What Happened?

What has happened to my life??

I'll be 26 years old this Summer.
I'm "over weight".  [In my eyes, anyway.]
I'm single. [For the most part, anyway.]
I'm childless. [By choice]
I'm degreeless. [Not by choice]
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I have barely any friends.

I read my diary when I was in high school and I thought I'd be married and have 3 kids by now.

I feel so worthless. I feel gross. I've never been proposed to.  I've never been with anyone who would have wanted to marry me. 

I fell in love with my neighbor. Who has also fucked my sister.  He has been the greatest friend I have ever had.  Here's the story...

First of all:  I'd like to take a moment to say this is pretty ballsy of me to post this on a blog on the internet despite how anonymous this may be. 

Once upon a time.. Lisa Rowe met a boy who we'll call Titan.  He soon became my boyfriend and we moved out.  During the time of our residency together, there was a beautiful "young" bachelor who moved next door who we'll name "Seth". 

Seth and I became friends instantly.  He was very genuine and real and giving.  He would occassionally make us food and always inquired about our lives.  Titan and I went to a concert to see his favorite band.  Soon after [ a few days or so] Seth found cheap tickets online for my favorite band and we decided to all go. 

Seth brought a guy friend while Titan and I went together.  During the concert, I got so happy I cried and when I turned around to share it with Titan.. I saw him sitting and sulking on the grass about 20 feet away from me with his head in his knees and when I asked what was wrong he said he had a head ache.  I looked back only to find Seth up on the rails singing all the words cheering in the crowd..

It was that moment I realized how much more fun it would have been to come with him.  I realized then... that I was no longer "in love" with Titan.. but totally falling for Seth but knew there was no way I could let go.

--or so I thought....

In 2012 I got fired from my job.  I had been working there for quite some time and was absolutely devastated being the perfectionist I tend to be. 

I cried almost every night for months because not only was it a loss of money, but I was also in school and I was thrown under the bus by a good friend [or good friend].  At some point [soon] Titan was sick of my bitching and began to tell me shit like,"  I don't want to hear about your fucking job.  Just get over it already."

So I'd stay up all night after he went to sleep cuz he had to get up early and since we didn't smoke inside, I'd go outside for a cigarette at 3-5am and cry alone silently.  One night soon after I was fired and Titan was fed up,  Seth came outside and stayed out there with me.  He genuinely cared if I was okay and gave me hug and even gave me tips to sue the manager and told me things to make sure I smiled and to make sure I was okay. 

He cared.

Summer came and all I wanted for my birthday was to go to the beach... Titan never took me.  SO I went to Hollywood a few days after my birthday.. had my party .. and the next morning I "talked to him" and we broke up. 

During the break up.. Seth was there for me.

After the break up.  My sister came to visit. Me and Titan got back together for like a week and then broke up.  While my sister was here I thought it would be genius to hook her single ass up with Seth.. Cuz there was no way I could have him since he was also friend with Titan.. [He was our neighbor].  My sister slept with Seth.. I walked in on them making out.

Soon my sister moved to Hawaii and fucked a bunch of dudes and got over Seth... Meanwhile.. I had already started a new job.. met some new cuties at work and looked them up in my horoscope books..

Who else was better to share the information with than my hot ass neighbor who also read horoscope books and even knew more about them??

I went over there.. Brought the books and then we found out we were "love matches" along with "good sex".

We started making out.. I didn't sleep with him but I gave him head. 

We ended up fucking eventually and then he got distant for a while..

Eventually I heard him fuck another girl through my wall.. but who was I to get upset.. Me and Titan had fucked a couple times also. 

I crashed my car after my Senior art show. 

I called Titan.
He responded with," Well, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?"
I hung up.
I called Seth. Seth came and picked me up. Drove back on to the freeway to find my bumper and license plate and then told me when Titan left for work, to come over and cuddle if I'd like. 

I cuddled with him and spent the night for the first time. I even appologized for sleeping there.  He told me it was fine.. and that "THAT" was the idea. 

He's changed my tired. Picked me up and waited with me when my car broke down again..

When I moved out... I was super lonely... I texted him. 
He was nurturing.  He was caring. told me I could use him to get over Titan.
I did. But I fell in love.

2 days for Valentine's day I got super horny and had my friend drop me off at his apartment.  I spent the night fucked his brains out and had a moment with him during sex that was purly blissfull.

I've  moved back into my apartment [the same one] without Titan, and I have still to this day been spending the night at Seth's almost every night.  I have gone crazy. I have told him how I felt.  He admits that he's not looking for a relationship and that I am just a good friend.. but even since then he has opened up more and more. 

He no longer kisses me cuz he doesn't want to get me too attached.  I still can't understand that. Sex and his brain is more attractive than making out with him. 

Last night he grabbed my thigh and squished it and said, "That's hot."

I was like ," How sad! I'm not going to eat for a week now thanks!."

He told me .."Mine does that too look... Don't be silly.  Don't be insecure. There's no reason to be insecure."

I refuse to eat.

There is every reason to be insecure.
I'm disgusting and YOU don't want me.  So friend or fuck buddy.. I love you, Seth.

Ofcourse.. I never said THAT I just thought it.

I am 25 almost 26 years old.
I am still in school since I finished high school because my dumb ass is lazy and can't seem to pass my shit.
I have no boyfriend nor any intention of dating because Seth is perfect.

I have NEVER fallen in love like this before.
And I'm so sad. because I'm not "perfect" enough for him.

At least I don't think so. 

I feel like I'm going to broke, heartbroken, ugly, fat, old, and alone for the rest of my life. 

I hate this life.

Why does the universe do this to me?

I love him and want him so much.  I wish I could change his mind and make him see how wonderful this could be.  But he's never even had a gf.  He won't even give love a chance. 

Why should I?

What happened?

I used to be a beautiful, talented, over acheiving, wonderful young girl.

I'm torn, battered, and broken.  There are so many signs.

So many signs.. that have it all make sense.. Like the Universe is trying to tell me something.  I wish he saw that.


I miss kissing him. 

-LR