thin, all of these problems would dissipate because your life would be organized and good again." Why does it seem that when shit hits the fan, you know that life would be much better as a skinny girl?  Probably because when it really comes down to it, I won't be satisfied til I'm thin.  I could have the best guy in the world, the best place to live, all the pretty dresses and shoes and furniture and ambiance, but I won't be entirely satisfied until I'm thin.

I have my degree.  I live alone.[Kinda, I have a temporary room-mate]  Seth and I are good [for now]. I can sleep at home peacefully now.  I got promoted.  Shouldn't I be happy? No.. My hair is too short and I'm fat.  I think what it really comes down to, is that motivation.   I had it and I was so close and then I gave up and got fat again. I tried to be healthy and "do it the right way", then I stopped taking diet pills and blew up like a fucking balloon. I hate my life. Why can't I just get shit together?

And every time I vent to someone, they try to tell me how to change it as though they completely understand the circumstances I'm in. It's called depression.. You don't want to move, you don't want to think, you don't want to be around people, you just want love and warmth and no pity.  Everyone either feels pity for you, or they give you tough love thinking that's what you need, when really you're just getting beat down.  Seth is really good at that tough love shit and it doesn't work, it makes me worse.

I'm caving. I'm just drowning on all my misery and I have no escape.   I want to get out of my shit hole of a life so bad and it always comes down to starving myself because I can't seem to get anything else done right.  Apparently, I can't even do that right.  I was doing well for so long and then I just gave up and got happy and let someone take charge. I took advice, I tried to get healthy because that's how "adults" are supposed to live, but maybe I don't want to BE an adult. Maybe I wanna be young because I never got to live my youth.  I'm tired of being what everyone wants me to be when really I just want to be clean and tidy, neat, quiet perfect, charming, smart an successful. I just want everyone to aspire to be like me when right now I feel like everyone wants to put in their two cents about how I should be living my life... including my temporary roommate who is living on MY COUCH! like really? How the fuck are you going to tell me how to live my life when you live in my dining room? Like FUCK! I feel like my age is ten years behind but then other days I feel like my age is ten years ahead.. I grew up too fast and now I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore because nothing fits.. cuz life never stopped ticking .. I did.  Maybe that's the universe's way of telling me to fuck everyone and do what I want. I can now and it's no one's business but my own.  I just wish I had the money to be who I want.. I need a new job.. badly. I hope I can find one that will pay me what I need and be in my field. FML...

No one warns you about this shit!

empty

I suppose no one reads these anymore, huh?

I would assume it's due to my lack of progress.

I wouldn't follow a fat cow either..

Nor a pathetic excuse for a 27 year old who can make decisions for herself nor take care of herself.