Am I doing this right?...

But this, My Dear, this is what you wanted.


Or so, I thought...

When I was a child, somewhere around the age of 6 or so, I wanted to so badly to live on my own but constantly feared the idea because I had no idea how to do it.  I would constantly bombard my mother with questions because I was scared it would happen sooner than I was ready for...

She would always dismiss my questions by making fun of me and call me the time clock lady and always said I was paranoid and how I should smoke a joint. Always knowing deep down inside that my questions we justified, I would sit quiet and sad and ask another day.  My curious little mind was often let down but the assured belief from my mother that I would never end up on my own before it was time.

But, boy, were we all wrong.

After living on my own a few times with other people, including my grandmother since I still felt lonely and away from what we all call home, I begged the universe to allow myself to live alone.

So here I am today, with my annoying fucking cat, all alone in the fucking apartment with no money and nothing to do, due to the lack of friends.

It's so sad to wake up on your birthday alone with no one in your house with which to wake up.  This has been a tough year though, the majority of it has been spent with nights with Seth.  The night I do sleep alone make me incredibly sad and I get night terrors because there is no other human body present. Is this what I have to deal with for the rest of my life?

As much as I can sit here and bitch about how much I'm lonely, I'd also hate to live with someone again. I love my personal and private space to do that which pleases me.  But who knew that the importance of human presence would be so important, though you absolutely despise most of the human race.

I suppose that empty feeling inside is just missing what we called "home".  I never got to say goodbye.
I'm haunted by the overwhelming sensation that everything is temporary.

Because that's just it...

Everything is temporary.

Every pet, every relationship, every friendship, every article of clothing, all shoes, every car, every house, and every home.

Everything has an expiration date and I have this overwhelming fear that life cannot be this easy and that everything will end soon.  School will end soon, my jobs will end soon. My friendships will end at some point, and everything will stop.  I'm entering a new chapter in my life and I can feel it get closer and closer by the fucking second and it's so incredibly scary I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know if I'll be okay.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to survive on my own. Shit I can barely stand to live in this god awful apartment.  Let alone be self sufficient ... with the help from daddy or grandpa or grandma.  Will I be able to make enough money to pay all my loans... And what the fuck am I going to do for a fucking living. I'm torn between teaching and counseling... I suppose I have 5 years to really decide but even in the next 6 months I'm going to have to figure something out  in order to get on my feet to be able to do what I need to do and that scares the HOLY piss outta me.

How do people do this without proper guidance? How have I been able to do it this entire time? How the fuck did I get here? and How the fuck do I keep going? I'm anything but the person I used to be and many would call me strong, but slowly I feel like I'm breaking and about to trip and slip and fall into a hole, or I'll hopefully be able to pull outta my own shit self and become something great.. It makes me cry to even think I have the potential to do that. My past haunts me mainly because I'm so ashamed of how much I've hated myself for so long. And it's a real struggle to do this alone with no mother or father to which to turn.

They're all around.. somehow no one particularly close to me has died or "disappeared".. well that's not true.  An entire family of friends of the family has disappeared for a few years now.. Never dealt with that either.. but although they are around, they are gone, they don't understand, nor know how to, nor know how to help. I have many ideas as to why, one being that they are all selfish or only know their own way to do things. It doesn't help that I'm the oldest of my closer family of my generation and I'm the first one to get my foot this far in the door. Same with my friends.. Except for my best friend who is achieving his masters but still has no clue how to work a real job.  so yeah, I have experience on everyone and that's particularly a good thing.. at least not yet and I'm hoping that maybe one day all this over exposing will benefit me somewhere. But in the mean time it's just plain scary, because I truly feel like the universe is forcing me to deal with this alone.  And that's hard when you're your own worst enemy. It's fucking scary to know the potential harm you can do to yourself because you've done it more than once and it's fucking scary to know how close you've been to doing it again.  it doesn't seem far away, the harm-I mean, but it also doesn't seem close. 

I'm stuck in a fucked up transition and though I know I'm not the only going through it, I feel alone in my own circle because I am the only one I know.  Yes, it could definitely be worse and I'm thankful that at the very least I am AWARE, but, oh, man, could it be better.

Only time can tell at this point, right?

I need encouragement. Proper encouragement.

Or something...

I need a grip...

-LR