The Killings of my Fuckable Night Terrors...

And it kills me to think that he loved her so much. She was a dear friend to me at some point in the past.  She meant a lot to me before he fucked her except he never fucked her. He loved her.  She left him and moved across the country and he still loved her and waited for the temptress to come back into his heart so he could shoot himself back up with her intoxication.  She never loved him. She loved the drugs more. She loved the scene and noise and men and fucking and needles and dancing and all the fucking colors, but she never loved him. T

he night she left for good he came to my couch that night and fucked me instead.  But he only fucked me.  What he knew before her, was me.  What he knew after her, was me.  But what he never "really" knew was me.  He knew me on the inside.  But from down below. He knew the way I felt, the way I tasted. He saw a part of me that people still to this day never see.

He loved her.  She was bland.  I knew her. She really was bland.  Seasoning missing among the whitest of yellow meat. She was so fucking bland but played the band so well. She played her colors sooo well.  We share similar minds except, I'm colorful and fun.  I loved him. I was shy. She loved him and she threw him away. She knew I loved him but forgot.

We were adults then.  We're adults now. He waited for her.  He waited so long for her that years later after he fucked me again he explained how he was waiting for his love to come back not realizing he was talking to someone who had loved him before he knew her name; she only knew his because of me, and it wasn't truly his name. 

And now she's just a romance from the past.  Looking back as though time never got away. But they're not friends.  She left him.  He fucks me. Again. Again. Again. Then I fall in love with someone who fit his description since I knew I could never have him again.  But this love of mine fails to take his place in my heart. So I leave... and I fuck again.

Heartbroken. Reality settles in and I'm comfused because I'm loving him but I have someone to go home to that actually loved me.  He never loved me he only fucks me. But he knows me soo well and my love is home and knows nothing of me.  They do not know each other. But they have a lot in common. They have shared me and known nothing of it.  Their birthdays are a day a part,  I tried to love someone else and I keep going back.  Except this time......

There was no response.  The was no reply.  There was no return.  He vanished. He's gone. And all that keeps sitting in my head is how much I'm not like her though our birthdays are so close and our colors have always matched, and she was in MY fucking circle of friends, and I had him FIRST! and HOW MUCH I'M JUST NOT LIKE HER AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I FUCKING TRY HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER AND ONLY FUCK ME AND NOW I AM FORGOTTEN. HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME. I WILL NEVER HAVE HIS HEART AGAIN.


.... It's because I left him when we were children, again as teenagers, and one more time as adults.  Three strikes you're out Ms. Midnight. Bang Bang you're dead to him now.  And he'll always love her no matter how much you two are alike and you continue to go home and return to the love that resembles a love you will never fucking have and it kills you every day that you think about it. He's gone.....

and you're fucked.


-LR

What the hell?

So I haven't been eating like a god damned slob! I've lost 8 lbs. I'll be losing more.  I had a total break down at work! She pulled me into the office and asked me if everything was okay cuz I "apparently" looked frazzled. Then she told me to get it together, own it, let shit go, and just fucking do my job.  I fucking cried like a little fucking bitch! I was so embarassed and ashamed I couldn't stop! I feel like a fucking moron! She even asked me if I was on my period! I'm NOT! I looked like a little pussy. 

My birthday was yesterday. The party is Saturday! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm like hating life right now and I should loving it. I feel selfish and like a fucking fool! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with me.  I finally get the strength to pull myself out of the fat slump I've been in since Feb and then I completely crumble at work. 

Part of me wanted to scream :

" I fucking hate myself, okay? I'm a perfectionist who got fired and can't perform the most simple task here.  I don't want to fucking work here because I want my fucking job back! I haven't eaten all day because I hate the way I look and I punish myself for being weak and letting myself get this way.   and then I hate the way I live cuz I'm so fucking broke, and I hate my life cuz I'm always feeling alone even though there are more than enough people around who say they care. I never reach out for help yet I expect to feel better.  Good enough is never fucking good enough and right now I'm not even close! I'm confused as all fuck about where I am in life and I just turned 25 and hate that I haven't ever been able to live as a child! I can't just get over it like you're asking me to because I can't let my self fall to shit again! I'm extremely hard on myself and I get overwhelmed easily because the noise in fucking brain won't shut the fuck up and you're just adding more shit to it! FUUUUUUUUCK!"


But of course.. all that came out was...

"I've been depressed since I got fired and I haven't been able to pull out of it because of how much I loved my job and how good I was at it.  I'm sorry I'm crying and this isn't usually like me.  I just need to do it. I'm sorry."



...weak..piece..of..shit...

just get your fucking work done!




I hate me, sometimes all the time.



What the fuck is WRONG with me right now, and why the fuck do I care sooo much?

Birthday Pool Party

Some stupid bitch is showing up to a friend's birthday party knowing I'm going to be there. I really hope she doesn't start shit today!

