Little Miss Sunsihine...

I think we are always, at all times, especially as women, supposed to shine.  Never a dull day is ever expected from beneath the surface.  Use your beautiful skin to smile. If your skin isn't beautiful be sweet enough to where it doesn't matter so when he kiss your cheek he expects to taste sugar and not you.  Oh, but it must be you.  Make it be a part of you, they say.  They say what is ladylike.  No true colors shown. 

Be forgotten.  Be mysterious. But be truthful.  So I suppose we are supposed to appear to be mysterious.  So the one's who have no truth to tell must seem as though there is some unGodly truth hidden in the walls behind her vagina while those of us with truths that would seem mysterious are doomed because we reveal our truths and therefore become less interesting because now we only APPEAR damaged and incapable. 

I was told as a young adult that men are stupid and incapable of handling our skeletons so therefore we, as ladies, should never share our demons with our men.  Meanwhile, in a young relationship, I was told by a man that I was to tell him everything because how can one know if he is in love without knowing his lover inside and out? 

So, to whom do we listen? Neither successful enough to lead by example.  Neither respectable enough to give credit for truth in experience. 

Perhaps it's up to me to follow my own guide and wisdom and accept myself as broken and unfixable.
Not mysterious enough to continue remaining silent because then one is always accused of being a liar.
Not innocent enough to speak truth because then one is only seen as a vessel of baggage. 

Are we not allowed to be hurt in our lives? Are we supposed to forget the pain and continue making the same mistake?
I wish I knew how I was viewed. 
Too intelligent? And now an intimidation?
Too sensitive? And now seen as weak?
Too silly? And now too immature?
Too different? And now too complicated?
Too loving? And now too easy?
Too giving? And now easily taken for granted?


Because my understanding is it's not everyone else with the problem, it's you.
But then you meet someone who completes you and understands you, and he tells you it's not you, it's them.  That society is dead. But then tells you he doesn't want to commit to you because you're not perfect enough.
Not particularly in those words, but essentially he's never found anyone perfect enough to settle down for.  Or excuse me, get tied down. 

WHO THE FUCK IS TYING SOMEONE DOWN?

I'm throwing in the towel. I'm fed up. I'm so over this sad pathetic world of loneliness.  I miss being child. 
I spent time with an old crush yesterday who opened my eyes to more... He misses being a child and I couldn't even remember being a child.  I never got to live and enjoy a carefree life. I always judged and made too many mistake. My mouth is what always got me in trouble whether it was for saying too much or always saying too little. I feel stupid because I never understood discretion. I never understood what it was like to verbally modest with the exception of when it came to giving myself credit for anything.  His response to me not remembering being a kid was," You need to go fuck a psychologist." 

Hopeless.  Broken.  I've just had it with my heart.  It's too soft to continue to remain on a broken path. 


I was told to stop rushing my life and to sit back, relax and enjoy mine day by day. How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy myself in my shit filled apartment? Alone? You like being alone. I've been alone my entire life.  While you're sitting here with numerous people calling you and asking you for help that you may not want to give... at least you have people who count on you.  No one takes me serious enough to even think about calling except for people who don't even listen to what I have to say anything.

It's like I'm a walking fucking joke.  Good enough to call for a good fuck.. but not good enough to keep around for romance. Nothing serious anyway.  Never thought of as a wife.  Never thought of as anything good but a tight little vagina who fears nothing in the sack! Yeah talk about keeping it interesting. I'm condemned because I have a sexual appetite like no tomorrow? 

I just wanna be fucking numb.  This is why women become strippers and porn stars..

They're fucking numb, but still loved by men.


I just want to be fucking numb.

-LR.