Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Tide Flow...
I'd like to think of myself as ocean:
polluted
high tide
low tide
energy
slow
fast
mysterious
deep
shallow
spontaneous
unpredictable
I suppose there can be both negative and positive connotations with each comparison but I can say that I at least can identify with one thing.
I guess it all suggests some type of connection with our outer world to our inner world.
And like a high school math teacher once told me:
"Even 'chaos' has a pattern."
I have more patterns but they are not easily predictable, just like any complex sequence.
I've had a lot of introspection the last few days and even the last couple weeks.
I've learned a lot about myself and my tendencies to stray from my ideals are becoming less and and less frequent for which I can take full credit because without my ability to acknowledge those things I cannot foresee the issue and therefore cannot allow change given that specific circumstance.
It's ironic to me because I never thought I'd be able to do it nor have the idea that it would occur so quickly.
Again, I must repeatedly emphasize that I am anything but perfect and I do not want to portray a giant pat on my back for doing what any normal individual should do, but given my life experiences I am anything but your typical "normal" story. Most people would have given up.
I lived.
I survived.
I push.
In a sense I'm stubborn to a degree but flexible enough to allow change despite the stress that coincides with the unknown unpredictability of life.
This is how I achieve my goals and how I obtain the ideals wanted.
I don't give up.
If I do... it's because I didn't really want it. I keep pushing.
When you have nothing and no one [or believe that anyway] you have nothing and no one to lose. So you strive for what you want and if you lose something along the way, why have them by your side with which to begin.
I cannot stress more that fact that it has taken many years of guidance, self awareness, question asking and research to come to the conclusions I've finally met at this age. I know of many people three times my age who cannot comprehend the ability to let go of that which holds them back. I cannot tell you how many lives I've touched for the better or for worse. I cannot full share the experiences of the changes I have made in my life as well as those around me. For example being my own mother's mother. Or showing up the most experienced person in family who is known to have all the answers to our problems, my grandmother. There were always questions she wasn't fit to answer and when I found them she did not agree but I had to own up to the difference in what she wanted to call our family values and set ground rules of my own.
It is never easy to be your own person but when you do become what you are and accept it and love it and share it and embrace it despite outsider opinions, it becomes a beautiful and essential part to this world in which we live and this life into which we have come.
Again, I say I am human and sometimes do not particularly enjoy the skin in which I live at all times but have learned to love my mind and my ability to question all which surrounds me. I am not a zombie nor a sheep. I do not refer to myself as black sheep in my family because that would still refer to me as a sheep and I do not follow. I become inspired and take my route towards achievement of my own inspiration. I have acquired a depth in the perceptions of others that many will seldom, if ever, understand and I still have much more to learn. I hope I continue my journey with the correct attitude and do my best to make the best choices that will move me ahead rather than forcing me to take a step back.
Regardless, if I am alone or with a partner I hope my heart never ceases to love, my hope never ceases to obtain happiness, and my mind never ceases to fill with knowledge.
Til next time
-LR
polluted
high tide
low tide
energy
slow
fast
mysterious
deep
shallow
spontaneous
unpredictable
I suppose there can be both negative and positive connotations with each comparison but I can say that I at least can identify with one thing.
I guess it all suggests some type of connection with our outer world to our inner world.
And like a high school math teacher once told me:
"Even 'chaos' has a pattern."
I have more patterns but they are not easily predictable, just like any complex sequence.
I've had a lot of introspection the last few days and even the last couple weeks.
I've learned a lot about myself and my tendencies to stray from my ideals are becoming less and and less frequent for which I can take full credit because without my ability to acknowledge those things I cannot foresee the issue and therefore cannot allow change given that specific circumstance.
It's ironic to me because I never thought I'd be able to do it nor have the idea that it would occur so quickly.
Again, I must repeatedly emphasize that I am anything but perfect and I do not want to portray a giant pat on my back for doing what any normal individual should do, but given my life experiences I am anything but your typical "normal" story. Most people would have given up.
I lived.
I survived.
I push.
In a sense I'm stubborn to a degree but flexible enough to allow change despite the stress that coincides with the unknown unpredictability of life.
This is how I achieve my goals and how I obtain the ideals wanted.
I don't give up.
If I do... it's because I didn't really want it. I keep pushing.
When you have nothing and no one [or believe that anyway] you have nothing and no one to lose. So you strive for what you want and if you lose something along the way, why have them by your side with which to begin.
I cannot stress more that fact that it has taken many years of guidance, self awareness, question asking and research to come to the conclusions I've finally met at this age. I know of many people three times my age who cannot comprehend the ability to let go of that which holds them back. I cannot tell you how many lives I've touched for the better or for worse. I cannot full share the experiences of the changes I have made in my life as well as those around me. For example being my own mother's mother. Or showing up the most experienced person in family who is known to have all the answers to our problems, my grandmother. There were always questions she wasn't fit to answer and when I found them she did not agree but I had to own up to the difference in what she wanted to call our family values and set ground rules of my own.
