Hidden in My Shell

It's almost hilarious how bad I feel like I'm torturing myself everyday.  Everyone else around thinks I'm getting better because I don't lose my temper as often. 

I feel like I've just learned how to hide it all better. I don't feel better. I feel worse. I feel like I've grown a new obsession that I will never get out of because regardless if I gain weight I will always hate myself for eating.  I ate today.  I drank a laxative.  I have work in the morning. I'm on the diet pills that gave me a bladder infection last summer. I can't stop. I won't stop.

I need to buy diuretics but I have to go to the store when I'm not with the bf because he will know.  He knows a tad but I don't htink he realizes how bad it is.  He thinks it's a cleanse... I call it compensation. 

I've been too comfortable for too long.  I've been letting myself be here for too long.  If you really want it, you'll fucking hurt for it.  And that's where my realization has taken me. 

I remember honoring my hunger pains. I remember drinking water to try and make the grumbling go away. I remember telling people I wasn't hungry then they believe me then I regret telling them cuz I was dying to eat but happy I controlled myself but I couldn't say anything cuz it was too late. 

Where is "that" girl?  I feel like I'll never be there.. I feel defeated. I never wanted to stick my fingers down my throat. I never wanted to be that girl. I just never wanted to eat.  I never wanted it to be a real problem. 

But apparently some things aren't enough and time calls for drastic measures sometimes to get what you really want!

It's called sacrifice!  I hate my body. I really hate my fucking body

My thighs are jiggly and touch and smush and smash and sweat! It's fucking disgusting! My gut rolls when I sit and jiggles when I walk! My arms are like flaps in the fucking wind when they're not covered! It's sick! It's fucking gross! I never thought I'd ever be this and now that I'm there I hate myself that much more! I'm not better! I hate myself more than ever!

I don't want to live in this skin anymore. I just want to rip it all off and feed it to all the fat fucks who told me I couldn't!

The only "right" way to do this is to refrain from it all. CONTROL!

CONTROL your fucking mouth.
CONTROL your fat fingers.
CONTROL your fat thighs.
CONTROL your fat arms.
CONTROL your nasty legs.
CONTROL your double chin.


EMBRACE your cheek bones.
EMBRACE your collar bones.
EMBRACE your wrist bones.
EMBRACE those who are there.
EMBRACE those who are better than you!

EMBRACE your CONTROL!


I can't fucking be this anymore! I can't be in this disgusting, fat, lard ass, of a body! I can't keep on going like this! I need to be there! I've needed it for my entire life!



FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT


Tomorrow:
Diet pill
Vitamin B6
Vitamin B12
Vitamin A
Diuretics

0 cal drinks
apple
melon
and coffee.

I can't take this shit anymore.

The lies and have just begun...


My anxiety has never been like this...