"We suffer everyday. What is it for? These crowns of illusion..."
"It's only you who can tear me apart."
Seth and I argued like never before. I told thank you for the help but I think I need to do the rest on my own.
I'm too stubborn for my own good and it'll be the finalization to my own catastrophe.
I cleaned the fuck outta my kitchen today. I cleaned the fuck outta my living room today.
I'm tired of everything. I wanna throw away all my shit. I wanna disappear. I have a feeling he's not coming back anymore.
He detaches easily.
Good bye true love.
I'll regret this in a month.
When he's fucking someone else through my wall again.
I wish I could find the balls to slit my wrists and bleed to death.
It's hilarious because no one knows that I feel this way.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
I think I'm too curious to die but too hopeless to live.
I'm so over everything. I'll just sit in my apartment and rot.
Hah! I fucking hate myself.
-LR.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Thrice Thinking Twice
Wake Up.
No Response
Summer days are becoming almost as lonely as Summer nights.
How do you make the constant broken record of bullshit stop in your brain.
"He doesn't want you!"
"Get over it."
"You let him do that to you."
"You don't deserve to be happy."
"Whore."
"Fat Whore."
"You Monster!"
"I am unprotected. I am vulnerable. I lack protection. I will never be safe. Only safe behind my walls of protection. And yes it's lonely. But I'd rather be lonely than be hurt again."
"He's gonna hurt you even though he says he doesn't want to."
I need to get away.
It's not that love hurts. It's just I've never felt real love before.
How can one be secure in themselves when they've never felt the warmth of real love.
What I thought was a glimpse of real love was only a fucked way of saying I wanna fuck.
"It's all over now."
This is what adulthood has become.
A lonely fucked up world of no one responding to your most vulnerable text messages.
They tell you to open up. You demand that they get over that idea because you know what happens when you open doors.
You end up having a lot of fun drinking with friend until it's time to lay alone again in an empty ass apartment with a mean shit head of a cat. You lay down your head. You try to close your eyes. Turn off all the lights. Set your alarm because even though you don't have work there's a lot of work to do. OCD. Germaphobe. In and out. Up and Down.... "Women are all over the place..Most of them anyway."
You toss your pillows. You switch pillows. You hug pillows. You punch your pillows. You get angry and then
BAM!!!!!!!
All the thoughts of all things you said when you opened up come in like fucking flood behind a broken dam and your world is upside down again.
You fucking whore.
You dirty disgusting whore.
You are a horrible person.
He doesn't love you.
You're so pathetic.
And then the gates let in the flood to point your stomach is turning from all the pain.
Broken heart.
Broken childhood.
Broken Brain.
You text because you were told,"I'll always be there for you. "
No one responds.
You cry harder. Begging the universe for a fucking escape. Where are the pills? You don't have any. There's nothing to take this pain away. Nothing!
Where's the broken glass?
You threw it all away.
Where's the blade?
Oh, wait! You're not supposed to do that, right?
So you send someone else a text. The last one you opened up to. No response.
Time to cry harder I suppose.
No one "really" fucking cares.
You're just left to rot in your fucking tears at 26 years old crying over fucked up shit that happened to you when you were 5 and when you tried to fucking grow up at 14.
GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING SORRY ASS CUNT BAG!
Wake up in the morning with hopes in the god forsaken Universe that everything will be okay in the morning.
You wake up [alone]. You get up [alone]. You make your way into the kitchen to finish the project you started a week ago. And then BAM! All hope is gone again. The universe and the world has let you down again.
No Response.
No change.
No smile.
No reason.
Just the same fucking broken record replaying the same fucking song.
I just wanna hold me breath until I pass out. Preferably under water.
I wanna disappear. Show this world just how fucking invisible I can really be.
I give up.
I miss the sweet little girl who used to wake up at 5 a.m. and exercise.
The one who set rules on herself. Who had dreams. Who had hopes.
I hate this brainwashed, bitter, angry woman I've become. If I could slit her throat, I would.
Just a heads up...
The world doesn't have patience for the hurt ones.
Pain fucking sucks.
You begin to clean. You see him.
"Are you okay?"
[in my mind I say," That would have been more of a legitimate question last night or this morning before you got dressed, don't you think?]
But what you really say is," Just fucking grand!"
"Cheer up."
"Oh, yeah overnight."
You are still alone.
Always alone.
Alone, to live your fucked up misery.
No one wants to hear your problems.
I hope I get hit by a fucking bus.
