stuck...

I gave up on the ABC cuz I fucked up too much.  I'm just gonna stick to 2468 everyday from now on. 

I hope the rest of you are hanging in there. I hope you are doing better than your fellow failure... me.  I've lost which is good.. 5 lbs in 3 days.. but now I'm stuck. My met. is so sensitive now. It stops at the sight of no food. UGH! I hate this shit. I read up on a lot of shit, and I think I'm gonna switch from diet coke to sparkling water.  I think I need to just suffer for a while. Fuck the taste. I only eat to live.  I need to stay on that.

I'm a fucking fatso.  I want to hit at least the 130s in the next month and a half, and 110 asap. my ultimate goal is 100. I was reading on a site that that's what I would have to weigh in order to see thin.  So there ya go! 100 it is. 

It was so fucking sad... the bf came up to me today and told me he didn't understand my status update on FB and was like.. so I have no idea what's going with you lately... what did that mean.. and I told him I forgot.. I mean.. how am I supposed to explain why I laughed at irony in my status. there's a lot...

I went to a bar the other with a really good friend from HS [his dad died 2 days ago]  and his other bff was asking me.. so how are you? I was like.. "uhhhhhh... lol um..... I'm alive and breathing." 

She's like yeah , but how are you....
I was like that's been a hard question to answer lately.  Then I told him that I lost 5 lbs from the 10 i gained from getting fired, in 3 days and he's like.... LR, are you eating? I'm like.. yeah.... well, like.. a lot less, obviously.. he's like 5 lbs in 3 days is a lot and I worry about you...

No worry here!.... [in my head I'm thinking... no worry here, I'm just starving that's all cuz I'm extremely disgusted by my ridiculously gross body that I've let get to shit over the years and have done everything to stop and I can't... ]

I never wanted to resort back to starving myself, because my old best friend from hs told me it was bad for me and I really am a people pleaser at times..

But here I am.. I beat myself up over everything..

And I WONT stop til I'm 100 lb. Momma's not here to stop me anymore. 

I just can't wait to here them tell me how thin I am again.. I want them to question me so I can lie to them and tell them I eat ice cream all day.

tomorrow is easter and my mom is making ham..lucky for me, I don't like ham.... so I'll be eating veggies.....  I also get to leave early.. they are so fucking oblivious it's ridiculous... I'll do this.  she praises me when I'm thin..

She used to call me skinny minnie... and when I hit 149 and was size 7 again she started saying it again.. and it felt good to hear her say something good about me for once.

I'm 163 today.. I fucked up bad....

I was 168 at the beginning of my period..

I have about 3 more days til the period is over, then I'll begin diuretics and pills etc, and I found all these foods with met boosting ingredients in them... 2468 for the rest of my life...

100 is around the corner.  I just have to stay strong and shut up!

<3 Stay strong, lovies.. I hope you all hang in there..

After all, Fatties don't need to rule this place any longer.. let's make a difference..

I feel sick to my stomach....



btw... fiona apple is great thinspo music.. just saying... When I listen to her songs, I get super pumped... cuz she's been there .. I've been there... and I'm fuckin back... You have no idea how fucking sad I am.. I'm not gonna lie.. Lol. I feel like crying with a fucking smile.. I can't even cry anymore.. I couldn't cry over my friend's dad's death.. my bf was like LR it's okay to cry over this....

... i changed the subject and made us both laugh....

I don't cry.

I fucking derserve it.

I'm a horrible fucking person who doesn't deserve food or a tear..

i've never hated myself so much. 

lol.