Obsessive...

I hate that I have such a fucking obsessive personality.
I hate that I've lost everything
I hate being fatter than hell
I hate that I have nothing to show for anymore with this disgusting body

I ate a grilled cheese sandwich.... not the crust.. and I got the usually fat filled frap... and threw it away! I can't deal with this anymore.

I was perfect! Doesn't anyone get it? No one out here knew me when I had it all. Let me tell you.. Don't let them put you on Zoloft.. You'll never give a fuck about anything again and you will lose everything! I had so much..
I had control.

I have no control over anything anymore..
YOU FAT FUCK! Get it together..
I feel like my whole world is a complete tragedy.. I'm so over it.
Seth... I don't even know what to say anymore because when I belted out everything and decided to remain platonic friends.. I told him he was critical and mean and that I can't be myself anymore... And When I said all I had to say.. like about how he fucked my sister.. and how the image of them making out will never leave my mind! and how no matter what.. "I could tighten up"

I COULD TIGHTEN UP! IF YOU KNEW ME WHEN I WAS FATTER YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT...

But then again... If he knew me at 115... he would say not just tighten up.. but stop stuffing your god damn face!
I'm such a failure..
I feel like I have nothing..
I'm 169.... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!
I'm hoping I start my fucking period soon... because at some point.. I don't want one at all...

I am living off of these diet pills now...I wish I knew how to get back the me I used to be before I let go of everything.

I was so beautiful. I was so perfect.. and I let it go cuz I hated everything and everyone ..
The cutting has been at a new high... I've began to purge with in the last couple years.. My destruction just gets worse.. until these rolls dissapear.. so many people would disagree that I was worse... But I know what's real... When I lost everything and everyone.. I knew.. I ALWAYS FUCKING KNEW that I AT LEAST had my fucking body... and now ...

I have nothing.. I have no one.. I have this digusting vessel to rot in while I keep remembering that if I was thin at the time Seth had a choice... He would have picked me and not my skinny sister.. because I would have been hotter.. And I would have had real tits!

I hate being ugly. I hate being fat. I hate my body soo fucking much.. I have lost all my confidence..

I've lost everything I once was proud of ... I have a degree..

I have a BA.. and I still don't give a fuck. I'm a manager at a retail store...

I don't give a fuck.. I'm a fat, dumb girl, now, with a lot of regret.

'Til next time...

-LR