Friend vs. Men...

I was told by one of my readers that should focus more on friends than guys... I've been spending this entire year on meeting friends and it hasn't happened. Ultimately, that's what I want. I want a really good friend [preferably a guy] who I can talk to anytime and who will be there for me when I need them and I will be there for them and we just happen to love each other. I can't seem to find the same pleasure in the things I wanna do with just friends. I was in a relationship for over 3 years who did nothing with me. I feel like I've been single for 5 years. We never had sex. We never went anywhere. We never held hands. We never cuddled. I'm just fucking torn and lonely. and I finally want a fucking should to lean on.

I finally opened myself up this year to be the most vulnerable I've ever been and it fucking sucks because just when I'm ready to open up I meet someone great and well it's totally one way. One minute things get better and then the next they're dead.  Too  many false hopes. Too many high [ not really] expectations.  I'm just over it.  I miss a love that will never happen because I already had it. And it was a fucked mess. I'm just really tired of the entire idea. I fucking give up.

I don't care if Seth fucks anyone anymore. I wish he would so it would be easier to just get over him and move on and not give a fuck! I liked it better than way. 

I hate that I ever opened up to him. I hate that I ever told him anything about how I felt. I don't care that he knows my secrets. I care more about the fact that he knows that I care about him because now there's no fucking chase. He told me the other day  "Less clothes' more brains."

I don't know if he was refering to me because I'm not a fucking bimbo that he would normally get his hands on.. and I'm not some fucking whore who's just here to kill the passing time.  He knows that and continues... well.. not lately. And I feel like he's purposely distancing.

Well, not it's my turn.  Except unlike the many other times... I'm not saying anything this time. I'm just gonna do it. Every time I say something he always wants to talk and fix it.  There is nothing to be fixed. He's just so worried about the loss of a good friend that he always wants to make sure we leave on good terms. It's like he doesn't even hear what I'm saying. "I just wanna stay friends with you and help you."

You're not helping anymore.
You're hurting.
I can't do it anymore.