In 2016 I was a hot fucking mess. The year started off with me questioning my relationship. I was teaching kids art and trying to figure out how to move back to LA.. not just LA county. I was finally back down to a size 6 and I was feeling good about it.
I wasn't eating meat except sushi and fish, no bread, no carbs, no starches, no sugars, very little dairy, white cheeses only, and anything I ate was organic or non GMO. I obviously didn't drink soda and mainly drank black coffee, an occasional latte, tea, and organic raw milk. I was on and off of diet pills and just completely invested in getting back on my old routine schedule I had been praying to get back on since I ever left it.
I was waking up at 6 am every day and having a power hour and really making my time count. I got my first art job helping paint a job on a set for a local high school. I was working with a friend of mine from college. My life was finally going the way I wanted it to... Or so I thought...
One day, while painting on the set, we decided we were going to drink beer. Well, me and this friend got into a heated discussion a couple days before that and she embarrassed me in front of students.. so I was a little salty... I wasn't feeling too shabby so I took a couple sips of my imperial stout and was done. I capped it and put it back in my bag. My hand reeked of alcohol.. so I figured since they give DUI's out like candy, I should take the freeway home just in case.. even thought I wasn't even drunk... nor had I even been drinking.. I TOOK TWO FUCKING SIPS! Anyway.. My paranoia made me think of beer smells etc so I took the freeway.
As I'm on the freeway, it's Friday night, about 1:30 am.. prime time for drunkards driving.. so I stayed in the slow lane to avoid the havoc... and BOOM.. I hit a fucking black lab and completely totaled my fucking car.. I had just gone down to liability too because I couldn't afford full coverage.. so.. I was super fucked. I called a local tow truck company, Seth came to my rescue AGAIN! and we towed the car home.
I was in shock for about 2 days and then finally was able to calm down.. kinda.. I still have a hard time on the freeway in first lanes. I had a little PTSD for like month.. dicussed it with my therapist and tried to deal...
Well, no car meant, no job. I couldn't finish the art job. Seth was angry... I had to use his car for everything... and ask him for rides to get everywhere... I was just in a pile of shit. Well funds began dwindling and I had to find a way to make money so I decided Uber was an okay form of transportation and Seth offered to take me to work if I needed it.
So I got a job at a local retail clothing store ... Hot Topic. I was an assistant store manager. I got hired in as a manager which never fucking happens there.. and I was excited... I was so jazzed! I had always wanted to work at Hot Topic.. not to mention I was the fucking Assistant Store Manager!!!!! Anyway..
So .. to fast forward .. My boss hated me.. my staff hated me for instilling discipline in their customer service and cleaning skills... and eventually, I was fired for working off the clock for 15 min. It was shit! I was pissed... meanwhile, a temporary ASM who was there to help revamp the store.. and who also stole shit all the time.. replaced me.. I was super disappointed and depressed.
Luckily, Seth had just fixed my car so Uber was the way to go! I decided I would work Uber! Why not?? I mean it was easy money right?
No. Not for me. Not full-time anyway.
A couple months or about one month before I got fired, Seth got a notice that he had to move... Stupid management company was a piece of shit and took sides with orges without hearing Seth's side of the story... Unbiased, Seth really was in the right... but hey.. What ever.. it's over now, right? So along with me losing my job etc. Seth had to move.. no longer neighbors.. I was so fucking sad! There was just sooo much fucking drama and chaos.
Oh and I also crashed his car too and my insurance company totalled out his car.. and he got a good amount of money for it.. and that's how we were able to fix my car..
Anyway... then money was dwindling again.. and I couldn't afford my apartment because I wasn't making enough with Uber..... the anxiety affected me to the point I began not being able to leave my apartment.. I felt afraid, alone, and threatened by the world.. I couldn't even go to Target without a 30 minute crying meltdown in the car because I was deathly afraid of pretty people..... Ugh.. Seth had to prep talk me on the phone to walk inside. and then I'd walk in and be shaking with terror. It was horrible.. I couldn't go in for TOOTHPASTE! fucking horrible!
Around Thanksgiving.. I went and visited my grandmother.. I was hesitant for a lot of reasons... but she offered me to come live with her.. she said my cousin, who I really don't get along with very well.. wasn't allowed to come back .. and that it would be nice to move down to the beach etc and that I needed to be around family because of the panic attacks etc.. that I needed to be closer to family ....
I put my 30 day notice in in Jan.. and was out by Feb 2.
[SIDE STORY REALLY QUICKLY] I have been dehoarding my life for 5 years if not longer.. so I have a lot of stuff.. but nothing near as bad as the tv shows.. just pretty much a pack rat.. but still downsizing as I heal more.
Within 2 days... my grandma saw the amount of boxes I moved temporarily, and what I said was temporarily, in my room and she already wanted me to go.. so I pretty much got kicked out 2 days after living there.. I was already regreting this fucking move..
a month later and 2 weeks.. my cousin moved back in...
It has been a fucking shit show!
Anyway.. I should be moving by the end of April.. all my shit into a storage.. and then I'll be couch bouncing until I find a room to rent or a studio .. Preferably studio.. but CA is the most expensive place to live.. so don't move here.... Cuz it fucking sucks if you don't make enough money to rent your own place....
I will create another to explain my cousin in a nutshell another night. I don't feel like getting into that right now.
Ugh.
Next Post: My spiritual journey and my current today life.
-LR
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