Energy...

What you put into the universe you get.

So put some good shit in it or you'll get shit.

That's the attitude I'm attempting to possess.

I suppose it's been working a bit. At least since my last post.

The children, with which I've been working have been amazing and have completely added so much to the way I view life.  My perspective won't change over night but they have all really made me think. They have been an extraordinary addition to my pathetic life and though I still get sad the minute I park my car and walk up to my lonely, messy apartment, I still have hope that something really big is about to happen and I have a feeling it's all going to get much better.

I just need to keep my fingers crossed and keep putting out good things into the universe and be thankful that my world hasn't collapsed in front of me.

As for Seth.. well... we'll see.

If worse comes to worse, it was a very nice chapter, like the rest of them only MUCH better. And if things continue well then even better.

There's just some work that needs to be done I suppose.

I have work to do on myself.
I have work to do in my apartment.
I have work to do with my family.
I have work to do with my career.
I have work to do at school.
I have work to do everywhere I suppose.

All I can do is put the good out and just hope for the better things to happen.
If the kids can make this much of a change in my life and this is the closest position I've ever had to what I think I ultimately want to do, then I'm sure when I figure out what it is I want to do in the end, the people that will surround me will add even bigger things.

I just need to finish one project at a time which is something I haven't been able to accomplish for quite a while. It's probably been years.

Many unfinished art projects...
Many unfinished friendships...
Many unfinished weight loss ideas...
Many unfinished therapies...
Many unfinished diets...
Many unfinished, un-followed-through life, changes...
Many unfinished .. well, everything.

It's time to get back on the band wagon.

I've started with some what of a regular routine.
[as far as bedtimes and alarm times are concerned]

I know today is just a good day [maybe] and I know that the pessimism just hasn't had a chance to set in yet, but that's exactly what I'm trying to control.  I'm trying to control the vibes and energy I send into the atmosphere and just continue to strive for the least bit of hope.  If I could have in high school which were my darkest times I can definitely find it now! I am 26 fucking years old and it's time to get a hold of my fucking balls and get on this fucking game called "life".

I've been sulking over what could have, should have, and would have, been for way too long and it's time to get my fucking dignity back and really grasp the key meaning to MY happiness.

I can't let anything nor anyone get in my way and that includes myself! I really need this! I really need to do this for myself. Even though making people happy often contributes to my happiness, my dark undertone to my personal life will not have fulfilling prophecies until I do something about it and needs to happen now.

I need to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop worrying over the shit I cannot control nor change. I need to stop worrying about everything. I need to do my best [honest best]. I need to stop taking things personally [like, for real], and I really need to stop saying horrible things to myself when I'm left to deal with myself alone.  I already don't really make assumptions but my past [more often than not] really grabs a hold of my attention and truly makes me believe that I'm going to, at some point, relive all the horrors.  It's the scariest thing ever to walk into the world and just assume that I've learned enough to get me here, but I need to have faith in myself because I am fucking strong. I fucking lived! Through all of it and I came out okay in the end..

I say that lightly. I still have to work on giving myself credit because I'm not ready to sit with that yet.

[Something else I need to work on]

I know what I need to do.
I've begun the journey and I've started doing it....

Now I just need faith and hope...

Please....

-LR.

The Road...

Life is road filled with invisible chaos which fills the lanes and causes us to crash. To burn. To turn into ashes and only to found weeks later, unable to be revived.

Life is long road; a fucking journey. It has many forks; many decisions-many changes.  It's a constant dilemma. Always maintaining your focus and the moment you take your eye off the prize of the reflecting reflectors of opposition, you are left with a irrepayable debt for a lifetime.

Life...
A mission.
A loathing sense of always having to do the right thing. 
A lack of fulfillment.
A time capsule controlled by the richest people in the world.
A sad world.
A hungry world.
A world filled with a lack of love and burdened hearts.
It's no wonder so many people die uncharted deaths due to their own taking. 
It's no wonder so many are consumed by addictions to the most useless numbing attributes.
But I suppose life is too short to give a fuck anymore.
Live life in the moment, right? Sit back, relax and take a ride to an unknown universe.
Drive like no one is watching... or is it dance?
I forget how to do either.
Life is a place where people go to get away from death.
But what happens in our lives causes us to die quicker.

