What the hell?

So I haven't been eating like a god damned slob! I've lost 8 lbs. I'll be losing more.  I had a total break down at work! She pulled me into the office and asked me if everything was okay cuz I "apparently" looked frazzled. Then she told me to get it together, own it, let shit go, and just fucking do my job.  I fucking cried like a little fucking bitch! I was so embarassed and ashamed I couldn't stop! I feel like a fucking moron! She even asked me if I was on my period! I'm NOT! I looked like a little pussy. 

My birthday was yesterday. The party is Saturday! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm like hating life right now and I should loving it. I feel selfish and like a fucking fool! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with me.  I finally get the strength to pull myself out of the fat slump I've been in since Feb and then I completely crumble at work. 

Part of me wanted to scream :

" I fucking hate myself, okay? I'm a perfectionist who got fired and can't perform the most simple task here.  I don't want to fucking work here because I want my fucking job back! I haven't eaten all day because I hate the way I look and I punish myself for being weak and letting myself get this way.   and then I hate the way I live cuz I'm so fucking broke, and I hate my life cuz I'm always feeling alone even though there are more than enough people around who say they care. I never reach out for help yet I expect to feel better.  Good enough is never fucking good enough and right now I'm not even close! I'm confused as all fuck about where I am in life and I just turned 25 and hate that I haven't ever been able to live as a child! I can't just get over it like you're asking me to because I can't let my self fall to shit again! I'm extremely hard on myself and I get overwhelmed easily because the noise in fucking brain won't shut the fuck up and you're just adding more shit to it! FUUUUUUUUCK!"


But of course.. all that came out was...

"I've been depressed since I got fired and I haven't been able to pull out of it because of how much I loved my job and how good I was at it.  I'm sorry I'm crying and this isn't usually like me.  I just need to do it. I'm sorry."



...weak..piece..of..shit...

just get your fucking work done!




I hate me, sometimes all the time.



What the fuck is WRONG with me right now, and why the fuck do I care sooo much?