Seth, Me, Life, Update, Your Comments...

A little update on My Life, and so on...

Titan has a new gf. That's fine. I'm seriously happy for him and I've been over him for a while.  I tried to stay friends with him but the new gf is a jealous bitch... so no friend there..

Seth has still been a doll but every time I open up to him I feel like he pushes away further.  I'll say more about that in the LIFE update.  He is no asshole..despite how I may have made him sound.. [that doesn't seem grammatically correct...]Anyway, He cares...

Your Comments!

I read every single one of them and I more than appreciate your feed back and opinions. I take some with me and other I still read but may dismiss for a while. Doesn't matter.... It's just really nice to know that there are more people out there in the world who care.  I don't have much of a family and all my friends have vanished.. This has absolutely been the most lonely year of my life.  Even if I don't know you or see you, I care about you and it feels wonderful to know you all care enough about me to write a comment. Thank you!

Life....

Well... I'm still broker than a joke. I live in my own one bedroom apartment with a black mean as fuck cat.  My apartments have no A/C except for what's in the bedroom, nor a heater.. The windows are old cranking window panes made in the 50's or 60's so anything I DO have escapes from between the window panes.  I have super loud neighbors, gross carpets, and paper thin floors and walls.  I work part time at a local market and by part time I meant partially ANY time [10-15 hours a week at minimum wage]  and my bills are way more than I can even imagine to afford.  My dad pays my rent while I finish my last semester [hopefully] at school... Before some of you say," Must be nice..." keep in mind, I didn't meet my father til I was 18 and he is a drunk with 5 kids from 4 moms, two of which have children of their own, and he has never done anything for me, gets drunk, apologizes for that and then asks how he can make it up... Hence........ RENT! And yes... it could be worse.... and yes I DO feel lucky to have that cuz otherwise I'd be FUCKED! Like SUPER FUCKED.  And I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to live like that... People don't deserve a shittier lifestyle.  Anyway... I have three untreated mental disorders, and have at least a year before anything particularly changes drastically. 

My best friend has moved across the country.  My other close friend is super with his dying grandmother, his mom, his job, school, and new found social life.  My other group of friends from the local coffee shop, are too depressing and unwilling to change, my ex-coworker friend is too outta control for me, nor can I 100% trust him.  My family lives about 2-3 hours away, and my aunt is around the corner but living her broke yet happy lifestyle.  My sister who we'll name "Racky" lifes across 6 hours over ocean by plan and my dad and other family live about 3.5-5 hours away.  I am practically ALONE! I AM alone. 

Seth is my friend/neighbor who once fucked Racky, and we are not in a relationship but I sleep at his apartment every night with the exception when he has his friends over. I am in love with him. He cares about me, knows the surface of how I feel, doesn't understand me, but does care about me and has somewhat been contributing to "Let's Help Lisa Rowe Survive" fund.  He doesn't want to commit.  He is not considered Poly because he doesn't want rule with anyone. He claims to "Role Solo" but has never had someone spend the night as frequently as I have been nor has he had anything like me in his life. He has never had a girlfriend with the exception of 8th grade, but was heartbroken and no longer seeks rejection nor does he want to be responsible for emotions. 

What ever....

Call it what you will... He makes me happy at times.  Everything has bumps in it because I am the one who puts them there.  I am EXTREMELY insecure and EXTREMELY fearful of commitment. 

I saw a tarot card reader and she told me I need to let my pride down and allow him to help me and that I need to be more patient with people, and I need to hold on to things longer before throwing in the towel.  I have to allow myself to be hurt in order to grow.  She said I need to stop pressuring him with my feelings because it'll be too much for him and he will pull away.  I agreed. He has been...

Ugh.. He has a friend over there tonight [ which means I have to sleep in my bed alone[cuz he never comes over]] So, I'm home in my room, faded, and bored and ALWAYS horny...

I feel too manly to make the first move and yet I feel like he likes it when I make the first move but because of my insecurities, I see MAN BEAST MAKING FIRST MOVE!

UGh! I hate that I'm so insecure. I'm fucking gross.  I did my Jillian Michaels workout today and tried to be strong with my food intake, but then gave in.  I was good the last two days before that.  But Now I've been sucking.. TODAY!

Anyway.. I'm lonely as fuck and my birthday is coming up next Wednesday.. I'll be 26... I feel old, fat, ugly, broke and alone.  I really hate my life.. I feel helpless.. Miserable.. unfixable. I feel damaged. Like... permanently.. But I wanna be saved.

Like that song by Fiona Apple,

"How can I ask anyone to love me, when all I do is begged to left alone?"


I feel so complicated and unworthy of love.. It's not that I feel sorry for myself... I'm mad at myself.. Irritated. Disappointed.. and I feel like I can't and don't know how to fix it.   Which is why I isolate too.. because I know no one wants to be around it or hear it so I write now.. Here and in a notebook.

Where's my prince charming? Where is the man who will clean me and make me pretty? Where is the unconditional love I still need to experience? Will I always be alone?  Why am I so guarded? Where is the man with the keys to all the locks? I hope I find him one day....

I don't want to die alone. the thought of it makes me so sad. 


-LR.