Life is the hardest thing we will ever have to do.
Love is hardest part of life to understand.
Death is the hardest point in life to fear.
And where we go after that is unknown.
Our souls may linger. Our spirits may move on to other realms unexplained by anyone.
And our bodies just die and either get lowered into the ground or burned by flames and kepted on the fireplace panel by living members of the circles we make while we live and they are expected to keep living on as though you are or werent there, but regarless they must live.  We must live.

Whether we are alone or have a life filled with the presence of people we must live.
Supposedly, we must live every moment to the fullest. We must live in each moment regardless if we hurt others. We must achieve our own state of happiness and never let anyone or anything hold us back from the happiness.  We must live to never regret although on our deathbeds, because we never know when it's coming, we regret it all. All we have done and all that we could, would, should, have.

A fucked up road.
Always under construction due to the constant destruction.

'tis better to live beneath a rock and never know what's going on in the lives which surround you than to be sucked up in the chaos that distracts our fellow neighbors who continue to remain blinded by the light of those whose will is to cease our power.

Live in your mind and your mind will be safe.
Live in your own heart and your heart will always be safe and never broken.
Live in your world and you will always be its creator.
Live in your own voice and you will always be heard.
Live in your own spirit and you will live forever.

But you must....

Live.

Too curious to die...
Yet too tired to live...
But you must.

Live...

Friend vs. Men...

I was told by one of my readers that should focus more on friends than guys... I've been spending this entire year on meeting friends and it hasn't happened. Ultimately, that's what I want. I want a really good friend [preferably a guy] who I can talk to anytime and who will be there for me when I need them and I will be there for them and we just happen to love each other. I can't seem to find the same pleasure in the things I wanna do with just friends. I was in a relationship for over 3 years who did nothing with me. I feel like I've been single for 5 years. We never had sex. We never went anywhere. We never held hands. We never cuddled. I'm just fucking torn and lonely. and I finally want a fucking should to lean on.

I finally opened myself up this year to be the most vulnerable I've ever been and it fucking sucks because just when I'm ready to open up I meet someone great and well it's totally one way. One minute things get better and then the next they're dead.  Too  many false hopes. Too many high [ not really] expectations.  I'm just over it.  I miss a love that will never happen because I already had it. And it was a fucked mess. I'm just really tired of the entire idea. I fucking give up.

I don't care if Seth fucks anyone anymore. I wish he would so it would be easier to just get over him and move on and not give a fuck! I liked it better than way. 

I hate that I ever opened up to him. I hate that I ever told him anything about how I felt. I don't care that he knows my secrets. I care more about the fact that he knows that I care about him because now there's no fucking chase. He told me the other day  "Less clothes' more brains."

I don't know if he was refering to me because I'm not a fucking bimbo that he would normally get his hands on.. and I'm not some fucking whore who's just here to kill the passing time.  He knows that and continues... well.. not lately. And I feel like he's purposely distancing.

Well, not it's my turn.  Except unlike the many other times... I'm not saying anything this time. I'm just gonna do it. Every time I say something he always wants to talk and fix it.  There is nothing to be fixed. He's just so worried about the loss of a good friend that he always wants to make sure we leave on good terms. It's like he doesn't even hear what I'm saying. "I just wanna stay friends with you and help you."

You're not helping anymore.
You're hurting.
I can't do it anymore.

Am I doing this right?...

But this, My Dear, this is what you wanted.


Or so, I thought...

When I was a child, somewhere around the age of 6 or so, I wanted to so badly to live on my own but constantly feared the idea because I had no idea how to do it.  I would constantly bombard my mother with questions because I was scared it would happen sooner than I was ready for...

She would always dismiss my questions by making fun of me and call me the time clock lady and always said I was paranoid and how I should smoke a joint. Always knowing deep down inside that my questions we justified, I would sit quiet and sad and ask another day.  My curious little mind was often let down but the assured belief from my mother that I would never end up on my own before it was time.

But, boy, were we all wrong.