-Lr.
P.S. Think THRICE before you open your heart. Think a million times before you ever reveal your most painful secrets because exactly what you thought was going to happen, does.
It's a matter of time before I end up fucking committed.
I have no room for anyone in my life anymore.
I have no more room for more pain.
Enough is enough.
No Response
Summer days are becoming almost as lonely as Summer nights.
How do you make the constant broken record of bullshit stop in your brain.
"He doesn't want you!"
"Get over it."
"You let him do that to you."
"You don't deserve to be happy."
"Whore."
"Fat Whore."
"You Monster!"
"I am unprotected. I am vulnerable. I lack protection. I will never be safe. Only safe behind my walls of protection. And yes it's lonely. But I'd rather be lonely than be hurt again."
"He's gonna hurt you even though he says he doesn't want to."
I need to get away.
It's not that love hurts. It's just I've never felt real love before.
How can one be secure in themselves when they've never felt the warmth of real love.
What I thought was a glimpse of real love was only a fucked way of saying I wanna fuck.
"It's all over now."
This is what adulthood has become.
A lonely fucked up world of no one responding to your most vulnerable text messages.
They tell you to open up. You demand that they get over that idea because you know what happens when you open doors.
You end up having a lot of fun drinking with friend until it's time to lay alone again in an empty ass apartment with a mean shit head of a cat. You lay down your head. You try to close your eyes. Turn off all the lights. Set your alarm because even though you don't have work there's a lot of work to do. OCD. Germaphobe. In and out. Up and Down.... "Women are all over the place..Most of them anyway."
You toss your pillows. You switch pillows. You hug pillows. You punch your pillows. You get angry and then
BAM!!!!!!!
All the thoughts of all things you said when you opened up come in like fucking flood behind a broken dam and your world is upside down again.
You fucking whore.
You dirty disgusting whore.
You are a horrible person.
He doesn't love you.
You're so pathetic.
And then the gates let in the flood to point your stomach is turning from all the pain.
Broken heart.
Broken childhood.
Broken Brain.
You text because you were told,"I'll always be there for you. "
No one responds.
You cry harder. Begging the universe for a fucking escape. Where are the pills? You don't have any. There's nothing to take this pain away. Nothing!
Where's the broken glass?
You threw it all away.
Where's the blade?
Oh, wait! You're not supposed to do that, right?
So you send someone else a text. The last one you opened up to. No response.
Time to cry harder I suppose.
No one "really" fucking cares.
You're just left to rot in your fucking tears at 26 years old crying over fucked up shit that happened to you when you were 5 and when you tried to fucking grow up at 14.
GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING SORRY ASS CUNT BAG!
Wake up in the morning with hopes in the god forsaken Universe that everything will be okay in the morning.
You wake up [alone]. You get up [alone]. You make your way into the kitchen to finish the project you started a week ago. And then BAM! All hope is gone again. The universe and the world has let you down again.
No Response.
No change.
No smile.
No reason.
Just the same fucking broken record replaying the same fucking song.
I just wanna hold me breath until I pass out. Preferably under water.
I wanna disappear. Show this world just how fucking invisible I can really be.
I give up.
I miss the sweet little girl who used to wake up at 5 a.m. and exercise.
The one who set rules on herself. Who had dreams. Who had hopes.
I hate this brainwashed, bitter, angry woman I've become. If I could slit her throat, I would.
Just a heads up...
The world doesn't have patience for the hurt ones.
Pain fucking sucks.
You begin to clean. You see him.
"Are you okay?"
[in my mind I say," That would have been more of a legitimate question last night or this morning before you got dressed, don't you think?]
But what you really say is," Just fucking grand!"
"Cheer up."
"Oh, yeah overnight."
You are still alone.
Always alone.
Alone, to live your fucked up misery.
No one wants to hear your problems.
I hope I get hit by a fucking bus.
-Lr.
P.S. Think THRICE before you open your heart. Think a million times before you ever reveal your most painful secrets because exactly what you thought was going to happen, does.
It's a matter of time before I end up fucking committed.
I have no room for anyone in my life anymore.
I have no more room for more pain.
Enough is enough.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Keep the Silence; Keep the Peace...
Just got off the phone with my grandmother..
The one who used to save me from my mental demons.
She kidnap me and we'd go to lunch and eat Chinese chicken salads.
She said this age [26] was her enlightening age. She learned so much at this age. She really enjoyed this one the most.
This is NOT the case with me.
