First Love....[please read]

Have you ever fallen in love and hoped that maybe you would have that feeling again..?

The feeling of the butterflies and atticipation and that passionate feeling you get when you first lay your lips upon the other?

What if the only reason you left was because the amount of love you had for one another was so big that there was nothing you could do about it.  And now that you have a chance to run free with it.. He tells you...

"We worked everything out and we're so in love now. It's nice to finally be able to have faith in a relationship and trust someone.  I finally love someone for their personality and not their looks because honestly, she's not hot but she's an awesome person."

Those words besides... "Can you keep a secret? H---- is pregnant.  We're not going to keep it." are the most painful fucking, reality check inducing, words...

It's like, I dunno what's more fucking devastating right now.

Background:

Once upon a time Lisa Rowe fell in love.  She lost her virginity and was told that because she popped her own cherry on accident as a child, she was a whore and a liar.  Then she cheated on him when he told her he loved her by making out and getting fingered by a relative's neighbor across the fucking country.  She hated herself enough to push him away when he told her "I love you".  So being the revengeful genius he was, he decided to not necessarily get visibley angry, but proceeded to get even by cheating on her repeatedly.

He pushed her to limits of suicide and 15 minutes before the decision of death was final and irreversible due to the amount of pills digested in her blood stream 8 hours later, he saved her life by making her step father rush her to the ER. He saved her life.  She saved his when she'd come home by pulling him off an 18th story balcony.  When he left for good [or so she thought] in came the [later to be known as] Fuck Buddy.  He was there for her when she was left alone at an afterschool event crying to herself. No one else gave a fuck. No one else showed concern.

 "Hey, Lisa... I know we're not close anymore like we used to be in middle school, but I've been hearing somethings... and seeing you like this worries me. Is everything okay? I'm here if you want to talk to me. "

She broke.....
She melted...

The guy she had her first kiss with was holding her and comforting her while she cried because she was heartbroken by the guy who took her innocence.

Time went by and Lisa and the "Fuck Buddy" began talking that summer.  There was a camp for the program they were all in, "Band Camp".. and he said although he was section leader this year, he didn't want to go because he had no one there to have fun with anymore. Lisa told him to go for her because everyone she's going for, was going for the First Love.

Noticing the attention between them, the First Love caught on and began to come around as a "friend" and ask questions. "So what's going on between you and "Fuck Buddy"?.

"Nothing"---- fearing a response of rejection from the one person Lisa Rowe wanted the most at the time.

On the way down to band camp she sat with the Fuck Buddy. At the first stop for lunch, by a grocery store, she got off the bus and was told by the First Love to buy condoms cuz "you never know".  Lisa told the Fuck Buddy to stay on the bus because she was embarrassed to buy "girly items" in front of a guy.....

He was so naive as to what was going on his response was," My mother raised me. I've been around women my whole life. You think I've never seen tampons or pads before?"

Lisa's thought at that moment was.... "You've never seen how much someone will go through to save love... before"


A few days went by and the First Love confessed his love back to Lisa by telling her, "to listen to Track # -- tonight before you go to sleep tonight." [The lyrics were a story of a love confession. The man in the song was singing to her heart and she caved.]

The Fuck Buddy was, before, a table mate at breakfast and other meals and a seat buddy, and a friend to hang out with during break and while he waited for Lisa to sit with him again.. Lisa migrated to the First Love's bench and ended up fucking him during breaks.

The Fuck Buddy began sitting with the new freshmen.  He sat with someone else on the ride home.. Eventually, the question was asked..."So are you and -------- back together now?" 



School started.... The First Love and Lisa never re-united.  In fact they became friends and it was told to him that she had feelings for Fuck Buddy... First Love explained that Fuck Buddy was a douche and that he just wanted to fuck other girls and that she should stay away from him, if anyone.. "Date anyone but him.."

She still wanted him.. Time went by and Lisa and the First Love met again. Rejoiced again. Reunited again.  He cheated again.... after she moved away to another school because her parents didn't want her anymore.  He cheated again... after she gave her heart to him again and promised honesty and loyalty and finally meant it.  He fucking cheated again... "LOSE MY FUCKING NUMBER AND NEVER FUCKING CALL ME AGAIN! THERE ARE TOO MANY HOT  GUYS OUT HERE WHO WOULD NEVER FUCKING DO THAT TO ME BECAUSE THEY WOULD APPRECIATE THE SHIT I DO!"....

She died inside.... it was over.. for good.  11 years old they met on a field.  She named him "Buddy" cuz she could never remember his name. Two weeks later she asked him to be her boyfriend and his response was, like any typical 11 year old boy," I don't want a girlfriend right now."  At 13 she crushed on him, and they decided to stay friends.  At 14 they kissed and stayed in band for one another. At 14 they began a story that would change their life forever.... At 17 he cheated... At 17 it ended... At 17 her life went into darkness and carelessness... the only person she had ever truly loved was gone... she had no reason to care anymore....

At 17 he dated her best friend........and took her to prom... At 15 Lisa's spirit died.  At 17.. so did her soul.

A year later... The Fuck Buddy and Lisa began to talk again.. He admitted to her that he had been looking for someone who was close enough to be a trustworthy friend, but would be okay with sleeping with one another and keeping it a secret.. Not thinking much of it.. Lisa gave in....

A huge flow of emotions dropped in and she confessed that the "No Strings Attatched" rule was soooo not happening.. They took a break..

They fucked again.  They told each other all the fantasies they had and tried as many as possible.  They took a break..

MySpace...

"Fuck Buddy and 'Your old friend from your high school social group who knew how much you liked him' are in a relationship."

Lisa died........

Her heart had never been so sore. It had never felt so thrashed.  Her heart was the epitome of putrid smells and agony.  Lisa hated herself...

When they broke up, he came to Lisa.  The day they broke up, he fucked Lisa. 

When Lisa had other problems in other relationships.. he was still there to listen. 


She had the best sex with him... But was never allowed to love him.


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There are two people in this would who have given me butterflies... One them I'd die for and the other just kills me to watch disappear.  I have been in other relationships.. I have "loved" people and thought I was "in love" so I could get over the others. 

I have not felt butterflies since I was with the First Love.  I have not orgasm-ed since I've slept with the Fuck Buddy.

The Fuck Buddy no longer returns text messages.  The First Love just told me, last night, how happy he was with his gf after just telling me, 2 hours prior, to move to Oregon cuz he plans on moving there too...

I used to want to move to Oregon.  I told the First Love that a long time ago... Now he wants to move to Oregon. I want to move to New York.

I want to get as far away from both of them so I can start my life over and get away from all the pain.  I think my heart dropped to my feet last night. I haven't eaten since 1:00 pm yesterday.... I had a few garlic fries when we all drank last night. And that's about it.

I need to move away. I need to get away before I fucking waste away waiting for something that I'll never feel again..

I feel bad for my bf.  He's amazing.  I just can't love him like I should. I can't love him like he deserves because my heart belongs to someone else and my body belongs to the other.

Maybe there is a man in New York, tall, handsome, blue eyed [cuz the First Love's eyes are the kryptonite to my soul], successful, funny, artsy, outgoing, and healthy... who will love me, give me a reason to fall in love with him, and will consume my body as a whole and take me away from the demons and dangers of my past and will walk with me holding my hand, unable to let go, through central park watching the sunset in the park and the sunrise on the beach.... maybe...just fucking maybe....

....i hope.