Energy...

What you put into the universe you get.

So put some good shit in it or you'll get shit.

That's the attitude I'm attempting to possess.

I suppose it's been working a bit. At least since my last post.

The children, with which I've been working have been amazing and have completely added so much to the way I view life.  My perspective won't change over night but they have all really made me think. They have been an extraordinary addition to my pathetic life and though I still get sad the minute I park my car and walk up to my lonely, messy apartment, I still have hope that something really big is about to happen and I have a feeling it's all going to get much better.

I just need to keep my fingers crossed and keep putting out good things into the universe and be thankful that my world hasn't collapsed in front of me.

As for Seth.. well... we'll see.

If worse comes to worse, it was a very nice chapter, like the rest of them only MUCH better. And if things continue well then even better.

There's just some work that needs to be done I suppose.

I have work to do on myself.
I have work to do in my apartment.
I have work to do with my family.
I have work to do with my career.
I have work to do at school.
I have work to do everywhere I suppose.

All I can do is put the good out and just hope for the better things to happen.
If the kids can make this much of a change in my life and this is the closest position I've ever had to what I think I ultimately want to do, then I'm sure when I figure out what it is I want to do in the end, the people that will surround me will add even bigger things.

I just need to finish one project at a time which is something I haven't been able to accomplish for quite a while. It's probably been years.

Many unfinished art projects...
Many unfinished friendships...
Many unfinished weight loss ideas...
Many unfinished therapies...
Many unfinished diets...
Many unfinished, un-followed-through life, changes...
Many unfinished .. well, everything.

It's time to get back on the band wagon.

I've started with some what of a regular routine.
[as far as bedtimes and alarm times are concerned]

I know today is just a good day [maybe] and I know that the pessimism just hasn't had a chance to set in yet, but that's exactly what I'm trying to control.  I'm trying to control the vibes and energy I send into the atmosphere and just continue to strive for the least bit of hope.  If I could have in high school which were my darkest times I can definitely find it now! I am 26 fucking years old and it's time to get a hold of my fucking balls and get on this fucking game called "life".

I've been sulking over what could have, should have, and would have, been for way too long and it's time to get my fucking dignity back and really grasp the key meaning to MY happiness.

I can't let anything nor anyone get in my way and that includes myself! I really need this! I really need to do this for myself. Even though making people happy often contributes to my happiness, my dark undertone to my personal life will not have fulfilling prophecies until I do something about it and needs to happen now.

I need to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop worrying over the shit I cannot control nor change. I need to stop worrying about everything. I need to do my best [honest best]. I need to stop taking things personally [like, for real], and I really need to stop saying horrible things to myself when I'm left to deal with myself alone.  I already don't really make assumptions but my past [more often than not] really grabs a hold of my attention and truly makes me believe that I'm going to, at some point, relive all the horrors.  It's the scariest thing ever to walk into the world and just assume that I've learned enough to get me here, but I need to have faith in myself because I am fucking strong. I fucking lived! Through all of it and I came out okay in the end..

I say that lightly. I still have to work on giving myself credit because I'm not ready to sit with that yet.

[Something else I need to work on]

I know what I need to do.
I've begun the journey and I've started doing it....

Now I just need faith and hope...

Please....

-LR.