I miss things going back to normal.
Wait.. what's that? Normal?
This is the best it's ever been..
"Supposedly"
It's sad to even admit that.
I have no food in my apartment.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Seth asked me this morning [when I woke up in his bed]
If I ate as a reply to me saying,"I feel weak."
I should have never told him anything.
Now everyday is bombarded with stupid questions like
"Are you okay?"
"How was day?"
"Was today better?"
"Did you eat?"
Ugh! NO NO NO
Hence the reason I never wanted to tell you anything. Cuz I knew you'd bring it up.
Leave me alone.
Just go away!
Let me rot in my pathetic [un-paid-for] apartment.
I wish I could fade away into bones and disappear.
He's so tiny. Why would he want to fuck a cow?
I wouldn't....
Scale = 157
But my size is the same as it was when I was 148...
I don't understand.
It's gross.
Fuck food.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
Just me.
-LR.
The one who used to save me from my mental demons.
She kidnap me and we'd go to lunch and eat Chinese chicken salads.
She said this age [26] was her enlightening age. She learned so much at this age. She really enjoyed this one the most.
This is NOT the case with me.
I miss things going back to normal.
Wait.. what's that? Normal?
This is the best it's ever been..
"Supposedly"
It's sad to even admit that.
I have no food in my apartment.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Seth asked me this morning [when I woke up in his bed]
If I ate as a reply to me saying,"I feel weak."
I should have never told him anything.
Now everyday is bombarded with stupid questions like
"Are you okay?"
"How was day?"
"Was today better?"
"Did you eat?"
Ugh! NO NO NO
Hence the reason I never wanted to tell you anything. Cuz I knew you'd bring it up.
Leave me alone.
Just go away!
Let me rot in my pathetic [un-paid-for] apartment.
I wish I could fade away into bones and disappear.
He's so tiny. Why would he want to fuck a cow?
I wouldn't....
Scale = 157
But my size is the same as it was when I was 148...
I don't understand.
It's gross.
Fuck food.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
Just me.
-LR.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Daddy Daddy
Daddy Daddy
pay my rent
Be the one
Whom I call to vent
Daddy Daddy
He calls last night
Calls me fat
and to keep up the fight
Daddy Daddy
Called me today
fat again
a little exercise wouldn't hurt
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I was 5?
While the beast with my mom touched my thighs
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I lived
because I was awfully close
I wish I hadn't
Daddy Daddy
Why did you leave
Fight for me
Stop making fun and hug me
Daddy Daddy
I'm fucked up now
Can't make you proud
I'm just your fat cow
Daddy Daddy
I wish I were dead
Did you know
I never sleep in my own bed
Daddy Daddy
put the beer down
Cuz you're an asshole
when you're not around
Daddy Daddy
I feel sick
Sick from the saddness
Death by dick.
pay my rent
Be the one
Whom I call to vent
Daddy Daddy
He calls last night
Calls me fat
and to keep up the fight
Daddy Daddy
Called me today
fat again
a little exercise wouldn't hurt
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I was 5?
While the beast with my mom touched my thighs
Daddy Daddy
Where were you when I lived
because I was awfully close
I wish I hadn't
Daddy Daddy
Why did you leave
Fight for me
Stop making fun and hug me
Daddy Daddy
I'm fucked up now
Can't make you proud
I'm just your fat cow
Daddy Daddy
I wish I were dead
Did you know
I never sleep in my own bed
Daddy Daddy
put the beer down
Cuz you're an asshole
when you're not around
Daddy Daddy
I feel sick
Sick from the saddness
Death by dick.
Monday, July 1, 2013
You're fucking sick!
I thought I was getting better.
I thought everything was going to be okay.
I just feel gross now.
I'm embarassed.
I'm annoyed.
I purged today.
I want to be empty. I am empty.
I'll never be good enough for anyone else.
I'm damaged goods.
No one wants damaged goods.
-LR
I thought everything was going to be okay.
I just feel gross now.
I'm embarassed.
I'm annoyed.
I purged today.
I want to be empty. I am empty.
I'll never be good enough for anyone else.
I'm damaged goods.
No one wants damaged goods.
-LR
A Secret; Can You Keep It?
I told him my secrets. His eyes filled with hatred. Then he wanted to fuck me again, sucked on my tits while I sucked his dick and then we called it a night.
He said his assumptions are correct and that nothing has changed.
But I've changed. I can't love him anymore. I'm dirty now.
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