After living on my own a few times with other people, including my grandmother since I still felt lonely and away from what we all call home, I begged the universe to allow myself to live alone.

So here I am today, with my annoying fucking cat, all alone in the fucking apartment with no money and nothing to do, due to the lack of friends.

It's so sad to wake up on your birthday alone with no one in your house with which to wake up.  This has been a tough year though, the majority of it has been spent with nights with Seth.  The night I do sleep alone make me incredibly sad and I get night terrors because there is no other human body present. Is this what I have to deal with for the rest of my life?

As much as I can sit here and bitch about how much I'm lonely, I'd also hate to live with someone again. I love my personal and private space to do that which pleases me.  But who knew that the importance of human presence would be so important, though you absolutely despise most of the human race.

I suppose that empty feeling inside is just missing what we called "home".  I never got to say goodbye.
I'm haunted by the overwhelming sensation that everything is temporary.

Because that's just it...

Everything is temporary.

Every pet, every relationship, every friendship, every article of clothing, all shoes, every car, every house, and every home.

Everything has an expiration date and I have this overwhelming fear that life cannot be this easy and that everything will end soon.  School will end soon, my jobs will end soon. My friendships will end at some point, and everything will stop.  I'm entering a new chapter in my life and I can feel it get closer and closer by the fucking second and it's so incredibly scary I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know if I'll be okay.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to survive on my own. Shit I can barely stand to live in this god awful apartment.  Let alone be self sufficient ... with the help from daddy or grandpa or grandma.  Will I be able to make enough money to pay all my loans... And what the fuck am I going to do for a fucking living. I'm torn between teaching and counseling... I suppose I have 5 years to really decide but even in the next 6 months I'm going to have to figure something out  in order to get on my feet to be able to do what I need to do and that scares the HOLY piss outta me.

How do people do this without proper guidance? How have I been able to do it this entire time? How the fuck did I get here? and How the fuck do I keep going? I'm anything but the person I used to be and many would call me strong, but slowly I feel like I'm breaking and about to trip and slip and fall into a hole, or I'll hopefully be able to pull outta my own shit self and become something great.. It makes me cry to even think I have the potential to do that. My past haunts me mainly because I'm so ashamed of how much I've hated myself for so long. And it's a real struggle to do this alone with no mother or father to which to turn.

They're all around.. somehow no one particularly close to me has died or "disappeared".. well that's not true.  An entire family of friends of the family has disappeared for a few years now.. Never dealt with that either.. but although they are around, they are gone, they don't understand, nor know how to, nor know how to help. I have many ideas as to why, one being that they are all selfish or only know their own way to do things. It doesn't help that I'm the oldest of my closer family of my generation and I'm the first one to get my foot this far in the door. Same with my friends.. Except for my best friend who is achieving his masters but still has no clue how to work a real job.  so yeah, I have experience on everyone and that's particularly a good thing.. at least not yet and I'm hoping that maybe one day all this over exposing will benefit me somewhere. But in the mean time it's just plain scary, because I truly feel like the universe is forcing me to deal with this alone.  And that's hard when you're your own worst enemy. It's fucking scary to know the potential harm you can do to yourself because you've done it more than once and it's fucking scary to know how close you've been to doing it again.  it doesn't seem far away, the harm-I mean, but it also doesn't seem close. 

I'm stuck in a fucked up transition and though I know I'm not the only going through it, I feel alone in my own circle because I am the only one I know.  Yes, it could definitely be worse and I'm thankful that at the very least I am AWARE, but, oh, man, could it be better.

Only time can tell at this point, right?

I need encouragement. Proper encouragement.

Or something...

I need a grip...

-LR

'twas normal?..

Day 2 of trying to be strong and not rely on another person's presence to make my life depressionally absent, however, I'm living in the delusional thoughts of my pms-ing brain.  Of course I assume my presence is unwelcomed though clearly explained to me that I have to wake up early and the opposing personality does not and therefor I should sleep early, but as "we" all can see, 1:03am isn't particularly a preferred bedtime for one who must wake at 8:00 am. 

