The Start of my New Beginning...

It's amazing how power you have when you're focused and not distracted by bullshit. 

When you have no in around you, you can focus on you.  This is what is needed.  

Perhaps it's my inner "ana" perhaps it's my vision. 

I woke up to weigh myself this morning and because I've been completely distracted by this guy for so long.. the batteries were dead... Pathetic.  I maintain control anyway. 

The "boy" asked me to make a Starbucks run which is usually my weakness with the smell of the delicious sugar pastries.. but then I grew up. I grew balls.. This is why I never get what I want.. because I'm so weak. 

BREAK:::: Did anyone notice.. the boy.. is still in the picture.. he hasn't been leaving me be.. he's like checking in more often.. This is not me... by the way.. I'm just being cordial.. because he's my next door neighbor. I love him.. I can't lie.. but I'm not allowed to love him. So I can't give in.. 

I was strong. While I got him all the sugary-bacony foods and drinks ... I got a Venti Iced Americano .. no room.. no sweetener.. [0]The taste was mesmorizing. It takes me back to my "good"days.... I was so close...

Today.. I've had a Thai salad... I only ate half before I got grossed out on all the calories.  [330] [660 for the whole].  

It's still more calories than I want today.. but I also don't want to fall into a super crave over load.. All I ate yesterday was the lamb sandwich.. which again was too many calories [XXX].. but I didn't eat until after 10pm yesterday.. 

My Rules: Organic only.. if it's not organic and if I cant count count it.. I don't eat it.  

I'm drinking a mini fruit juice.. it has 110 calories in it but it's acai. It'll boost my metabolism so I binge tonight when we go to coffee.. I've avoided the friends for 3 days.. they're worried.. I feel like I owe to them to go.. I just have to be strong and fight eating.. which should be fine considering that they have gross fat food. 

I suppose I've been struggling with my Type A personality and my Type B settling point of view.. from when I killed myself.. When I died.. I killed the Type A.. I need to wake up. This is why I'm gross. This is why Seth fucked my sister first. I'm so far away from what I really am.  Bones hiding in a ball of huge fat in a messy apartment.. disorganized.. messy.. it's annoying.. I get no respect from anyone in my life... and ^THIS is why.. 

When I get everything in order... when I finally feel my bones again.. When I am empty of everything and then I will have to fill myself with perfection and with that comes respect. 

What are you willing to give? What are you willing to sacrifice to obtain the things you really want? 

Everything. 

As an artist I've learned that you have to give it all up to get what you need for fulfillment.  If that means it's time to give up food... then so be it.  Fuck it. Let my body eat away the fat I've built up from feeling sorry for myself.. No one is going to understand your depression.. If you are depressed ... don't open up. No one give a flying fuck. No one cares about what you've been through.. no one cares about the abuse. No one cares about anything.. No one is going to hug you and tell you everything is okay.. So you have to get over it and get rid of it... Empty out your heart. Purge it all! 

Everything will come in time if you stay strong.  Don't allow life to consume you.. Don't allow life to make you consume... 

Be Strong. 

Be in control 

Take control. 

You will be perfect and everyone will love the new you..... 

Watch! 

-LR.