Triggers...

I've been fasting for 4 days.

I've lost 6 lbs so far.

I have convinced myself that I don't need food. That my body will eat up all the fat and use that energy.  I feel better not eating. Powerful. Happier.

No food = no feelings = no pain.

I wish I would have figured this out sooner.
Like before all the shitty weight gain over time and through the tragedies.

Before I met Seth.

We're still seeing each other.

I guess,

I told him today that we needed some time away from one another because I hate the way he talks to me. 

But I deserved it.

I tried to kill myself and he saved me.
Out of anger he lost control because I scared him.

But ultimately, I did deserve it.

I have a phobia of certain public places.  I can't be around pretty people or I freak out and want to go home.  I can't be around really skinny people because I get really anxious and want to go home.  I went to the store the other fay and left because there was a really pretty girl walking with her boyfriend.

Are these my new triggers? Because he called me fat? [ which he denies, now, by the way]

I had a panic attack last night at his apt.  I was in his living room. It was 4 am.  He was asleep. I was alone.

I had a nose bleed today.

I was late to work because we were arguing and I left to go back home.

I feel kinda numb today....

But I like it..

I had a flashback the other night.

It was horrible.

First one in years..

What happened?

Is it sad that I'm happy about this huge trigger?

I'm comforted by all of this...

I can't believe it... but I can.. I remember the emptiness like HS.
I remember the safe feeling knowing that I can say no.

I don't need food.
As long as I stay hydrated.. I don't need food.
I need water and coffee.

I have plenty of fat to burn for an energy source. I have Seth convinced that it's me getting in touch with my primate ways.  That if we were still hunter gatherers we wouldn't eat half as much if we had to hunt for our food. So I'm only eating when I'm hungry.  And I know that when I'm hungry, I'm most likely thirsty since I have so much fat.

Fat is first to go.. then muscle..

I have A LONG way to go still.

One day at a time.

-LR