It is never easy to be your own person but when you do become what you are and accept it and love it and share it and embrace it despite outsider opinions, it becomes a beautiful and essential part to this world in which we live and this life into which we have come.
Again, I say I am human and sometimes do not particularly enjoy the skin in which I live at all times but have learned to love my mind and my ability to question all which surrounds me. I am not a zombie nor a sheep. I do not refer to myself as black sheep in my family because that would still refer to me as a sheep and I do not follow. I become inspired and take my route towards achievement of my own inspiration. I have acquired a depth in the perceptions of others that many will seldom, if ever, understand and I still have much more to learn. I hope I continue my journey with the correct attitude and do my best to make the best choices that will move me ahead rather than forcing me to take a step back.
Regardless, if I am alone or with a partner I hope my heart never ceases to love, my hope never ceases to obtain happiness, and my mind never ceases to fill with knowledge.
Til next time
-LR
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Purge...
I purged again today.
When I get sad I eat.
But sometimes I don't.
When I'm apathetic I eat and then feel guilty.
Well luckily I live alone.
So when I feel guilty, it comes out.
I'm dizzy.
I saw blood.
I'm sure it was just from not drinking enough water.. but oh well.
Hopefully this works.
Outta sight..
outta mind..
-LR
When I get sad I eat.
But sometimes I don't.
When I'm apathetic I eat and then feel guilty.
Well luckily I live alone.
So when I feel guilty, it comes out.
I'm dizzy.
I saw blood.
I'm sure it was just from not drinking enough water.. but oh well.
Hopefully this works.
Outta sight..
outta mind..
-LR
Friends...
There's someone for everyone.
I don't know that you'll always end up being with that person forever.. but there's always someone for everyone.
You will meet so many people in your life.
Unfortunately, for me, it's the people I want the most that I can't ever have. I see things in them that I want to be and be with and then it's mental invasion consumes my mind and gets me wrapped up in things I said I'd never do or be.
Friendzoned.
You want to be to them what you want them to be to you.
A friend.
But then that's all it ever becomes.
Nothing less and nothing more.
Just a friend.
The words that haunt me forever.
I just want to be your friend.
I just want someone who wants to love me.
Just like I want to love them.
A crush.
That's all it is.
Constantly romanticizing possibilities.
Endless possibilities...
It just consumes you.
The best of you.
All of you..
and you're left with just a crush. Just a friend.
A good friend who knows you inside and out.
No one wants a girl with problems.
I'm a girl with issues.
-LR
I don't know that you'll always end up being with that person forever.. but there's always someone for everyone.
You will meet so many people in your life.
Unfortunately, for me, it's the people I want the most that I can't ever have. I see things in them that I want to be and be with and then it's mental invasion consumes my mind and gets me wrapped up in things I said I'd never do or be.
Friendzoned.
You want to be to them what you want them to be to you.
A friend.
But then that's all it ever becomes.
Nothing less and nothing more.
Just a friend.
The words that haunt me forever.
I just want to be your friend.
I just want someone who wants to love me.
Just like I want to love them.
A crush.
That's all it is.
Constantly romanticizing possibilities.
Endless possibilities...
It just consumes you.
The best of you.
All of you..
and you're left with just a crush. Just a friend.
A good friend who knows you inside and out.
No one wants a girl with problems.
I'm a girl with issues.
-LR
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Jinx Linx...
Since I was born the year of the cat, I'll say that I am often too afraid for my good and try not to end up in a shitty situation. I always try to make sure that I am always safe. Never too over self indulgent.
I must say that I'm not complaining but I refuse to say why because I am a Jinx Linx!
Out for my own worst outcomes... But I'll tell you I'm okay.
-LR.
I must say that I'm not complaining but I refuse to say why because I am a Jinx Linx!
Out for my own worst outcomes... But I'll tell you I'm okay.
-LR.
Monday, August 19, 2013
night time again
another night.
another night alone.
I'm not bad but I'm not good.
Just wish I could bring someone home to my place instead of me always going over there. kinda just wanna hold someone who holds me back and kisses me on my back.
Kinda just want to be kissed passionately and sensually. not just sexually.
I want the lead up to..
not the already there..
Kinda miss the intensity...
I miss the unknown.. the anticipation..
the drive.
I suppose it's just the nights that really get me.
I just miss what used to be.
people do things to other that they want done to them.
another night alone.
I'm not bad but I'm not good.
Just wish I could bring someone home to my place instead of me always going over there. kinda just wanna hold someone who holds me back and kisses me on my back.
Kinda just want to be kissed passionately and sensually. not just sexually.
I want the lead up to..
not the already there..
Kinda miss the intensity...
I miss the unknown.. the anticipation..
the drive.
I suppose it's just the nights that really get me.
I just miss what used to be.
people do things to other that they want done to them.
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