I don't care...

Sometimes I think Seth has girls over when I'm working.

I don't even care anymore.

This is what happens when you beat a dead dog..

Never good enough..

I have to believe I can first..


I don't care

Obsessive...

I hate that I have such a fucking obsessive personality.
I hate that I've lost everything
I hate being fatter than hell
I hate that I have nothing to show for anymore with this disgusting body

I ate a grilled cheese sandwich.... not the crust.. and I got the usually fat filled frap... and threw it away! I can't deal with this anymore.

I was perfect! Doesn't anyone get it? No one out here knew me when I had it all. Let me tell you.. Don't let them put you on Zoloft.. You'll never give a fuck about anything again and you will lose everything! I had so much..
I had control.

I have no control over anything anymore..
YOU FAT FUCK! Get it together..
I feel like my whole world is a complete tragedy.. I'm so over it.
Seth... I don't even know what to say anymore because when I belted out everything and decided to remain platonic friends.. I told him he was critical and mean and that I can't be myself anymore... And When I said all I had to say.. like about how he fucked my sister.. and how the image of them making out will never leave my mind! and how no matter what.. "I could tighten up"

I COULD TIGHTEN UP! IF YOU KNEW ME WHEN I WAS FATTER YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT...

But then again... If he knew me at 115... he would say not just tighten up.. but stop stuffing your god damn face!
I'm such a failure..
I feel like I have nothing..
I'm 169.... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!
I'm hoping I start my fucking period soon... because at some point.. I don't want one at all...

I am living off of these diet pills now...I wish I knew how to get back the me I used to be before I let go of everything.

I was so beautiful. I was so perfect.. and I let it go cuz I hated everything and everyone ..
The cutting has been at a new high... I've began to purge with in the last couple years.. My destruction just gets worse.. until these rolls dissapear.. so many people would disagree that I was worse... But I know what's real... When I lost everything and everyone.. I knew.. I ALWAYS FUCKING KNEW that I AT LEAST had my fucking body... and now ...

I have nothing.. I have no one.. I have this digusting vessel to rot in while I keep remembering that if I was thin at the time Seth had a choice... He would have picked me and not my skinny sister.. because I would have been hotter.. And I would have had real tits!

I hate being ugly. I hate being fat. I hate my body soo fucking much.. I have lost all my confidence..

I've lost everything I once was proud of ... I have a degree..

I have a BA.. and I still don't give a fuck. I'm a manager at a retail store...

I don't give a fuck.. I'm a fat, dumb girl, now, with a lot of regret.

'Til next time...

-LR

Ever notice...

Ever notice how easy it is to block out a woman's voice when she has something of relative importance to say? 

I'm just a woman... I'm good for my tits, ass and eyes.

Beginning or End; that is the question....

I graduated. So, now what? Seth is still in the picture and has been sweeter than ever but my insecurities ruin everything. I found these new diet pills that work just as well as the last ones but they're half the price. I suppose, since work will be the only thing on my plate besides cleaning up and "growing up",  that my operation perfection plan will finally complete itself. I've cut here and there and I've purged here and there but it really comes down to controlling myself and perfecting that project I started many years ago. I was supposed to stop smoking in June, but yeah, right... Like that's going to happen. 

It's sad cuz I dunno how many of you still exist out there.. Hearing my cries. My fat filled cries.. It's like fuck !! Lose the weight already.. I thought you had a beating disorder.. I do. I am disordered. But I'm learning to hide it behind an even better smoke, especially now since school is done. 

It's ducked up because I had a perfect body and I wasted it. Now telling Seth after he fixed my size0 sister that I once had a body is like telling him I once had a penis... 

I don't know why I can't let go of him. I don't think he wants me to either. Lately he's been so sweet. He finally took me out to eat and he did two times in a week. We haven't even argued in about a week. I don't know what the fuck to do. The only way I know how to get over my fucking insecurities is to lose the god damned weight. The fastest way possible. Summer is practically here. I just went good shopping and now that I'm thinking about it, it's a fucking waste... I should have stocked up on water and coffee... Ugh I feel like I'm venting to a blank wall now. Emptiness is about to kick it, I swear. Is this what a B.A. Is all about? 

