There's no such thing as free rent...

I live in LA.
It's hot as fuck here.
I went to get a drink last night from the fridge.
Everything was as warm as it was when I put it in there two fucking days ago. I close the door hard and go to bed hoping I closed off any seals that could have been preventing it from working..

I wake up this morning.. All my food is thawed out and all the drinks in the fridge are the same temperature if not warmer than they were last night....
WTF!!!!!

I'm gonna go fucking crazy! I can't be left alone like this for this long. Seth had a friend over last night but still called to talk after I texted him all the bullshit that was going on in my head after I smoked.

I know he gets annoyed with it though. 

Then I wake up and my fridge isn't working? UGH

I have work in an hour and a half.  I have no money.. so I can afford to replace any of it.. and It's 104 outside and I can't even have a cold beverage.

I wanna jump off a fucking bridge. I'm so sick of everything just crumbling beneathe my feet.

I hate that I'm not worthy of being happy in my little fucked up world.  What's it gonna be today, Lisa?

"A cannon to the gut, ya dumb shit."

I had a dream about Seth last night. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately.  He snuck over my house.  This is the second dream I had of him sneaking in.  Can you say "FLASHBACKS!!!!"

from the first boyfriend.. We'll call him "Jebb"

I'm broken.
Challenged.
Guarded

FUCKING ANNOYED. My reflection, my direction, my notations, my life, my strife, my woes and miseries and traumas.. I HATE ALL OF IT!

Thank god, Titan doesnt live here anymore because what would have normally been interrupted by loud opening of doors or bitching that I'm spending enough attention on him or cleaning.. is no longer an issue. I can reach the peak of my ED and I can blog non stop all about it!

I can't be held back by all this bullshit!

Maybe this is why I'm so focused on losing weight.
No GMO foods, I boycotted them already.. everything I eat is mainly organic or from Trader Joes.
And I have been working out.
No more diet pills since they like to kill me but I may take occasional water pills for the water logging.  I just wanna be pure and clean and right.

Oh and THIN duh!

I can't believe my fucking fridge isn't working! I'm fucking pissed.


I'll never allow anyone in again. And I keep getting lonelier the longer I think about it.  UGH! I hate this. Everything is getting fucked up! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT??????????????????

I hate my fucking life.
I really fucking do!
I hate all of it.
I wanna fade away.
Into an oblivion.
and be gone.


Fuck today.

-Lisa Rowe