Is There Anyone Out There?

I can't help but reach out to all of you.

I've been MIA the last few years... I've been going through so much.
I have lost so much.
No one around me REALLY knows what I've been through or how I feel and I really miss the support I had with my followers and in my chats.

I got caught up in so many things and got hurt by so many people.
I can't even explain to you the hurt I felt because I don't even think I fully understand it myself.
It's so deep, even therapy and pills no longer work and I've facing the music alone.

Seth is still by my side, but now I live really far away.
Somehow, we managed to keep this together even though we live almost 100 miles away from each other. 
It hasn't been easy, but I'm definitely grateful.

I guess in some ways my life has improved from where it was before, but the things I had, that didn't need to change, I lost.  So, it seems like I flipped a bargain and traded the okay things for more problems. 
It feels like all the things that were fine, are now problems and all the problems I had, are fine. 

I'm still struggling with my weight.  I have a lot of reasons for it, that aren't excuses. 
Last year I found a cyst on my ovary, which means my hormones are imbalanced.  I need to go see a doctor and do blood work but I'm so afraid of doctors.

I recently was fucked over by my own therapist. I am now in debt an additional $3,000 because of him. 
I've been afraid of doctors since I was given a sleeping pill that almost killed me when I was 15. 

It seems like the majority of my problems are fear based in so many ways. And I'm the number one person to hate it when people complain about how afraid they are .. probably because I know how much fear I have in my heart. 
Most of the people I hear complain about their fears have a much bigger support circle than I do.  And I know this because, they know me.  I can trust myself to a degree, but I can't trust many people. 

Now that this quarantine and order has been set into place, I have been thinking about everything all day.  I am still being as productive as possible so I don't lose too much more during this, but it is really difficult and has presented a number of new challenges. 

It also has showed me everyone's true colors and has shown me who I can and cannot trust. 

If I haven't said it before I'll say it now:
I learned this quote from a guy named Peter, that I used to work with. 
He said, " Hurt people hurt people."

I get it.
I've done it.
But there's no excuse for being such intolerable, shitty people.
I've lost 3 of my closest friends as a result of coming out of my shell.
I told all three of them, that I was afraid of losing people as I was blossoming back into who I've been hiding for over 15 years.
And ALL THREE OF THEM told me they would be here no matter what.
And now, I can't even call them while I'm suffering through all of this alone.

I came back online after purging out all of this.  I left because I though social media and the internet we plaguing me and making me feel ways I didn't need to feel.  And now, I've come back, sifted through old blogs and pictures and realized that I left some really great people here and wish I never lost them.

This place made me feel important.  And the people I connected with were so sweet.  I miss it so much. 

I really want to share what happened but it is so long and I just don't want to relive the emotions.
I'm sure over time as I deal with everything, you will hear about somethings in my rants, but for now, I'm going to do my best to move forward and hopefully one day, this blog will makes sense to me and have a place in my life again.

I hope you are better and thriving.  After all, I'm sure a lot of you have grown up so much. It's been about 5-6 years since I "met" some of you.

Some trends die out and I guess I'm late to the show.  Seems to be the case in so many ways in my life.. I hope I have enough time to catch up to myself and make my world a better experience.

If there's anyone here who just wants to say hello, please leave me a comment and let me know someone is listening.
It would be nice.

Thank you,

-L.R.

How Long Does This Last?

How long do we sit in this charade?
How long do we pretend like everything is okay?
When is it okay to break so I can break free from this mental prison?

When do I catch a break?
Where is my luck?

I'm done.
So done.

Please save me cuz I can't pretend to save myself anymore.

God send me something. Cuz I can't live life like this anymore.

Please know this is the realist I will ever be.

Restriction...

Well..

I'm drowning in silence.
I've been eating one meal a day since last Monday until today.
I've been really down.
Really sad.
Useless.
Trapped.
I failed and I cant forgive myself.
Another failure.
Not sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore.
I just want everyone to go away.
I want to disappear.

I dunno what to do anymore. Nothing makes happy anymore.
-me.

Thought I'd add that I lost another job.
I'm a 32 year year old fat fucking cow.
I tried to lose weight the "normal" way... but it didn't do anything but bloat me and disappoint me. Starving is the only way.
I feel better and cleaner when I restrict anyway.
And now that I live alone and am really distancing myself from everyone... I can really do this now.
Yep.
finir ce que j'ai commencé

-moi

Most Recent Update...

After a long transition to a city I hate more than life itself... I have gained all of my fucking weight back and some.. I have also partaken in a little white substance, and realized... I am finally alone enough to complete what I've started a million.

I'm sick of listening and complying.
I lost my job recently and finally feel free.
I am attempting to get my home in order since I look like a fucking hoarder.

My best friends from HS are gone
Seth is still around.
I am pursuing my art like I should have a long fucking time ago... and I am back to serving the public for money.

Where are all of you ?

How have you all been?

I miss you!

Let's begin again.

Invisible...

I thought I was going to bring in new beginnings.. but it seems like each new beginning is just a reminder that I'm more invisible than ever before.  I'm not appreciated, wanted, adored, admired, needed, inspired by...

I feel so worthless and unsupported.

I don't know what I can do anymore.. I've done everything.. It's all a fucking waiting game.

At Which Point?..[also made 2 or 3 years ago and was never published]

At which point am I supposed to give up?

I can't have anything.

I'm slowly giving up and no one hears me.

I'm in a box, alone... and no one hears a peep.

A glass box with muffled screams coming from the inside.. It's a wonder I've made it this far.

I have a headache.

I'm just a waste of space and a waste of a heart and a brain.

Why can't I just be happy like the rest of the world?  Why was I so alone and miserable my entire life?

I don't deserve this... but apparently I must deserve since shit never seems to stop happening.. I must have been the lucky star, born on the lucky day at the lucky hour of [this person is too much bullshit].

I think I'm dying.

A post made 2 years ago that was never published...

Italian red wine.
No make up.
No life.
I've cut off my entire family.
I've cut off my friends.
I cut off the boy.
I hate my life.
I hate my body.
I hate my world.
I wish I could run away from all of it.
I want to disappear.
I appreciate my readers.
I was offered to write on another blog to contribute.
I appreciate it.
I don't know whether to take the offer.
These are my real feelings.
I am a real girl alone in the world somewhere in California.
No one knows I exist.
I lost my job.
My world is crumbling down around me.