Self Control: The Resurrected...

I told Seth today that he was right.
It's time to move on. That he wasn't ready for love and that I would find someone who appreciated me as much as I appreciate him.

I said it all nicely so we could part ways like adults and so he wouldn't feel guilty going back to the life he missed while I was ruining it with my presence.

It's all a lie..

He asked if I was okay.. I said yeah. I didn't cry. I can't anymore. There is no point in crying over the things you cannot control. People are dead.. crying won't bring them back. People leave.. crying doesn't bring them back. Nothing does.

I've been MIA from my family for a week.. I told them all I wasn't going to come around anymore since they all like to talk shit to me when I do and since they never take my sensitivity into consideration but expect me to do it for them.

Everyone is really good at letting me know that they're not as sensitive as Miss Lisa Rowe.. So, as a result.. I vanished.  My aunt called me the other day.. I didn't return her phone call. My 2 friends texted me yesterday.. I didn't respond until threats came from my friend Shancy.  He said he was coming over and since I was in a disgusting outfit from the night before.. I told him I was fine [lie] and he offered coffee.. I said maybe... When I finally took the offer at 8:30 pm he then told me he had work in the morning.. I went to coffee alone again. I just picked up food and came home. I ate with Seth... acted like nothing was wrong ... and came home.

I picked up Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson... a book I started like 2 years ago and never finished.. I'm almost done. Talk about triggers..

It made all the pain rise and it made all the pain fall.. It just reminded me that I need to be strong. That I need to be in control of my life and that no one dictates my life. I only ate tonight because I care too much about Seth and for some reason can't lie to him about food. I had a sandwich [gyro] on french bread with n tomatoes and extra tsazhiki sauce.... It's my usual at the cafe.. They've saved it as "my sandwich" at the cafe... what a fucking fatty.. I also had a salad with italian dressing and an iced latte with 5 equals.

I know now what I have to do.  I can't let this world I'm in dictate me and tell me what to do. I can't handle it. I can't handle love. I can't handle anger. I can't handle sadness. I can't handle anything. So I'm doing away with all of it.

I took a test to become a teacher.  My  test results come on the 23rd and soon I'll have a job again.  I won't need help financially.  I'll be here in my apartment all alone without anyone focusing in on what "Lisa" is doing.  I am vanishing.

If I'm going to live in a world I do not understand while being misunderstood then I shall vanish.  Without any distractions I'll be just fine.  Doing what I need to do.. "Taking care of me" is what they all want.. right?  Well, I'm going to take care of me the best way I know how to take care of me.... And I don't.

No one cares that I am afraid... No one cares that I am alone. No one cares how I feel so why should I care about how they all feel. I am vanishing. Disappearing.

I am not good enough for love... If I was I would have it in my life.  My mother is, ironically, the only person to whom I'm speaking.  She asked me what she should do if she wants to see me... [This is my mother, by the way, asking her daughter what to do if she wants to see her...]  I told her she will have to drive up and come see me.  She drove to see the new guy in her life who lives 20 minutes away.. I'm sure she can make a detour to see her own daughter...

Yeah, right... who am I fooling. She has only visited me once since I've moved from her house... and it was as a result of a huge argument that ended with ultimatums of her visiting me or never speaking to me again..

She won't come..

I have no one anymore.. Maybe it is by choice... but it's my fucking life.. and If I should choose to disappear to save the world from being inconvenienced and made miserable by my sheer existence... then it is I who will take it upon myself to no longer exist.

27 years of torment.. I think I finally caught the gist...


My apartment is almost clean and so is my life.. As soon as the apartment is done... My body is the next thing to declutter, purge, and cleanse.. and then.. my life.. will all come together as one vanished soul... depleting by the day and soon.. my heart will stop and there will be absolutely no space being occupied by misery.

At least I have a plan for my life... which is a lot more than I can say for everyone else.. considering mine is more realistic and actually in the works...

I mistakenly texted my first ex the other day and found out he's engaged and getting married in June.  My heart shattered a bit.. it did but it didn't.. it was just a reality check that all chances of ever having those stupid dreams come true were all down the drain and that life is finally moving forward again without me.  Everything around me is moving so fast and I can't keep up.

Seth thinks I believe I'm wasting my time with him.. No... I'm wasting his.  He will never know me.. he will only see my weakness and believe what it is I show him... So maybe when I disappear he'll be happy with his singledom and one night stands again and he'll be peaceful.. He won't have some crazy childish girl keeping him all night.

Well, at least one of us will be happy.  I made a stupid online dating profile.. and I already can't stand it.. I think I'll delete it. I deleted my Facebook. It's probably why everyone is worried. I figured I would just play pretend happy and "busy" and maybe they'll just leave me alone.. It's like.. where were you when I needed all of you? Where were you when I called? Where were you when I asked for you?  Now I show signs to be worried about and you care now? Too late... I don't care anymore.. I've already shut off.  My walls are higher than they've ever been and I don't think anyone is getting in this time.  The gates are closed..

The 2 times I have fallen in love have almost killed me.. the first one, we think, did.. I woke up to sirens in ICU and bunch of nurses standing around me telling me the monitor didn't pick up my pulse because it was too low.. [That's code for "You died."] the wonderful factor came about in a conversation about 3 weeks ago with me and my mom's best friend.. We both concluded that I died... It's like she knew that secret the whole time but everyone let me believe that the sleeping pill they gave me, made me sleep so hard that my pulse was just really low.... As a stupid 15 year old and as a stupid 27 year old with a 15 year old brain.. I still believed the lie..

I died.

I've died again.. but this time I've died emotionally.  I don't know if my body can handle being put through that again so I won't do anything too drastic.. I just want to starve and fade and slowly fall into a coma in my sleep.. because I know no one will find me for months.. Because no one is here. I am alone..


"A woman without love wilts faster than a flower without the sun."

I have been wilting since I was 13.

control.
control.
self control.
self control.

I am resurrected.  I am resurrected.
reborn.
reborn.
a rebirth of self control.
a rebirth of self control.

I can't deny myself of it anymore. I can't live for them anymore..

I have no idea where this life will take me.. I have no idea where I will lead this life..
but I don't care.  I'm doing me. I'm doing me the best way I know how with the tools I have learned from never being taught... from never being truly loved.

All that I've loved.. I've lost. But everythig happens for a reason, right?

I was meant to be alone. I was meant to die alone.

I used to save bloody Q-tips when I was 5 years old after we moved out into my step-father's studio apartment in Hollywood. I thought we could reuse them. I didn't want to throw anything away because we could have a use for it.  You know, just in case.  I learned later that these were signs of abandonment.. they threw away the things I saved right in front of my face and it was devastating.. They threw away my stuff. They threw away my love. They threw away my heart. They threw away my soul.

Buddy is getting married in June.  Seth will never love me.

It's amazing how easy it is to love those who break us.  How hard we fall for the very people who take  away our power; our control.  How easy it is to get lost in the eyes of what once was a sweet man... How easy we get caught in the web of love - unable to escape.  Reality becomes skewed.  Everything is broken.  Everything becomes callused. Life fades and reappears ... but it comes back too late and you're not ready to grow up.

Not today. Not tomorrow.

Never.

So, I vanish.
Disappear.
Dust.

My heart no longer aches... it is numb.
I am numb.

I am in control.

To die in my little lifeless world of what I define as 'perfection' ... a new perfection..

-LR