Not to mention.. I feel pretty gross today.

Ugh.. I feel disgusting.

Get a hold of yourself.

Intake so far.....Diet coke and cigarettes. I have to get through this!

Hidden in My Shell

It's almost hilarious how bad I feel like I'm torturing myself everyday.  Everyone else around thinks I'm getting better because I don't lose my temper as often. 

I feel like I've just learned how to hide it all better. I don't feel better. I feel worse. I feel like I've grown a new obsession that I will never get out of because regardless if I gain weight I will always hate myself for eating.  I ate today.  I drank a laxative.  I have work in the morning. I'm on the diet pills that gave me a bladder infection last summer. I can't stop. I won't stop.

I need to buy diuretics but I have to go to the store when I'm not with the bf because he will know.  He knows a tad but I don't htink he realizes how bad it is.  He thinks it's a cleanse... I call it compensation. 

I've been too comfortable for too long.  I've been letting myself be here for too long.  If you really want it, you'll fucking hurt for it.  And that's where my realization has taken me. 

I remember honoring my hunger pains. I remember drinking water to try and make the grumbling go away. I remember telling people I wasn't hungry then they believe me then I regret telling them cuz I was dying to eat but happy I controlled myself but I couldn't say anything cuz it was too late. 

Where is "that" girl?  I feel like I'll never be there.. I feel defeated. I never wanted to stick my fingers down my throat. I never wanted to be that girl. I just never wanted to eat.  I never wanted it to be a real problem. 

But apparently some things aren't enough and time calls for drastic measures sometimes to get what you really want!

It's called sacrifice!  I hate my body. I really hate my fucking body

My thighs are jiggly and touch and smush and smash and sweat! It's fucking disgusting! My gut rolls when I sit and jiggles when I walk! My arms are like flaps in the fucking wind when they're not covered! It's sick! It's fucking gross! I never thought I'd ever be this and now that I'm there I hate myself that much more! I'm not better! I hate myself more than ever!

I don't want to live in this skin anymore. I just want to rip it all off and feed it to all the fat fucks who told me I couldn't!

The only "right" way to do this is to refrain from it all. CONTROL!

CONTROL your fucking mouth.
CONTROL your fat fingers.
CONTROL your fat thighs.
CONTROL your fat arms.
CONTROL your nasty legs.
CONTROL your double chin.


EMBRACE your cheek bones.
EMBRACE your collar bones.
EMBRACE your wrist bones.
EMBRACE those who are there.
EMBRACE those who are better than you!

EMBRACE your CONTROL!


I can't fucking be this anymore! I can't be in this disgusting, fat, lard ass, of a body! I can't keep on going like this! I need to be there! I've needed it for my entire life!



FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT


Tomorrow:
Diet pill
Vitamin B6
Vitamin B12
Vitamin A
Diuretics

0 cal drinks
apple
melon
and coffee.

I can't take this shit anymore.

The lies and have just begun...


My anxiety has never been like this...

Bad Palette

Do any of you have that friend you want to like but hate sooo much. Like she just gives you a really bad taste in your mouth.  I guess at that point you wouldn't really call them a "friend".  There is a girl I know who was really fun to hang out with but then after a certain amount of time you listen to what she is saying and the entire time she is being extremely condescending...

There are times where I want to punch her in the mouth and tell her to shut up! she thinks the's the shit because she slept with a shit ton of men and did a bunch of drugs and is now living with her "also ex addict" boyfriend in some small ass apartment they can barely afford and claims to love life..

I find it to be a crock of shit cuz she'll be the first one to tell you how to live your life which tells me she is clueless knowing a way to live hers. UGH.  Then I see her stupid FB posts which just drives me insane! Everyone one I talk to that knows her loves her because they buy into the fake bullshit..

I dunno.. Fuck her.  Fuck all of them.  They be calling me when they see how pretty and perfect I've become!

First of my pills is already a success.. Can't wait for tomorrow's weigh in. 

Tell me what is the most you've lost in a month?(30 days)


What is the most you have ever heard of lost in a month?? (30 days)

-Your friendly fat blogger,

LR

It's not unrealistic if you shut the fuck up and do it!

Diet Pills

So that I have my diet pills again I can finally shrink to nothing.. hopefully by my birthday. These things kill the shit out of my appetite.. I plan on flushing the days I don't have work so anything I do eat will come out by the time my next weigh in comes in the am. 

Rapid, unhealthy, weighloss,.... who cares right? As long as it's gone. As long as I wither away with it. As much as others say this will not end my problems.. I'm not looking to end my problems.. I just want fat to be one less thing I need to worry about. 

Soon my life with end in perfection.  Then I will be at peace and at ease.  

Stay Strong pretties..

-You friendly fat blogger

-LR.