Ps : for the record... It's Angelina Jolie's birthday... I think 

...fucking Geminis... 

Time flies when you have insomnia. I don't even know who I am or what to so anymore. Life is a blur and I have never felt so alone. They say things get better but it only seems like they are getting worse. Too much change all at once and in the mean time no one understands you. Am I fucking speaking French?

The Ana Mia Chronicles got deleted... So now there's only this blog left. Why does everything end at the same time?  Why is life so confusing? I can't figure out what to do anymore. Do I stay or do I go?  My car broke down again. I don't have one now. My aunt moved away and started school. She has no time for me anymore... And then there's Seth... Seth and I are atill not together and I've been sleeping at his apartment regularly for a year as of feb 12 th but who's counting right? I have no confidence in the way I look and I'm feeling like I'm fading away. No one kisses me. Not even Seth. I'm empty. I'd kill myself tomorrow if I had a way to hide it from people but maybe I'll just empty myself out and quietly die in my sleep. Id have to sleep first... 

I dunno where life is taking me but I've had enough. I feel alone and empty... Helpless and needy. Hopeless and doubtful. And quiet. I'm easily dismissed by others.. I'm becoming invisible. More so than I've ever been. 

Maybe I'll finally disappear forever... 

Time can only tell.. 

-Lisa Rowe

Do you notice me?

I feel like I'm in my apartment wasting away.
Seth is still around of course.
I couldn't let him go if I tried.
I dunno what it is anymore.
But now..

I'm losing my fucking mind.
I hallucinated.
I fucked freaked out and for my manager of my apartments involved and everyone else. I heard him in his apartment when he said he went to vegas.  I head him. I heard his phone. When the manager of the apartment complex in which I live opened his place because Seth called him,
We searched the whole fucking place and no one was there.
I still heard people after we left and told Seth I didn't believe that his wasn't in there. And he said.. you saw the place it's empty. I'm not FUCKING there!
He wasn't there. I didn't eat or sleep for two days because I didn't want to miss the moment I'd see him get out of the car and walk up stairs. If I didn't see him walk up to his door I would probably still believe to this day that he was in there.  My aunt was worried. He was worried but pissed.

I haven't been eating really and there other day I ate a sandwich, cheese and crackers, and purged all of it.
I've never purged this often.
I don't know what's going but I can't lie and say I'm not proud of myself. 
My aunt came to job right before my lunch break and made me eat a fucking burger. So today I'm doing better. Coffee. A frap to be honest and open. 
I can make these gross calories last all fucking day. 

Do you ever neglected?
Do you ever feel stuck?
Like you're talking and no one hears you.
You just get cut off.
You just stop.
Everyone tells you what they think you should do with your life and you have to listen because if you don't you'll end up with nothing. Am I the only one who never fucking grew up?
Seth is 36. Acts like a child and it's okay.
I'm 26. I act like a fucking child and it's not.
I don't get it.
I'm not ready to grow up.
I want to go back to my childhood and get back what was taken from me.
Living how I please with no one telling me what the fuck to do.
I feel stuck.
Have sex everywhere. Smoke where ever, whatever, and when ever.Sleep. clean, shower, eat when the fuck I want.
I just want my life to myself. LET GO! but I don't want to be alone. but I don't want anyone here with me. Seth is perfect cuz he lives next door. I just wish he saw in me what I saw in him.
I'm tired of selling my fat ass.
If he doesn't want me, then there's nothing I can do. His loss... I think. granted: I don't WANT to lose him.. but I think at this point.. it's either going to continue the way it's been.. or it's inevitable. Oh well.
Another person telling me what to want .. another thing I can't have..
UGH!  I just want everything to be better, and perfect. PERFECT! UGH!
I don't think it's unrealistic because my ideals are not complicated! What the fuck?

-LR

The Great Escape...

They call it the great escape because of its numbing power.
When you sit in your silence and greet all who shall pass.
You smile and you shine.
And inside your heart melts away.

Yes, we all feel pain inside.
And none of us know where to go.
And we never know what to do
When we're faced with that place between a dream and reality.

But we always wish it was a dream...
Not the dream...
But a dream...
One, where we can wake up..
Sit up..
Stand..
Go to the bathroom sink...
Splash water on our face...
Dry it off..

And go back to sleep...