Mondays

I have always found that Mondays are definately the best days to begin yet again! I am a failure at life.


My Stats :

HW: 197
LW:115
GW: 110 [at least]


CW: fat as fuck [168.3]

I had under 1000 cals today I didn't add EVERYTHING but I estimated 850. 

I can't believe how close I got and then fucked it all up! I was 149.7 then lost my fucking job and lost my fucking mind! I gained and lost and gained and lost and now I'm back to my fat lard ass self! I can't wait to bypass all of this again!

The purging and restricting begins today! I every fucking reason to do it.  Why brake down over being fat when you can starve your way to being fucking happy for once?

I'm doing this time. I'm losing a lb a day! cuz a lb a day keeps my fat rolls away.

You have no idea how bad things have been around me. talk about triggers.

I guess I tried to do it right this time by exercising and eating "healthy" HAH! Whatever the fuck "that" means anymore!

I went to lunch with the bf and his dad and his dad mentioned something about the large amounts of food I eat...

Then later this weekend we saw his brother and his gf. His gf is the tiniest fucking thing in the god damn universe and she's even had a kid! WTF!

So instead of getting mad like normal.. I got vindictive....

I'll show them.. Eat too much? Not tiny like "Herine"? K....

Not anymore. I'm back! And this time nothing and no one will stop me!

This time I'll be 110 and then 100 and then 90 until all the gross fucked up horrible thoughts go away and I can listen to music the way I used to. I can float into an abyss and dream of what will then be "happy" and "painless".

Today's Trigger:

Flashbacks, models, Wintergirls, Music, HS memories, subtle hints of self destruction that have been hinting at me from every vision in front of me.

Welcome back ED. I've missed you! Although I hate you! Let's finish this creation.  Let's paint the fucking canvass and have a little fuck when it's all done and ready to be admired.

-LR.