Beginning or End; that is the question....

I graduated. So, now what? Seth is still in the picture and has been sweeter than ever but my insecurities ruin everything. I found these new diet pills that work just as well as the last ones but they're half the price. I suppose, since work will be the only thing on my plate besides cleaning up and "growing up",  that my operation perfection plan will finally complete itself. I've cut here and there and I've purged here and there but it really comes down to controlling myself and perfecting that project I started many years ago. I was supposed to stop smoking in June, but yeah, right... Like that's going to happen. 

It's sad cuz I dunno how many of you still exist out there.. Hearing my cries. My fat filled cries.. It's like fuck !! Lose the weight already.. I thought you had a beating disorder.. I do. I am disordered. But I'm learning to hide it behind an even better smoke, especially now since school is done. 

It's ducked up because I had a perfect body and I wasted it. Now telling Seth after he fixed my size0 sister that I once had a body is like telling him I once had a penis... 

I don't know why I can't let go of him. I don't think he wants me to either. Lately he's been so sweet. He finally took me out to eat and he did two times in a week. We haven't even argued in about a week. I don't know what the fuck to do. The only way I know how to get over my fucking insecurities is to lose the god damned weight. The fastest way possible. Summer is practically here. I just went good shopping and now that I'm thinking about it, it's a fucking waste... I should have stocked up on water and coffee... Ugh I feel like I'm venting to a blank wall now. Emptiness is about to kick it, I swear. Is this what a B.A. Is all about? 

Ps : for the record... It's Angelina Jolie's birthday... I think 

...fucking Geminis...