Day 1 was consumed by a constant marathon of unwanted flashbacks. Some from the time of my youth when my devil-like parents owned my soul and the other of the hymen-theifed boyfriend I had when I was in high school and the many other heart filled traumas I've experienced in my life all joining together in a single night's reunion.  I'm not sure what triggers them more. My constant thought of assuming dishonesty of this so-called "partnership" I have or the pms. 

I'm almost positive it has to do with both, but it also doesn't help that you're at the opposing personality's apartment, helping "him" sort through his stuff to help find a missing link to a technological dilemma, you can't help but stumble across a porn DVD, though he has shown you another disk and specifically admitted to only purchasing that one and only owning "that" one.

'tis normal for men to have porn, right?  The self conscious better half of me likes to assume that I am not hot enough nor good enough for him and I think I am boring him so therefor he must masterbate to porn in order to fulfill his fantasy of beautiful-women-fucking.  Though, when the issue is brought up, I am quickly reminded that that is not the issue.  Then again, that was about 2 months ago or a month ago. 

I can't stand the fact that my mind is consumed by the constant thought and panic of not being good enough.  I think for the first time, I am actually in love and I feel like it's specifically one way and I'm wasting my time, but then at other times I am quickly consoled by visual elements of constant eye contact and intellectually stimulating conversation. 

[Apparently, I have a lot to express tonight.]

Meanwhile, as I sit here and pity myself in agony and loneliness, I have fans who constantly tell me how wonderful I am. I can't stand it.  It drives me fucking mad!

I have a new job that has been occupying my time, which is obviously helpful, but like most good things, this job is only temporary and will end two weeks prior to the next semester.  It puts a smile on face for now, but when the sun sets and I'm willed to my pillow, the thought process begins and it's a whirlpool of emotional/psychological disaster. 

In case you're new to this "blog" [mind vomit] I am EXTREMELY hard on myself, derived from the inner voicings of my mother and the many MANY traumas that have happened in my childhood. 

I worked out today to try and boost some sort of "positive" chemicals to flow through my pathetic brain, but instead of heading to bed, I shut off the comical sitcom I often watch to make me feel better and considering it was an episode of trying to relive High School desirable dream worlds as an adult, it made me close the program, turn on Pandora, and I got to Blogger. 

This is my world.

Why am I so fucking pathetic sometimes? Three days of excitement and sure enough, night time by the third day, I am here second guess my mental progress. I feel like I'll never learn how to properly give myself credit let alone own it after achieving greatness.

My Occupation: Profession Self Sabotager.

I cut for the first time in MOOOOONNNNTHS on July 26th.   Made me feel much better, but considering it's already healing, kinda hurts me to want to cover it up again, plus I think my new boss saw the healing scars and I don't want to give her anymore reason to look at my wrists. My tattoos bring enough attention, though ironically placed there to stop the positioning of the self mutilation.. nothing else feels as good and I've learned to take a detour so as to not fuck up the $60 I've artistically applied to wrist(s). 

MAJOR FUCKING SIDE NOTE: I believe my little "boombox" "radio" "CD player" is falling apart. When I turn up the volume, sometimes it will go up and other times it will listen, and tonight it randomly turned the "Mega Bass" back on, which I don't prefer considering I live on the 2nd story of my apartment complex and it isn't a particularly desirable hour to hear one's neighbor's music through, what seem like, paper thin walls.  There is also a couple with a 1 or 2 year old who live beneath me, who ironically attended the same high school, and I would hate to inconvenience them with my modern, contemporary piano concertos.

Jesus, Christ, can you tell I'm lonely. I have a lot to say and not enough paper, nor energy or will say it, so instead I type it, hoping/praying/meditating that you all listen/read and appreciate or relate or something. 

I hope with time, age, knowledge, experience, wisdom, and will power that one day I get over/through this fucked up mindful garbage of a life and hope I can some kinda light at the end of the fucking tunnel.. and hopefully it's not a head light belonging to a big rig or bus!

I'll end on the suicidal note, for dramatic purposes, and hope you do not judge or report me. Lol.

Good night, audience. Til, next time..

'Twas normal?

I think not!

-LR.